Work: Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient... - FML

By CathyM - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

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You're a natural

Catch 22

#1 Dad of the day

By Anonymous

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Cinderella

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By just me - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

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By Renée

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

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By Cecilly2010

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who's a bit older than me, introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a toddler. Nope, she's a year older than me. FML

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By Popscene - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

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By Anonymous

The Dilbert Principle

Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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By khaelian

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

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By Crappit - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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By Forgotten - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

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By 97 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had my girlfriend over at my parents for dinner. When we were done, my dad went around to collect all the dirty plates and stacked them on his arm. When he got to my girlfriend, the weight became too much and he and the plates fell on top of her. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

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By BloodyHorror

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By 11niko - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

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By Jen

Throw the book at him

Today, I got fired from my job at a library for hitting an old man with a book. In my defence, I had asked him about a massive water stain on a book he'd returned. He told me it was his cum, wanted to know if it excited me and then tried to touch my boobs. Dirty old pervert. FML

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By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

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By Jodie - Australia

Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML

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By mathhhh - United States

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

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By Sad Sally - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

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By Samsonites - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell him I love him. He told me that he loved me too... like a sister! The love of my life has been sleeping with his "sister" for three months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By please don’t - 8/6/2020 02:00

The Big Book of Baby Names

Today, I had to explain to my sister in law why it’s a terrible idea to name her baby Aryan just because she likes the way it sounds. We’re all African Americans, but she still doesn’t see the issue with it. FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By androidjezus

Halloween, the long wait

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By Nykole McAllister - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML

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Top comments

By cradle6 | 13

#3355505 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Two feet? What, you wanted it closer?

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3355650 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:41

Guys, guys, guys. Stop arguing and look on the bright side... Well, there is no bright side.

COMMENTS

By wazdog | 4

#3355486 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:08

Did you reuse it?

Reply

qwert1994 | 0

#3355916 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:03

The registrar?

By Jovecove | 13

#3355497 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:09

Hahaha funny guy

By IamDre | 5

#3355499 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:09

On the bright side...well, there is no bright side. FYL

Reply

FuttBuck | 0

#3355532 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:13

Good job copying my comment I posted on the next fml.

Reply

kaylee777 | 0

#3355561 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:20

Or did you copy his?

Reply

iAmScrubs | 19

#3355650 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:41

Guys, guys, guys. Stop arguing and look on the bright side... Well, there is no bright side.

Reply

FuttBuck | 0

#3355866 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:45

23 touché

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5902332 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 19:51

at least it wasn't leaking... right?

By cradle6 | 13

#3355505 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Two feet? What, you wanted it closer?

Reply

ileina | 5

#3360715 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 16:41

Very well said.

Reply

LemonandLime | 13

#5152047 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:46

I don't feel sorry for the OP, how is this an FML? If you work in a hospital you accept that there's gonna be body fluids!

By arcticdoctorwho | 0

#3355507 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

There are some weirdos out there.

By Rico_Mal1116 | 0

#3355509 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:10

Free lemonade?

Reply

tylersign | 11

#3355590 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:28

If there was a man who pees lemonade.. I'd buy him.

Reply

qwert1994 | 0

#3355937 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:06

Milk, Milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made.

By th4m4ster | 6

#3355516 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:11

At least it was 2 feet , and not 2 inches from ur face

By Ugi | 26

#3355524 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:12

You should have put some flowers into it!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3355541 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:16

What a great souvenir from the vacation to the hospital. Before someone leaves with to take a plastic urinal home as a new pet, though, a person should know they are a big responsibility.

They must be feed three times a day, let out to pee frequently, given a nice bed to sleep on, and the owner must be up for the task of walking it.

By kaceemae | 7

#3355543 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:17

Suck it up, and wipe down your counter. As an ED and critical care nurse, I've seen and dealt with a lot worse.

Reply

elisabeth1_fml | 0

#3355568 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:22

My thoughts exactly. What a whiny person. Gotta be a male lol