Intimacy: Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic...

By neckcrack - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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19131

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Intimacy

Triage

Risky business

Great speech, thanks!

By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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65278

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By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48552

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3270

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By Scared4Lf - United States - Lamoure

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19792

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1507

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40394

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7178

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By theynamedmeluke - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44233

You deserved it

2849

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46121

You deserved it

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By Collin - United States

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50758

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I was babysitting my friend's 12-year-old son while his dad was having an emergency procedure at the hospital. I walked into the den to see if he wanted to go out to dinner, only to find him watching Pornhub on my iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2452

You deserved it

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By Keldar - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16563

You deserved it

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By soisblueballsdickhead - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45884

You deserved it

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By gimpy - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11139

You deserved it

1213

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By brebre101 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36096

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple their “vibrator will go off when a table is available”. I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3831

You deserved it

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By Dana - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26023

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31899

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1314

You deserved it

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52558

You deserved it

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By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11879

You deserved it

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43921

You deserved it

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By Lizofsmeg - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23130

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18462

You deserved it

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By nofinal - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8274

You deserved it

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By wwasmer - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50773

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By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28739

You deserved it

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By uglyyyyy - United States

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39860

You deserved it

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By ScaredDude

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1001

You deserved it

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By Magilla - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30010

You deserved it

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By Useless Key

Today, my sister couldn't find the spare key I gave her for my apartment, so I had to pay a $50 fee to the leasing office. Not 30 minutes after paying, she found the key. In her purse. On her keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2958

You deserved it

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By Mr IT - Sweden

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6741

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32811

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29270

You deserved it

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By Micheal - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48085

You deserved it

3749

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8649

You deserved it

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By Lydlsis - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21662

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Estoy Poopin

Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4035

You deserved it

508

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By Ugh

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2165

You deserved it

2817

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By not even - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13574

You deserved it

2713

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By TriedToHelp

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1861

You deserved it

477

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By This guy - United States - Jackson

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

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27903

You deserved it

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Top comments

By fishycanswim | 0

#1365658 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:03

Well that...sucks, you really...blew that one for him.

By AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1365656 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

cocky much?

COMMENTS

By drewbnewbie | 0

#1365648 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

that head must've been painful...

lemoncows | 2

#1367897 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 4:27

lol she got whiplash from giving head

Daneish | 0

#3818330 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:27

Never stop in the middle of a hoe down!

By Unnamedsoul | 0

#1365652 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

lol

cusof | 0

#1365849 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:11

u remind me of mr t

By alexbeathalo2 | 4

#1365653 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

your bf must have a really small c***

Jizwold | 0

#1365798 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:38

wat? how could u possibly come to that conclusion?

trudom108 | 0

#1365827 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:01

WTF how can you get that from her fml

shanie123 | 10

#1368628 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 8:19

#5 plz explain how you came to that conclusion from what she posted

mind_geek | 15

#1915175 - Saturday 1 January 2011 5:14

there are so many things wrong with what you just said.

By cruxx | 0

#1365654 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

win

By tpea | 1

#1365655 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

ouch !

By AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1365656 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

cocky much?

reptarroars | 7

#1365783 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:24

:D nice pun!

HeatherXCore | 0

#1366268 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 20:25

Ba dum ching! :D

JillianlikesVogu | 0

#1366879 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 0:08

I see what you did there.

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1367842 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 4:06

you my friend, may be my new hero

AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1367991 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 5:30

yay I like being peoples heroes :D

nascar1477 | 0

#1378280 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:14

you are super cute ;)

AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1450324 - Friday 24 September 2010 4:44

187- I HOPE your not talking to me..

xleanne_aLly | 23

#3776558 - Friday 23 December 2011 15:49

Conky! I love him.

Rowdey | 10

#4479036 - Friday 25 May 2012 4:45

183 - 154 isn't that far off from your "12 year old daughter" whom you "love spending time with". Thought I'd put that out there.. And she may actually be that dude.