Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat... - FML

By Mandoune - 7/11/2008 14:18 - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

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Rock, hard place

KoBabe

Mr Sensitivity

By davidh5012 - 27/11/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

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By ThanksAsshole - 28/3/2020 20:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By Scarlett - 16/2/2013 06:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

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By nerd - 3/3/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By Black - 12/12/2008 03:31 - Lebanon

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

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By Tiny - 29/7/2014 08:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By toobroketoprotest - 16/8/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By jacobscrackers - 1/8/2010 18:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2017 13:00

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 15:49 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

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By BFfail - 15/8/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By royallymessedup - 14/8/2016 13:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML

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By candymansvan17 - 17/8/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

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By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - 26/12/2009 07:22 - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By ;)loganberry(; - 27/12/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend of four years decided that the best way to break up with me was to move out of our apartment while I was at work, and then text me a video of himself having sex with another girl. FML

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By MATTY2512 - 13/7/2016 18:13 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Hayward

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

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By ugh - 20/6/2015 10:45 - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

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By MrG - 12/10/2014 03:14 - United States

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

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By please stop singing!!!! - 21/3/2014 23:59 - United States - Windermere

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

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By AliRocks - 15/2/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

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By Alison - 8/12/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By alyssac11 - 25/5/2010 04:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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By Ketchup - 22/6/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

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By Unknown - 7/2/2014 14:18 - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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By BurntBroken - 9/1/2017 13:16

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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By mel - 18/1/2013 23:18 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By Cheapo - 27/12/2017 19:00

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

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By pissed off - 2/7/2014 21:52 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By :( - 19/3/2013 20:12 - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By yeah - 27/8/2010 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were role playing when her mum walked past the slightly open door, saw me, and chased me out of the house for stealing her baby's innocence. I was only wearing a red speedo. FML

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By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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By Baboosh - 28/9/2009 04:11 - Canada

Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

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Top comments

By SRJ | 0

#87662 - Monday 6 April 2009 21:48

I'm a bit confused too. But according to urbandictionary, "flower pot" means "When you soil/shart you underwear, then remove the underwear and put them on someones head." Maybe the person who posted the fml meant soiled underwear? Even then its a bit confusing...unless the flatmate had sh*t themselves and came out in their underwear to help.

By silvereye12 | 7

#2784240 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 9:55

sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

COMMENTS

By csigabajnok | 0

#281 - Thursday 5 February 2009 14:57

And did you get it out with it? :)

Reply

Gibby_fml | 0

#929055 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 16:29

your 'flat mate'???? lol.

Reply

TheBlakester419 | 0

#975441 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 3:42

flat in Europe meens apartmant. therefore, it would be like saying apartment neighbor

Reply

queencitystoner | 0

#1041957 - Thursday 24 June 2010 23:09

nope equivelant to roomate not neighbour

By deadangel_fml | 0

#1648 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:03

I don't get it either... Confoozed.

Reply

zackmx99 | 0

#997172 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 5:00

WIN confoozed lol

By asdf123 | 0

#2282 - Sunday 15 February 2009 5:59

i don't get it

Reply

YourAFailmod | 4

#4210113 - Saturday 24 March 2012 20:51

Why do the FML mod people post these it makes no sense.

By hahasucks | 0

#3975 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:10

i don't get it at all

By carebear | 0

#8695 - Friday 27 February 2009 18:49

that doesn't make sense...

By McFinder | 0

#11098 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:47

this is stupid. i don't get it

By shaBAMalex | 0

#17348 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:49

:S what

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1287362 - Monday 23 August 2010 1:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

stoptoshin | 4

#3980191 - Thursday 2 February 2012 4:48

no man shes mine

By Raceta | 5

#28779 - Thursday 12 March 2009 22:27

Don't get it either!

By wbrycem | 0

#29650 - Friday 13 March 2009 12:08

Eh?

By javlin | 0

#29768 - Friday 13 March 2009 15:01

how did this get posted on here