Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 99

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 91

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 40

17/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 236

You deserved it 755

Best teeth in the game

Sounds like a keeper

Don't do favors for strangers

10/05/2009 01:48

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 735

You deserved it 2 975

Best Baby Names of 2021

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 05:02

Today, my boyfriend has had name ideas for his future son and daughter even before I met him, but so have I. He disregards my ideas and suggestions, and is hell bent on giving our kids names because he likes "the way they sound." 'Hippopotamus' sounds good, but who’d name their kids that? FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 131

18/06/2011 23:54

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 705

You deserved it 3 821

06/04/2015 16:18

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 835

You deserved it 5 546

Pranked

By Hakimstah - 21/04/2012 17:38

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 688

You deserved it 4 416

17/11/2016 02:55

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 693

You deserved it 807

01/11/2015 15:12

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 226

You deserved it 1 312

05/02/2010 08:23

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 828

You deserved it 4 341

05/09/2015 17:36

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 113

You deserved it 10 152

31/12/2009 08:01

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 435

You deserved it 5 680

19/12/2018 02:00

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 929

You deserved it 491

26/05/2019 06:11

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 294

Put a tiger in your tank

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 08:01

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 81

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 14:01

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 83

11/10/2011 11:52

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 385

You deserved it 3 955

30/04/2019 12:00

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 029

You deserved it 223

26/12/2012 08:53

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 024

You deserved it 2 753

02/08/2014 00:20

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 251

You deserved it 3 870

30/04/2015 02:08

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 916

You deserved it 3 561

08/09/2012 09:57

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 330

You deserved it 2 076

FML brings solace

By Depresso - 24/07/2021 16:01

Today, I checked this site to find out that my previous submission had made it onto the main page. This has been the sole highlight in my life for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 170

26/07/2013 05:31

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 120

You deserved it 16 101

11/02/2011 09:54

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 180

You deserved it 4 120

Timing

By Anonymous - 12/09/2015 06:42

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 457

You deserved it 3 443

Thanks, I hate it

By CabbageFart92 - 04/09/2017 01:30

Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 292

Artists are unpredictable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 110

09/01/2013 19:57

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

30/01/2012 05:37

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 805

You deserved it 63 027

16/05/2016 21:24

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 472

You deserved it 910

03/03/2010 01:20

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 942

You deserved it 3 026

23/06/2013 18:14

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 241

You deserved it 4 656

10/11/2015 22:50

Today, on my way back to work after lunch, my airbags deployed at a stop sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 827

You deserved it 1 659

19/08/2017 04:33

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 550

You deserved it 1 004

22/12/2017 22:00

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 145

You deserved it 279

03/12/2018 16:00

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 132

You deserved it 527

27/09/2018 14:00

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 668

You deserved it 396

10/03/2016 00:01

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 344

You deserved it 7 425

28/10/2015 15:09

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 540

You deserved it 3 109

05/06/2009 04:28

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 117

You deserved it 8 258

20/11/2013 00:19

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 888

You deserved it 3 835

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Send a private message

Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:01

Given that Anita isn't a very common name, it's unlikely there's another order with that name. Maybe just ask for a pizza for Anita and don't say the full name to save yourself a little bit?

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:10

If you don't get what this means: "I need a long dong" ~you're welcome.

Comments

Send a private message

Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:01

Given that Anita isn't a very common name, it's unlikely there's another order with that name. Maybe just ask for a pizza for Anita and don't say the full name to save yourself a little bit?

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Wednesday 18 January 2017 6:00

it's a pun mate

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:03

<p>"...and poor Anita never received her pizza."</p>

RememberSchlitz 9

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:10

<p>If you did not cover that pizza with footlong hotdogs before you brought it back, you missed an opportunityfor greatness.</p>

davek 36

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 19:01

<p>Did this pizza come with extra sausage?</p>

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:10

If you don't get what this means: "I need a long dong" ~you're welcome.

EbyKat 16

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:12

I would just show the text to the pizza place.

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 21:55

Girl me too

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Tuesday 17 January 2017 22:05

Was It a joke? Like "I need a long dong"

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Wednesday 18 January 2017 3:06

no it is a completely normal name, definitely not a joke whatsoever

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Wednesday 18 January 2017 0:13

I'm pretty sure whoever took the order and just put the order under your name.

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Thursday 19 January 2017 10:26

Whuuuuut..?

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Wednesday 18 January 2017 2:13

<p>I can't be the only person who had to say that aloud to understand, right? I'm just glad my grandmother wasn't in the room. </p>