Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for... - FML

By V - 9/2/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42224

You deserved it

3386

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

In my day…

Hello everyone!

By sabadaba - 19/6/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31754

You deserved it

3288

Tweet

Share

By DarkChild - 11/2/2016 22:18 - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22322

You deserved it

1574

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43198

You deserved it

3778

Tweet

Share

By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46718

You deserved it

3119

Tweet

Share

By oopsie - 24/5/2009 14:50 - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16035

You deserved it

244771

Tweet

Share

By aintgotnoteeth - 19/7/2016 17:53

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11205

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1125

Tweet

Share

By - 17/2/2020 18:00

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

829

You deserved it

4616

Tweet

Share

By shrimp41 - 14/5/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46787

You deserved it

16197

Tweet

Share

By redjesus69 - 3/2/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32450

You deserved it

3512

Tweet

Share

By ms piggy - 15/12/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13983

You deserved it

43022

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/9/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. I'm really poor and don't have a television or nice clothing, so they just dumped my trash all over the house and stole my one loaf of bread that was supposed to last me for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3726

You deserved it

150

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54342

You deserved it

3956

Tweet

Share

By Epithymia - 15/8/2016 15:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11532

You deserved it

2925

Tweet

Share

By IrisKitty - 18/8/2015 07:07 - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21630

You deserved it

6787

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31863

You deserved it

3074

Tweet

Share

By therundown - 20/7/2011 13:38 - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49459

You deserved it

3962

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 00:01

If only they hadn't learned to read…

Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

989

You deserved it

637

Tweet

Share

By Grinsporked - 11/10/2019 22:00

Bankers!

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1541

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By ddeit - 19/8/2011 02:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30262

You deserved it

3653

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1824

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By mettaton - 17/1/2019 00:00

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2196

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:11 - United States

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28952

You deserved it

9335

Tweet

Share

By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3799

You deserved it

230

Tweet

Share

By TrainedBF - 12/9/2009 12:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12647

You deserved it

46743

Tweet

Share

By maybe? - 11/2/2015 16:11 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35433

You deserved it

3960

Tweet

Share

By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3054

You deserved it

426

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1578

You deserved it

94

Tweet

Share

By cheatingapparently - 20/6/2020 23:06

Occam's razor

Today, I got an A+ on a writing assignment. My teacher asked me three times if I really did write this article myself, and didn't memorise an article from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1336

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By latenightbite - 16/3/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38031

You deserved it

3073

Tweet

Share

By shit's weak - 13/2/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51602

You deserved it

4650

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 17:28 - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50589

You deserved it

3705

Tweet

Share

By handlin - 14/1/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33889

You deserved it

3983

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 3/1/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13588

You deserved it

44682

Tweet

Share

By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5408

You deserved it

464

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 25/11/2015 02:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22130

You deserved it

1492

Tweet

Share

By gemtas5 - 21/9/2013 17:28 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43515

You deserved it

3936

Tweet

Share

By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57184

You deserved it

3983

Tweet

Share

By LoveBytes - 27/3/2012 21:29 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8639

You deserved it

43930

Tweet

Share

By scared shitless - 24/6/2020 08:02

Night terrors

Today, I learned the hard way that my girlfriend’s young daughter sleepwalks. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to be greeted in the dimly lit hallway by her creepy silhouette. I yelped like a bitch and dropped the glass on my foot, breaking two toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16653

You deserved it

69264

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By z_vet | 0

#847 - Monday 9 February 2009 18:46

So what? Kudos to your grandma, she's very open-minded for a 78 year old lady, you have to be proud of her.

By alwaysalady | 0

#1624 - Thursday 12 February 2009 19:08

When I was 12 I found this coffee table book with a dust jacket of horses on it at my grandpa's. It was just a just jacket. The book was full of sex positions. To my horror, I recieved the real horse book with the jacket on it for Christmas that year. Grandparents...

COMMENTS

By z_vet | 0

#847 - Monday 9 February 2009 18:46

So what? Kudos to your grandma, she's very open-minded for a 78 year old lady, you have to be proud of her.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1042796 - Friday 25 June 2010 11:45

yeah!!! my grandma is just like my mom. a fuckin bigot. she hates my lesbianism. just be happy that ur grnadma is so cool.

Reply

BowserD | 0

#1289387 - Monday 23 August 2010 10:54

best grandma!

By Rodin_fml | 0

#1297 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 12:55

Grandmothers lol

By lazorzpewpew | 0

#1319 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 16:03

Grandmothers rule :D
You should thank her for being so considerate ;)

By alwaysalady | 0

#1624 - Thursday 12 February 2009 19:08

When I was 12 I found this coffee table book with a dust jacket of horses on it at my grandpa's. It was just a just jacket. The book was full of sex positions. To my horror, I recieved the real horse book with the jacket on it for Christmas that year. Grandparents...

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#5385 - Sunday 22 February 2009 17:58

looks like your grandma's got style

By Chura | 0

#5814 - Monday 23 February 2009 15:19

your gramma gets cool points from me!

By Sofa_King | 0

#16516 - Thursday 5 March 2009 19:53

Your grandma is sweet! My grandma can't even say a word like dildo, penis etc. you know, old-school lady

By Rats_fml | 0

#17482 - Friday 6 March 2009 3:54

Last i saw my grandma, she gave me a jar of pickled cabbage and a lecture about the joys of heterosexual relationships (as opposed to my own, sinful, ways). Be forever thankful that you grandma is the way she is!

By kat0ria | 0

#65066 - Saturday 28 March 2009 18:30

rofl omg grandmas are so funny.

By nyangel | 0

#200692 - Friday 15 May 2009 5:43

that is not fml, your grandma is cool...my entire family would freak out if they found out there was a vibrator in the vicinity let alone give me a magazine of sex toys.