Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting... - FML

By Casden - 13/9/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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Toxic parents

Billy no-mates

Lockdown is driving us down

By tireedddddd - 25/11/2011 16:24 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

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By stutson - 4/6/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, on my airplane ride home, the woman next to me wasn't feeling too well. She pulled out the air sickness bag to throw up into and missed. Her vomit splattered all over the seat in front of her and all over me. We were both covered in puke. And that was only my first of two flights. FML

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By yuck - 17/7/2019 14:15

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By IMadeAHandicappedPersonCry - 13/2/2013 04:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was walking to my dorm room while it was snowing heavily. I saw a girl in a wheelchair trying to get up a slippery incline. Being a good person, I asked to help. I'm a pretty weak guy, and I couldn't push her up. She wheeled away crying because she thought she was fat. FML

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By brichard22 - 12/7/2015 14:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 21/6/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By mynoseburns - 22/2/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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By lobstercola - 24/11/2012 16:35 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML

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By Username - 11/7/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

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By creepedoutlady - 16/8/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By Order of the Dangling Testicles - 28/1/2014 20:28 - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

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By Oh_Well - 11/10/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, I finally had time to talk with my boyfriend. We had a nice long conversation, which included him telling me how much I meant to him and that we really need to see each other more often. He concluded the speech twenty minutes later with "Which is why I really hope we can stay friends". FML

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By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

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By ZombieMommy - 10/3/2017 05:00 - United States - Conroe

Plooped

Today, I was pouring milk into my coffee and, as it plooped into my mug, I noticed the expiration date on the jug passed 2 weeks ago. Nobody here drinks milk very often and I ran out of creamer so I've been unknowingly drinking my coffee with curdled milk for the past 3 days. FML

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By singleagain - 15/5/2012 01:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

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By Disappointed - 10/9/2012 04:26 - United States - Angleton

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

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By ladylarni - 7/4/2013 08:20 - Australia

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML

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By charlie043 - 11/9/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

High Times

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 00:51 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML

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By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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By beaverfever - 6/8/2014 16:45 - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By still on hol - 27/12/2014 10:12 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML

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By stewiesclone - 11/2/2010 09:09 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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By Synonymous_Rex - 5/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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By Unhappymothersday - 17/5/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 03:19 - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 22:09 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By IHateMyJob - 18/1/2009 04:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

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By dxl - 18/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

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By Pisspants - 17/9/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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By mhmohyeah - 10/11/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 21:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML

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By belieber101 - 17/3/2012 12:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML

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By myfamilyisodd - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 09:41 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

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Top comments

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#561096 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

lmao thats madd funny!! i had that with a craigslist posting.... :/

oh well, at least you have a chance to make new friends (:

By geesquared | 0

#561118 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:14

put HIS number all over popular youtube videos... ouch

COMMENTS

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#561096 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

lmao thats madd funny!! i had that with a craigslist posting.... :/

oh well, at least you have a chance to make new friends (:

Reply

Gia0896 | 0

#561125 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:16

DAmn, then you might wanna get a girl best friend. .

Reply

KaySL | 24

#561126 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:16

Erm... you use craigslist? Why in Cheney's name hasn't this fucker had their comment buried yet?!

Reply

theluckygirl28 | 8

#561243 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:06

nahh i don't use it. my friend put my pic and number on and i got tonz of txts from random horny old guys

Reply

KaySL | 24

#561246 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:09

I'll say, lol. Anyway, I feel violated just talking about Craigslist, so I think I'll return to spewing unjustified bile at the OP...

YDI for not formatting your entire submission in ebonics!

Reply

theluckygirl28 | 8

#561256 - Sunday 13 September 2009 21:15

lmao that's not troll-like... ahh well, tsall good (: how's the weather?

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#561349 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:17

I agree with Dame.
Get him back. If he's straight, put his number in a gay bar. Or vice versa.
Revengeeeee.

Reply

Dogman332 | 0

#561374 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:31

Hey to all stoners out there. I just smoked catnip. Wow, now THAT stuff gives a major KICK.

Reply

mooreon131 | 0

#561390 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:38

any guys (or girls too i guess) looking for sexy fun time, call me at 410-487-3362!

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#561409 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:51

how would you not notice, though? because they're both male...so wouldn't YOU notice your number on teh bathroom wall?

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#561412 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:55

Unlikely. The friend probably wrote it in a stall, and the dude probably just uses the urinals.

Reply

xMooMoox | 0

#561583 - Monday 14 September 2009 0:20

I think he probably wrote it a while ago and not necessarily when he was hanging out with the friend.

Reply

xBrightKnee | 4

#598644 - Friday 2 October 2009 1:31

ewh broeeee.
horny old guys on craigslist.
I am SO glad nobody did that to me :/

Reply

benny2465 | 0

#1194734 - Thursday 5 August 2010 18:26

dude op that's what guys do, we piss eachother off on purpose, just get revenge

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3416521 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 5:23

36 - or on a huge billboard somewhere, it might cost some money but you'll be a revenge legend

By zomfgrawr_ | 0

#561097 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:10

.. Uhm? O_O

By zeal | 0

#561102 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:11

I don't get it?

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#561105 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:12

Wow are you fucking serious? You need to go watch Dumb and Dumber :P

Reply

ell1609 | 0

#561108 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:12

his friend wrote his number on the wall

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#561331 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:02

Lol nice try at trying to impersonate DameGrey

Talk about retarded

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#561422 - Sunday 13 September 2009 22:59

#37, you fail at life. Go die. The REAL DameGreyWulf (with an L) has a sense of humor. If you're going to impersonate someone, it should be someone more on your own level. I would suggest Britney Spears.

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#561475 - Sunday 13 September 2009 23:20

Wow, some people really don't have a life.
Also, that's creepy that someone would do that.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#561564 - Monday 14 September 2009 0:09

Of all people to pose as... lol

By shuttuplily | 0

#561106 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:12

Well she confessed.. whats the problem?

Reply

CBR77 | 0

#561179 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:40

They're both male.

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#561707 - Monday 14 September 2009 1:33

He was joking. I would've said the same thing...

By ashuleyy | 0

#561110 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:12

Dude, that suckss :D

By Sp1tfire | 0

#561111 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:13

lol owned, FYL, your friend must be really annoying

By xoerica9 | 0

#561113 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:13

LMAO! I love this one!

By twiggly | 0

#561114 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:13

aha, oh man. This was hilarious. FYL, that sucks. The last few FML's have been funny FYL's, contrary to the dumb "YDI's" that seem to populate this site.

By ANTONKR | 0

#561115 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:13

12th

By x_Leopard_x | 1

#561117 - Sunday 13 September 2009 20:14

LOL! XD

That sucks.