Miscellaneous: Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it... - FML

By stellarshaun - 16/01/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 10 838

Good kid

Age difference

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

By Anonymous - 03/06/2019 00:02

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 165

You deserved it 537

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 04:05 - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 842

You deserved it 1 629

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 15:19 - United States - Wichita Falls

Spicy

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 184

You deserved it 7 263

By diamondsareforever - 18/07/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 280

You deserved it 3 350

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 17:17 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 7 166

By ZeldaovaPeach - 05/07/2016 12:44 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 113

You deserved it 1 191

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/05/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 691

You deserved it 2 659

By Username - 31/03/2011 07:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 554

You deserved it 11 140

By Steve - 13/09/2017 04:30

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 240

You deserved it 366

By wideeyeddays - 02/02/2016 20:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 429

You deserved it 1 623

Inexplicable

By omnomnom - 24/07/2021 06:01

Today, my son asked me if a video of a flame on a computer actually gives off heat like a fireplace. He was serious. He's 17 and inexplicably has straight A's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 124

By greg76 - 07/12/2008 03:49 - France

Today, I was on a transatlantic flight, ear plugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn't immediately understand why he said, "Very funny, sir." It wasn't a bin bag, he was collecting for Unicef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 012

You deserved it 10 011

By LostSoul - 10/07/2019 02:06

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 442

Wrong number

By Hth - 08/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, for the 25th time, some Indian dude called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 552

You deserved it 9 714

By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 11:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that, because I'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 095

You deserved it 2 362

By facepalm - 27/02/2009 08:39 - Singapore

Spicy

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 562

You deserved it 15 124

Sibling rivalry

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 08:00

Today, my youngest son got lost while shopping. I was frantic, but my oldest son didn’t care, his opinion seemed to be "Who cares?" and "Quick, let’s leave before he turns up." He didn’t even unplug his earphones or look up from his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 232

By hmdge1 - 10/06/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 153

You deserved it 1 864

By bluebride - 03/02/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 677

You deserved it 3 023

By Anonymous - 18/04/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 926

You deserved it 4 633

By heightdifference - 28/11/2013 16:34 - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 967

You deserved it 5 912

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 145

You deserved it 3 702

By nico - 01/07/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 757

You deserved it 3 606

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 720

You deserved it 32 163

By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 118

You deserved it 3 180

By FuckingDone - 20/05/2016 23:08 - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 050

You deserved it 1 085

By Anonymous - 27/02/2014 14:34 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 031

You deserved it 61 083

By :'( - 09/09/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 674

You deserved it 1 628

Shitheads

By Robert - 06/02/2021 14:00 - United States

Today, it's been a week since I hired a 17 year-old guy to work at my store. Three of his friends decided to come in today and "prank" him by all three taking a shit in one toilet and clog it. The toilet overflowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 67

One of those people

By Vercsi - 19/02/2015 15:47 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 258

You deserved it 2 735

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 14:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 573

You deserved it 6 062

By chloeguest97 - 20/09/2011 15:15 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 60 people liked this, including my boyfriend and best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 232

You deserved it 8 102

By pixiegirl - 08/08/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 815

You deserved it 6 796

By Anonymous - 08/10/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 751

You deserved it 5 971

By goodlord12 - 17/01/2013 07:53 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 249

You deserved it 30 240

By charlie043 - 11/09/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 801

You deserved it 41 940

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 326

You deserved it 6 058

By O_O - 12/07/2013 20:15 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 579

You deserved it 5 808

By Bl6122 - 02/02/2017 21:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 090

You deserved it 684

By Craptastic - 15/09/2018 15:00

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 759

You deserved it 622

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Tuesday 3 February 2009 13:34

It could've been worse, you could have been wiped it off with your finger and put it in your mouth as he walked in.

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 15:41

In the future, do not have your schwarz out while eating yogurt.

Comments

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Tuesday 3 February 2009 13:34

It could've been worse, you could have been wiped it off with your finger and put it in your mouth as he walked in.

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Friday 26 March 2010 12:30

WTF wat were u doin naked if ur parents are around the house? and don't u have any covers?

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Wednesday 9 June 2010 3:40

ya but that would've been worse...lying in bed naked sticking a finger in your mouth...im sorry but it doedn't seem any better

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Friday 11 June 2010 4:13

he was caught wanking and this is just a lame cover up lol

AbnormalAshley 0

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Tuesday 22 June 2010 15:10

LOLOLOL This must be fake.

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 4:00

hey I've eating plenty things naked... it's fun it feels the best when u go to a restaurant and everyone stares at you :)

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Wednesday 29 December 2010 18:59

Lolololol

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Monday 10 January 2011 18:27

win!

thethingthatshou 4

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Saturday 18 June 2011 19:21

you lost you fuckhead..... fuckin mother fucker

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Saturday 22 March 2014 23:30

I walk around my room naked all the time

Boomi 38

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Sunday 11 September 2016 9:01

Oh god, that's so true!

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 15:41

In the future, do not have your schwarz out while eating yogurt.

ekdfml 20

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 19:01

great movie reference

thisguyintheusa 11

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Friday 25 April 2014 4:39

Eyyyy 59 got it !!!

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 6:38

Nice excuse.

pinkfrenchrose 5

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Monday 16 March 2009 1:53

Yeah, EVERYONE eats yogurt naked. *Sarcasm* LMAO, dumb ass.

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 6:28

why did not you have a blanket over your self?

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Tuesday 20 March 2012 22:58

Bcuz then it wud b pointless to b naked!!!

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Thursday 19 March 2009 8:07

this is just silly. i don't think it's real. why in the world would you be eating yogurt naked?

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Saturday 21 August 2010 23:56

dude. why WOULDN'T you eat yogurt naked! better yet, why would you eat yogurt with clothes on? insanity!

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Friday 20 March 2009 21:30

thats a fake story

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Friday 3 April 2009 7:26

your dad actually said "I'm sorry for walking on you masturbating"?

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 7:47

no he said " can i join you"?

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Thursday 16 May 2013 13:58

Back to back?

MizzHollywood 0

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Friday 3 April 2009 21:46

Eating yogurt in bed is the real FML here. Who does that!??!?!

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Saturday 11 April 2009 8:15

I like to feel a nice breeze around my privates while enjoying tasty snack food

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Monday 7 June 2010 5:11

lmfaoooo!!!! good one!!! XD

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 1 308

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 181