Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird... - FML

By Grant Williams

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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Out of it

Taking stock

Family extension

By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By FMlovelife - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

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By fmjob - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By Nazi-chef - United States - Tucson

No mash for you

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By DudeManBro69 - United States

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

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By mr_cheese - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By lohandork - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Affection breakdown

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By Toothy. - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By WearingOff - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

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By ihateoldmagazines - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

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By ohgod. - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 00:30

Or does he?

Today, I read a message from someone on Instagram asking if I wanted to "hook up with a nice guy sometime." It was my uncle – he doesn't recognize his own family before messaging them. FML

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By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

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By too proud to beg - 23/9/2020 02:02

Basic Instinct

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

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By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

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By Marie - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take 2 hours to get there. They called 2 hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another 2 hours. FML

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By Susan - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

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By Immature - 10/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

You big child

Today, my girlfriend of six years burst into tears and said yes repeatedly when I presented her with a ring. I then had to explain that it was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. She looked me in the eye and dumped me on the spot. Apparently, promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their 30s. FML

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By Zitty - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By JessykaB - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By How's the salmon? - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

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By gatewayev700 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

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By hot4donny - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 00:30

It's not working out (for us)

Today, I was fired from my job, due to my "performance going down". My performance went down because I can't see due to having a stroke, which management is well aware of. FML

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By humiliated - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

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By AnonymousQuagga - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

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By angry - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7800761 - Tuesday 7 May 2019 18:52

I hope you go into the gentle cycle, warm, no bleach.

By Sinshine | 27

#7800878 - Wednesday 8 May 2019 4:19

You seem to have some serious acrobatic skills when drunk. Maybe you could start a show and get famous!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7800761 - Tuesday 7 May 2019 18:52

I hope you go into the gentle cycle, warm, no bleach.

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7800782 - Tuesday 7 May 2019 20:21

Wow. That takes talent. Bravo. lol - seriously, sounds something I'd do.

By julfunky | 29

#7800811 - Tuesday 7 May 2019 21:58

You achieved such a feat whilst tipsy — why is this an FML? Your life sounds pretty impressive.

By Sinshine | 27

#7800878 - Wednesday 8 May 2019 4:19

You seem to have some serious acrobatic skills when drunk. Maybe you could start a show and get famous!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7801873 - Saturday 11 May 2019 4:24

9.5!