Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl... - FML

By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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Understandable

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The View

By TheRawrza - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. Standing outside of the pool, I was hesitant about taking my shirt off. A girl in the pool shouted "Hey, you're not the only fat one here, don't feel bad!". I was worried about what my friends would think of my new bellybutton ring, I don't think I'm fat. FML

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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By Sad preggo

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

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By Cantseethroughdoors

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

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By queenlatifa101bebe - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

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By emisara93 - United States

Today, I found out that the insurance that my husband signed us up with for next year doesn't cover any of our doctors. Now we need to find 4 different doctors who take our insurance. FML

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By social anxiety my a** - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By hobo - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By skyhawk13 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By photogirl - United States

Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn't know what formatting does, so he did it. I'm a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML

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By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Don't touch me, bitch

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

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By babydoll - United Kingdom

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

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By awesomekidsmum - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 17:02

Too much of a good thing

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I helped an elderly lady put a bookshelf in her car. She then thanked me by hitting me with her car as she drove out of the parking lot. FML

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By TheStressComesFree - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

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By starving_freelancer_forever

Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML

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By chasingcars0624 - United States

Chill out, mom

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3 a.m. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough, she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By dunnough - United States

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

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By pritch44 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By vomitgirl - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

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By I hate my brother - United States - Lafayette

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

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By Decibell - 18/4/2020 05:00

Round and round

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

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By naps aren't what they used to be - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

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By XxDiabolikalXx - France

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

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By Gurl - Ireland - Dublin

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

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By JPPUDLY - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

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By unluckycounsellor - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By Emily

Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML

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By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/7/2020 08:01

Fucknut

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

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By cakegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom hands me a box. When I got home I opened it. His mom baked me a break up cake. FML

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By Christmasloverandstuff - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

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Top comments

By Derzimma | 2

#6443 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:08

Happened to me the other day.

By rxxk | 0

#57056 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 4:35

That's sorta what I did today. I planned on studying for my test tomorrow, finish my homework due tomorrow, and make an outline for my website idea. I ended up reading Fmylife for 6 hours straight.

COMMENTS

By Derzimma | 2

#6443 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:08

Happened to me the other day.

Reply

Boomi | 38

#6687511 - Sunday 11 September 2016 9:04

When you don't feel like doing what you intended.

By RavensRule97 | 0

#43724 - Thursday 19 March 2009 23:48

Epic Phail.

Reply

codyFML | 0

#2821319 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:24

at least he can spell

Reply

Star928 | 7

#5064715 - Sunday 21 October 2012 7:41

Epic Quail. Epic Phail. Epic Tale. Epic Male. Epi--- i think you get the point.

By CatalystSwitch | 0

#44328 - Friday 20 March 2009 4:16

One step at a time.

By AreYouSure_fml | 0

#49395 - Sunday 22 March 2009 5:44

Happens to me everyday. My life sucks.

By rxxk | 0

#57056 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 4:35

That's sorta what I did today. I planned on studying for my test tomorrow, finish my homework due tomorrow, and make an outline for my website idea. I ended up reading Fmylife for 6 hours straight.

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#63260 - Friday 27 March 2009 21:52

Good substitute.

I do that a lot too. Haaaah...
That's so sad.

By Fields4mint | 0

#75484 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 22:54

I don't think it can really be FML if you -choose- not to do something in lieu of another thing. That's just laziness speaking.

By featherhead | 0

#83169 - Sunday 5 April 2009 1:38

i do the same things xd

Reply

Diannaa | 0

#817799 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:22

lol I do things similar to that alot. Yay for procrastination 

Reply

iluvcupkakes | 0

#3679841 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:48

But you also go on fml

By omfgwtfbbq_fml | 0

#187739 - Monday 11 May 2009 7:12

At least you're planning to do something more.
That's a big step.

By maggotface | 0

#207737 - Monday 18 May 2009 3:48

i dont understand why this is on fml, it's just you being lazy...