Intimacy: Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic...

By neckcrack - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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19127

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Intimacy

Commando

Buzzing the tower

Kick the bum out, part 2

By FML - United States

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

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33710

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By Anonymous - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

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49180

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By signupsheetfail - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

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21781

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By zaneey - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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7646

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By hanzastfu - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34696

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By bootyislife - United States - Lynnwood

Hidden

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31533

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16244

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By Morgan Jones

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1455

You deserved it

373

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By thebeachisthatway - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36115

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By Anonymous - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1553

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560

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By superconfused16 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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36886

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By Anonymous

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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1457

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266

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36557

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By O-|---<=~ - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

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59880

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By WTF?!?! - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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16775

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By get me out of this house! - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38493

You deserved it

3603

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By RyoKioKio

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2737

You deserved it

170

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2733

You deserved it

230

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

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27198

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3924

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By inthecold - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29097

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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42883

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7443

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By Jex - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

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38755

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By hater

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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64141

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14794

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7278

You deserved it

408

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By Gasman - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3451

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3035

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By Depression... - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35002

You deserved it

9071

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By NotTHATbad

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

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11463

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 07:14

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1599

You deserved it

286

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By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1683

You deserved it

219

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3826

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5519

You deserved it

310

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By Hot Pants - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25345

You deserved it

5783

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By Joey - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18950

You deserved it

2578

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By DutchOven - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59289

You deserved it

25866

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By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24301

You deserved it

3013

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By dentedmercedes - United States - Berkley

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59546

You deserved it

8207

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25663

You deserved it

2929

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By ChubbyPanda

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13774

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3590

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

I agree, your life sucks

153277

You deserved it

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By aubrey

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3119

You deserved it

306

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Top comments

By fishycanswim | 0

#1365658 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:03

Well that...sucks, you really...blew that one for him.

By AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1365656 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

cocky much?

COMMENTS

By drewbnewbie | 0

#1365648 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

that head must've been painful...

lemoncows | 2

#1367897 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 4:27

lol she got whiplash from giving head

Daneish | 0

#3818330 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:27

Never stop in the middle of a hoe down!

By Unnamedsoul | 0

#1365652 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

lol

cusof | 0

#1365849 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:11

u remind me of mr t

By alexbeathalo2 | 4

#1365653 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

your bf must have a really small c***

Jizwold | 0

#1365798 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:38

wat? how could u possibly come to that conclusion?

trudom108 | 0

#1365827 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:01

WTF how can you get that from her fml

shanie123 | 10

#1368628 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 8:19

#5 plz explain how you came to that conclusion from what she posted

mind_geek | 15

#1915175 - Saturday 1 January 2011 5:14

there are so many things wrong with what you just said.

By cruxx | 0

#1365654 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

win

By tpea | 1

#1365655 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

ouch !

By AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1365656 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:01

cocky much?

reptarroars | 7

#1365783 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:24

:D nice pun!

HeatherXCore | 0

#1366268 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 20:25

Ba dum ching! :D

JillianlikesVogu | 0

#1366879 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 0:08

I see what you did there.

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1367842 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 4:06

you my friend, may be my new hero

AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1367991 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 5:30

yay I like being peoples heroes :D

nascar1477 | 0

#1378280 - Thursday 9 September 2010 20:14

you are super cute ;)

AyeItsMobleyy | 0

#1450324 - Friday 24 September 2010 4:44

187- I HOPE your not talking to me..

xleanne_aLly | 23

#3776558 - Friday 23 December 2011 15:49

Conky! I love him.

Rowdey | 10

#4479036 - Friday 25 May 2012 4:45

183 - 154 isn't that far off from your "12 year old daughter" whom you "love spending time with". Thought I'd put that out there.. And she may actually be that dude.