Work: Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient... - FML

By CathyM - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

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Vulture

Dangling modifier

On the beat

By Anonymous

What is the real feeling?

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By LCDhell - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

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By athlete47

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

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By stacyyvonne - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 13:58

Business school of business school

Today, I found out my husband hasn't paid the mortgage in 3 months. We have a joint account, but it has always been his job to pay the bills. We are in the process of selling our house, and when I asked him about it he said, "Why are you stressing? We're selling anyways." FML

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By thankzbabe - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By Person - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By Never going jogging again - 10/2/2021 10:59

Ran out

Today, I went on a jogging date with a guy I'd been on a couple of dates with. I was a little worried that I wouldn't keep up, but I did and everything was fine. Or at least I thought so. After we'd finished, he dumped me. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By SteamLass765

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

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By wooed - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

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By OhJoy - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By rbates - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 05:01

Where there's a will…

Today, as a final effort to get me to lose weight, my recently deceased father left me $25,000 on his will, which is only to be released to me once I weigh 150 pounds. No exceptions. I'm about to lose my house. FML

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By EnderHorse - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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By fml - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

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By morningbirdie - 20/9/2020 14:01

Drunk level: 2000

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

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By proudestmonkey - United States

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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By anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By Khagen - 27/1/2021 05:01

Supportive

Today, after two rounds of antibiotics, I got a yeast infection. My husband started calling me "Yeasty." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 02:02

Father, you mean father

Today, I found out wife has two baby daddies for our two kids. I’m neither one’s baby daddy. FML

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By nuerrotticc

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

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By katelynm - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today as I was waiting at the gynecologist I texted my husband to see if birth control pills were covered on our insurance...yep texted my boss instead who I had been asking about a raise..don’t think I’ll be getting that raise... FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By what even - United States - Athens

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By zuut - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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Top comments

By cradle6 | 13

#3355505 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Two feet? What, you wanted it closer?

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3355650 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:41

Guys, guys, guys. Stop arguing and look on the bright side... Well, there is no bright side.

COMMENTS

By wazdog | 4

#3355486 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:08

Did you reuse it?

Reply

qwert1994 | 0

#3355916 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:03

The registrar?

By Jovecove | 13

#3355497 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:09

Hahaha funny guy

By IamDre | 5

#3355499 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:09

On the bright side...well, there is no bright side. FYL

Reply

FuttBuck | 0

#3355532 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:13

Good job copying my comment I posted on the next fml.

Reply

kaylee777 | 0

#3355561 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:20

Or did you copy his?

Reply

iAmScrubs | 19

#3355650 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:41

Guys, guys, guys. Stop arguing and look on the bright side... Well, there is no bright side.

Reply

FuttBuck | 0

#3355866 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:45

23 touché

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5902332 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 19:51

at least it wasn't leaking... right?

By cradle6 | 13

#3355505 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Two feet? What, you wanted it closer?

Reply

ileina | 5

#3360715 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:41

Very well said.

Reply

LemonandLime | 13

#5152047 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:46

I don't feel sorry for the OP, how is this an FML? If you work in a hospital you accept that there's gonna be body fluids!

By arcticdoctorwho | 0

#3355507 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

There are some weirdos out there.

By Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3355509 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Free lemonade?

Reply

tylersign | 11

#3355590 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:28

If there was a man who pees lemonade.. I'd buy him.

Reply

qwert1994 | 0

#3355937 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:06

Milk, Milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made.

By th4m4ster | 6

#3355516 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:11

At least it was 2 feet , and not 2 inches from ur face

By Ugi | 26

#3355524 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:12

You should have put some flowers into it!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3355541 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:16

What a great souvenir from the vacation to the hospital. Before someone leaves with to take a plastic urinal home as a new pet, though, a person should know they are a big responsibility.

They must be feed three times a day, let out to pee frequently, given a nice bed to sleep on, and the owner must be up for the task of walking it.

By kaceemae | 7

#3355543 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:17

Suck it up, and wipe down your counter. As an ED and critical care nurse, I've seen and dealt with a lot worse.

Reply

elisabeth1_fml | 0

#3355568 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:22

My thoughts exactly. What a whiny person. Gotta be a male lol