Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it... - FML

By stellarshaun - 16/1/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Time for the ER

Trust

By DallasGal - 14/2/2012 16:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2012 16:05 - France

Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML

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By ali grace - 14/5/2011 11:15 - United States

Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML

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By estallidos - 23/1/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

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By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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By forgetable - 28/4/2019 02:00

Today, I offered to stay late at my delivery job because it was snowing and several people called out. An hour later I got rear ended. FML

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By mylove - 1/5/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

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By earplugsplease - 16/5/2013 16:16 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

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By Stinkbomber - 24/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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By me - 14/3/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to drive my car through a flock of vultures eating road kill. Since a bird hit the mirror and broke it, I now have to pay for a replacement. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By pi_power_15 - 11/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By Telinaa - 8/11/2010 02:25 - Australia

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

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By karmavictim - 18/3/2011 11:28

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

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By hiii. - 16/3/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 00:26 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

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By catguy - 19/8/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By poor teacher - 23/9/2013 17:54 - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By smsmall - 3/10/2011 12:08 - United States

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

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By "GumStickExtraGmail" - 14/9/2017 17:30 - United States - Arvada

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

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By davetherave1983 - 9/9/2015 05:09 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 23:00

British Broadcasting Corporation

Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 15:48 - United States - Nashville

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By gypsy - 24/6/2011 02:00 - Australia

Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn't think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn't shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

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By Mattrd - 5/2/2013 00:42 - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

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By ToobyFrank - 6/3/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

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By SwingingGallows - 15/7/2016 15:43

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

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By peapapeanut - 15/7/2019 20:06

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 21:53 - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By bent & broken - 24/8/2018 16:30 - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 03:34 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By KayEffEh - 17/9/2014 21:22 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 08:39 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I'm so poor that I've been scrounging around my house all day trying to find quarters and dimes so that I can buy myself a cup of coffee tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By alpuppy | 0

#35 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 13:34

It could've been worse, you could have been wiped it off with your finger and put it in your mouth as he walked in.

By Haelous | 0

#1315 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 15:41

In the future, do not have your schwarz out while eating yogurt.

COMMENTS

By alpuppy | 0

#35 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 13:34

It could've been worse, you could have been wiped it off with your finger and put it in your mouth as he walked in.

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#968522 - Friday 26 March 2010 12:30

WTF wat were u doin naked if ur parents are around the house? and don't u have any covers?

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1024520 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 3:40

ya but that would've been worse...lying in bed naked sticking a finger in your mouth...im sorry but it doedn't seem any better

Reply

ronton | 4

#1027033 - Friday 11 June 2010 4:13

he was caught wanking and this is just a lame cover up lol

Reply

AbnormalAshley | 0

#1039145 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 15:10

LOLOLOL
This must be fake.

Reply

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1638355 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 4:00

hey I've eating plenty things naked... it's fun
it feels the best when u go to a restaurant and everyone stares at you :)

Reply

crazykidd15 | 0

#1904882 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 18:59

Lolololol

Reply

mkcempa | 0

#1951889 - Monday 10 January 2011 18:27

win!

Reply

thethingthatshou | 4

#2710324 - Saturday 18 June 2011 19:21

you lost you fuckhead.....

fuckin mother fucker

Reply

RageWolf16 | 31

#5893319 - Saturday 22 March 2014 23:30

I walk around my room naked all the time

Reply

Boomi | 38

#6687508 - Sunday 11 September 2016 9:01

Oh god, that's so true!

By Haelous | 0

#1315 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 15:41

In the future, do not have your schwarz out while eating yogurt.

Reply

ekdfml | 20

#1740931 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 19:01

great movie reference

Reply

thisguyintheusa | 11

#5925272 - Friday 25 April 2014 4:39

Eyyyy 59 got it !!!

By samisalsa | 0

#12218 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 6:38

Nice excuse.

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#33654 - Monday 16 March 2009 1:53

Yeah, EVERYONE eats yogurt naked. *Sarcasm*
LMAO, dumb ass.

By heheirock | 0

#36900 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:28

why did not you have a blanket over your self?

Reply

Jezlovespink | 5

#4192512 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 22:58

Bcuz then it wud b pointless to b naked!!!

By lilymoose | 0

#42333 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:07

this is just silly. i don't think it's real.
why in the world would you be eating yogurt naked?

Reply

iceicebaby24 | 0

#1281521 - Saturday 21 August 2010 23:56

dude. why WOULDN'T you eat yogurt naked! better yet, why would you eat yogurt with clothes on? insanity!

By monkeys488 | 0

#45809 - Friday 20 March 2009 21:30

thats a fake story

By giffinator | 0

#79060 - Friday 3 April 2009 7:26

your dad actually said "I'm sorry for walking on you masturbating"?

Reply

xiaoxaio | 5

#3690586 - Tuesday 6 December 2011 7:47

no he said " can i join you"?

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5494266 - Thursday 16 May 2013 13:58

Back to back?

By MizzHollywood | 0

#80137 - Friday 3 April 2009 21:46

Eating yogurt in bed is the real FML here. Who does that!??!?!

By Nottooeffed | 0

#101580 - Saturday 11 April 2009 8:15

I like to feel a nice breeze around my privates while enjoying tasty snack food

Reply

alexxss_fml | 10

#1022314 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:11

lmfaoooo!!!! good one!!! XD