Miscellaneous: Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat... - FML

By Mandoune - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24267

You deserved it

4555

Tweet

Share

And today, on Dr Phil…

Sorry…

Modernity

By birthdayfun - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

153072

You deserved it

8166

Tweet

Share

By backtosquareone - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. After hearing how excited I was on the phone, HR docked the initial salary offer by 40% in the written contract. She said it was non-negotiable. Guess I'm back to job hunting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5500

You deserved it

454

Tweet

Share

By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

6833

You deserved it

590

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19909

You deserved it

24890

Tweet

Share

By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31098

You deserved it

2211

Tweet

Share

By crabmunch15 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23786

You deserved it

10913

Tweet

Share

By tkrause - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend came over with a hickey on his neck. He thinks "The vacuum did it" is a believable excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41299

You deserved it

4138

Tweet

Share

By oopsiecoffee - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13274

You deserved it

76528

Tweet

Share

By nick - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27188

You deserved it

5964

Tweet

Share

By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13732

You deserved it

1874

Tweet

Share

By drew - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38519

You deserved it

5289

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo. They put a new monkey cage in my designated spot. I was literally fired so a monkey could take my place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39946

You deserved it

5058

Tweet

Share

By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1257

You deserved it

145

Tweet

Share

By justcomesnaturally - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7430

You deserved it

34506

Tweet

Share

By crushed dreams - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18462

You deserved it

243166

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29501

You deserved it

2762

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got yelled at for providing horrible customer service, in a store I don't even work for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27526

You deserved it

1991

Tweet

Share

By thesaddestsoup - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7527

You deserved it

1330

Tweet

Share

By OneGirlsLife

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3550

You deserved it

204

Tweet

Share

By bloodless - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22195

You deserved it

1538

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11215

You deserved it

923

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44266

You deserved it

4244

Tweet

Share

By ineedanotherdrink - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a female friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, She said 'Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?'. Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49617

You deserved it

5360

Tweet

Share

By muffin - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46845

You deserved it

16537

Tweet

Share

By FianceFlaw?

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2789

You deserved it

251

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27846

You deserved it

2836

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28762

You deserved it

2741

Tweet

Share

By catdog552 - United States

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36852

You deserved it

2581

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50603

You deserved it

3706

Tweet

Share

By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23619

You deserved it

57029

Tweet

Share

By RunningMurphy - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46492

You deserved it

2737

Tweet

Share

By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

I agree, your life sucks

78518

You deserved it

4504

Tweet

Share

By ManInTrouble - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51540

You deserved it

4500

Tweet

Share

By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29081

You deserved it

4481

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14725

You deserved it

73725

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5480

You deserved it

464

Tweet

Share

By Jer - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25032

You deserved it

48564

Tweet

Share

By GirlinGreen - United States

Today, I was babysitting a four year old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me and that I should go die and never come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50252

You deserved it

18462

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68708

You deserved it

10477

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34667

You deserved it

1981

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By SRJ | 0

#87662 - Monday 6 April 2009 21:48

I'm a bit confused too. But according to urbandictionary, "flower pot" means "When you soil/shart you underwear, then remove the underwear and put them on someones head." Maybe the person who posted the fml meant soiled underwear? Even then its a bit confusing...unless the flatmate had sh*t themselves and came out in their underwear to help.

By silvereye12 | 7

#2784240 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 9:55

sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

COMMENTS

By csigabajnok | 0

#281 - Thursday 5 February 2009 14:57

And did you get it out with it? :)

Reply

Gibby_fml | 0

#929055 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 16:29

your 'flat mate'???? lol.

Reply

TheBlakester419 | 0

#975441 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 3:42

flat in Europe meens apartmant. therefore, it would be like saying apartment neighbor

Reply

queencitystoner | 0

#1041957 - Thursday 24 June 2010 23:09

nope equivelant to roomate not neighbour

By deadangel_fml | 0

#1648 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:03

I don't get it either... Confoozed.

Reply

zackmx99 | 0

#997172 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 5:00

WIN confoozed lol

By asdf123 | 0

#2282 - Sunday 15 February 2009 5:59

i don't get it

Reply

YourAFailmod | 4

#4210113 - Saturday 24 March 2012 20:51

Why do the FML mod people post these it makes no sense.

By hahasucks | 0

#3975 - Thursday 19 February 2009 18:10

i don't get it at all

By carebear | 0

#8695 - Friday 27 February 2009 18:49

that doesn't make sense...

By McFinder | 0

#11098 - Monday 2 March 2009 17:47

this is stupid. i don't get it

By shaBAMalex | 0

#17348 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:49

:S what

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#1287362 - Monday 23 August 2010 1:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

stoptoshin | 4

#3980191 - Thursday 2 February 2012 4:48

no man shes mine

By Raceta | 5

#28779 - Thursday 12 March 2009 22:27

Don't get it either!

By wbrycem | 0

#29650 - Friday 13 March 2009 12:08

Eh?

By javlin | 0

#29768 - Friday 13 March 2009 15:01

how did this get posted on here