Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls...

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 284

You deserved it 7 584

Intimacy

Stop talking!

No end in sight

Pokéman gone

By Taylor - 15/07/2012 14:42 - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 936

You deserved it 32 820

By justanothergamergirl - 17/04/2019 20:00

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 762

You deserved it 1 130

Felt cute, might delete later

By nopanties - 04/03/2013 05:11 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 742

You deserved it 6 426

By Sonofaquiche - 26/01/2017 02:00

Today, I had to help my grandma because her TV suddenly stopped working. She has cable as well as satellite, so she figured she didn't need the satellite receiver anymore. Apparently the best way to do get rid of it was to cut all the cables connected to the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 935

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 325

You deserved it 3 062

By Mangler - 22/06/2010 13:49 - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 146

You deserved it 5 246

By Username - 27/11/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 517

You deserved it 45 918

By 88_OP - 25/07/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I'd been gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 390

You deserved it 3 942

The virus claims another victim

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 16:58

Today, I ran out of woodworking masks. I can't get a new one because of COVID. The cotton ones don't stop any of the dangerous particles, and now I have a cough. Screw COVID-19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 145

By The Seamstress - 20/05/2017 11:00 - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 5 413

By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 959

You deserved it 3 629

By Wheresthecreamfilling - 03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 044

You deserved it 1 866

By creepedout - 31/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 325

You deserved it 14 622

By Chubsley - 21/02/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 809

You deserved it 50 841

By awkward - 27/02/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 682

You deserved it 4 046

By Anonymous - 15/05/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 815

You deserved it 1 937

By technical - 31/03/2015 02:50 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 902

You deserved it 2 361

By Anonymous - 14/10/2014 18:57 - United States - Sebastian

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 517

You deserved it 3 455

Hedging your bets

By mauimango7 - 27/07/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 300

You deserved it 8 015

By bpruitt95 - 31/12/2012 06:46 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 421

You deserved it 3 419

Leg day

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 02:06

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 2 160

By aisbash - 01/09/2013 19:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 048

You deserved it 3 613

By medosin - 21/05/2012 12:10 - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 281

You deserved it 4 568

By gnofin - 22/03/2016 21:23 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 469

You deserved it 2 997

By Mrs. Man - 02/02/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 884

You deserved it 7 609

By headdesk - 25/06/2014 05:41 - United States - Kaneohe

Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 460

You deserved it 6 185

By Anonymous - 14/09/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 166

You deserved it 5 492

By Disgruntled ADP - 26/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Dallas

Today, we moved desks for the umpteenth time, and my supervisor stuffed me in a corner by the door with no one around to talk to. The worst thing is I hear the badge reader beep every few seconds. It's already driving me crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 184

By Moron - 23/08/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 848

You deserved it 6 529

By dogproblems - 27/01/2015 15:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 459

You deserved it 3 535

Happy Holidays

By Alone - 27/12/2020 13:58 - Italy

Today, after spending Christmas alone because my bus home got cancelled due to Covid, I found that I have to spend the New Year alone and potentially homeless because my flight home got cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 141

By reallydevonte - 01/08/2016 17:30 - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 779

You deserved it 1 106

My electric toothbrush

By Anonymous - 27/11/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 554

You deserved it 281

By buccaneer - 23/10/2012 16:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 826

You deserved it 3 535

By mr - 27/07/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 703

You deserved it 10 375

By sadbride - 26/10/2012 03:58 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 191

You deserved it 3 615

By Goatbeard - 15/02/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 109

You deserved it 3 983

By Dirtyswede - 17/06/2009 14:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 923

You deserved it 22 762

By fattymcbutterpants - 19/06/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 720

You deserved it 3 500

By Anonymous - 17/05/2012 16:28 - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 988

You deserved it 22 416

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Top comments

CalCommando 6

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:02

Ding dong, the mood is dead...

kaprookie 3

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:24

Should've gone pull my tits and then qweefed.

lovejdbieber 0

Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

imnotonaboat 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:10

You should of farted too..

kaprookie 3

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:24

Should've gone pull my tits and then qweefed.

AnonymousTroll 2

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:05

I don't see why he needed OP to pull his penis, I pull my own all the time.

tona01 16

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:59

Imagine how sad would ot be to yell pull my penis alone in your house, then pull it yourself, fart and last but not least giggle like a maniac.

GameOver008 1

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:13

What's with the negativity people?!

RavagedSoul 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:54

What's with the first 7? (not sure) comments thumbed down

Jaxx66 21

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 15:22

Why is everything thumbed down??? Holy crap it's a conspiracy!!!

reaxion 25

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 17:17

40: Therein lies the reason why you'll be forever alone!

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 17:47

1- I thumbed you down just because of your usersname and profile picture.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Thursday 17 November 2011 0:33

Why is almost every comment marked as spam?

erfia712 1

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Thursday 17 November 2011 4:42

Change ur profile pic #1

killersexy 1

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Thursday 17 November 2011 5:29

Fuck jb

ImFrackinBored 13

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Thursday 17 November 2011 7:31

So many thumbs down !_!

Panic_Moon 4

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:56

Wow. Kinky.

DynamicDave 11

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:24

*fap fap fap fap fap* ...oh... Just me and Panic_Moon then? *zips pants back up, slightly embarsssed*

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 15:43

*realizes pants are on backwards and zipper is in the back*

KJON 0

Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:56

I would have hit the Dutch oven on you.

MrKlutch 1

Send a private message

Thursday 17 November 2011 5:46

Ur an absolutely idiot

KoolKidFly 0

Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:56

Hope he hasn't had beans recently...

ScaughtieHolden 11

Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:56

How'd you fall for that?

rachel_potter 13

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:56

If you don't understand then your probably too young to be reading this

AthleticSwaqq 8

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:41

36- according to yours and 5's profile, #5 is older than you. It says he's 16, and yours says that you are 13. So, I wouldn't say that he was too young to be reading this, I think you are. He is older than you..

zstarlin100 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:34

Yea cuz people never lie about their age online...couldnt possibly happen..right?

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:41

36's profile says she's 20 to me O_o Odd. Either changed it, or 36 isn't human.

CookieMonstr19 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 15:43

13FTW 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 16:01

86, #36 is not human she's.... *puts on sunglasses* Stoooopiiid. YEAAAAAAAH

AnonymousTroll 2

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:14

111...no, just no.

OriginalimoaN 15

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:40

But seriously, she deserves that for randomly agreeing to pull his dick in the first place!

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Thursday 17 November 2011 0:38

111- that comment has so much fail on it, it's sad

batman1024 0

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Thursday 17 November 2011 3:48

yea u might wanna fix ur age cuz it just looks retarded. way to go... u just made an idiot out of urself

suxs4ulol 22

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Friday 18 November 2011 0:09

its a penis, not a finger

UrLyfSuxx 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 11:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Buttsexpirate 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:01

That's fuckin magic! He's definitely a keeper OP.

Buttsexpirate 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:10

Jeez I love how like the first 20 comments are just all rated down. It must be a conspiracy!

AnonymousTroll 2

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:15

There is no fucking and there is no magic...I don't see your point.

Fenthik 4

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 13:22

Conspiracy? No. Tons of lame unoriginal comments? Yes.

mama8809 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:01

That's just nasty hope you stoped

CalCommando 6

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:02

Ding dong, the mood is dead...

The_Troller 14

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:34

It took 9 comments before anyone could make a good one? That's just disappointing, but congrats on being the first...

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:43

What the fuck is with all these buried comments? It's like people read shakespeare and left the forum looking like the end of MacBeth. (reference)

grmnxsensati0n 4

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 14:56

seriously what i with all these comments...

Buttsexpirate 9

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 16:51

You sir are the one exception and I bow my cheeks to you.

Notime4bull 4

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 20:27

9 can definitely entertain a kid at any age (reference)

CalCommando 6

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 22:09

Wow... i must be amazing or something. Or they all suck eggs. Probaby both. xD

Vball6 19

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 22:56

Way to kill the chain of buried comments. :)

j_cat187 19

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Thursday 17 November 2011 0:10

It's like an ocean of negative comments

ceepevoy 0

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Thursday 17 November 2011 9:52

Epic battles of history!!! Dr. Suess!!! vs.!!! William Shakesphere!!!! BEGIN!!!!!

hardonforjesus 10

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:04

Next time, smack it

KJON 0

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 12:14

That's when you get penis slapped

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 17

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 1 107

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 1 258

Felt cute, might delete later

The virus claims another victim

Hedging your bets

Leg day

Happy Holidays

My electric toothbrush

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