Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me...

By Parade - 28/2/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

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Transportation

This is us

Yappy neighborhood

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By Swabidizop - 18/5/2015 20:40 - United States - Greeley

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

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By erika - 28/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Gaz47 - 27/7/2018 19:00

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Username - 27/8/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - 24/5/2017 16:00 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By "MarchingNightmare" - 16/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. 4 of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

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By Username - 6/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By ouagadougou - 24/2/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By Guess - 21/11/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

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By Thanksalot - 30/11/2013 05:58 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By Kybo5 - 8/2/2013 05:45 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By VoiceMail - 9/4/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Username - 4/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

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By nitrok - 8/6/2017 22:00

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

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By rmo1776 - 6/4/2009 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 08:52 - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By Conspiratea - 1/7/2018 19:00

Today, I'm in the hospital for a broken hip and cerebral hemorrhage, bedridden with a continuous headache. My roommate has dementia and shouts and cries all day about a hospital conspiracy where everybody is drinking tea all the time except her. This will be a long month. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

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By Morganisoverrated - 22/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By copmagnet - 15/10/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

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By hair2daygone4ever - 14/1/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2016 00:29 - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 03:45 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2014 21:30 - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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By frustrated - 3/9/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Gosport

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

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By dumbgirl4lyf - 1/10/2012 18:24 - Ireland - Monaghan

Today, I finally realized how stupid I am, when I answered a question correctly in class and my teacher started clapping and cheering. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#2132714 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:09

A bump made you hit someone? Please, you were just looking for an excuse to slap the old nuttsack.

By memo619 | 0

#2132759 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:21

it'd be funnier if the old man punched you back

Comments

By andruha1123 | 5

#2132675 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:04

ydi for hitting on old men

Bano360 | 25

#2132708 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:09

Hitting on?

Danny300 | 0

#2132718 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:10

Fail

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2132780 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:29

what's wrong with hitting/hitting on old men? they so sexc

iBanana | 17

#2133050 - Monday 28 February 2011 14:12

Thats a win win for the bus driver. He got your money, AND he kicked off a malichious person. :D

GtDriver | 6

#2135301 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 5:00

Malicious.

BisFitty | 7

#2137531 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 18:17

ur lucky it wasn't epic beard man!

By MizzKrista | 0

#2132681 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:04

first! sorry OP that suck!

MizzKrista | 0

#2132703 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:08

^sucks!

AnagenisisZagus | 13

#2132723 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:11

You are a failure. Second and now third. You lose the race. Here is a fuckin' lolly for your participation. Acehole.

MizzKrista | 0

#2132729 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:13

Wow! Really?? I think I kinda figured that out already dumbass!

By Doortje | 28

#2132714 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:09

A bump made you hit someone? Please, you were just looking for an excuse to slap the old nuttsack.

insanesna1l | 0

#2132789 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:32

what's that got to do with hitting old people?

chrstygrl06 | 10

#2132815 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:38

Because he is old..

you_and_me_fml | 8

#2132842 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:46

i know right, gosh.. thats everyones excuse these days

chrstygrl06 | 10

#2132848 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:46

Oops, wrong comment, sorry:)

Hanimon | 0

#2132938 - Monday 28 February 2011 13:36

Who can resist the ol' nutsack nowadays -.-

emodude44 | 0

#2133925 - Monday 28 February 2011 19:51

In gay porno, Old nutsack slap you!

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2135071 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 3:40

I rather fancy the idea that the old guy rammed his head into your fist. Old people these days... can't get enough socialism on their own.

By AnagenisisZagus | 13

#2132732 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:13

You hit an old man? Accidently? Oh my! How could this be? Back of the bus, sister-fucker! Hah, you wish. Walk your uncoordinated ass home.

AnagenisisZagus | 13

#2132889 - Monday 28 February 2011 13:12

I probably should not have said the whole sister thing, huh?

TheSilencer30 | 13

#6703339 - Monday 17 October 2016 4:42

What did you say

By Stupidpeopleanno | 5

#2132739 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:17

At least you burned some calories?

By guy0ne101 | 0

#2132749 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:20

cool story

By memo619 | 0

#2132759 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:21

it'd be funnier if the old man punched you back

WillemCoster | 0

#2132823 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:40

that would be a great fml " i was on the bus it hit a bump i accidently hit an old man then he broke my nose Fml" lol

By Jonkbaby | 19

#2132761 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:21

being on a bus while hitting the bumps is the best part for a male

By testthecoal | 5

#2132768 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:23

at least you didn't pick you nose when he hit that bump

By blinkee_115 | 0

#2132769 - Monday 28 February 2011 12:25

Did the old man cry?

iIixoxiIi | 0

#2132968 - Monday 28 February 2011 13:42

I believe so, otherwise the driver wouldn't let him get off!