Intimacy: Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

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Nerves of steel

Harsh

Keep the peace

By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 08:09

So wrong

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my family. When I told him I had an autistic brother before he came in, he immediately broke up with me because he claimed autism is another word for overprotective. I've been dating an idiot. FML

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By wallflower - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By ironies a b*tch - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

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By StickyPickles - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By xoxoblondee - United States - Valley Village

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I covered a 10-hour shift for a sick coworker. Glad to earn some extra money for the holidays, I went to clock out. I hadn't even clocked in when I first got there at 7 am. FML

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By 20 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my religious parents were hosting a family dinner. Not only did we have to wait over an hour for my grandma to finally show up, but when she did, she had her 30 year old boytoy in tow. Apparently, "Granny has needs too you know, hahaha!" Goodbye peaceful family. FML

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By learntmylesson - France

Today, I politely asked my friend if she would repay me the £20 she owes me. She shouted at me, called me an insensitive bitch, and refuses to pay me back as apparently she can't afford to. Her holiday to Italy next week begs to differ. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

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By Nightsong - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By notrocketscience - United States - West Monroe

Dumbass

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

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By almost governmental - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

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By Randiluck - Canada

Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By Scholar - United States

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

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By BookBabe - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By Frenchie - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By herpmonster - Italy

Today, I stepped out for some fresh air while I waited for my clothes to dry at the laundromat. Just as I was retrieving my clothes, a disheveled-looking kid staggered over, pushed me aside, and started vomiting his guts out all over my fresh clothes. FML

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By Mel Cluze

Fire!

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

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By ericane27 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By meowcat101 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

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By julia - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By Waste Someone Else's Time - United States

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

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By hatetodisappoint - United States

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

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By rplovez - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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Top comments

By Bmlacme | 3

#117015 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

EWWW!! Why would you do that? That's just gross..

By Lemun | 1

#117025 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

LOL
A little too confident ;)

COMMENTS

By Leilanibear_8594 | 0

#116995 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:09

Wow your quite the little whore now arent u?

Reply

GlobalElephant | 16

#2954609 - Saturday 23 July 2011 0:47

I guess the "goods" were not that good

Reply

GrooveSponge | 0

#3430572 - Friday 14 October 2011 14:44

Her self esteem=nonexistent.

By tha_AZN_NvAZN | 0

#117001 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:10

i probably wouldn't mind if i got a little peek...

Reply

wooters | 1

#997067 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 3:19

u know it's always the ugly ones thattry to show it.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#117008 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

#1 took the words right out of my mouth.

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1405557 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 1:14

what did she say??

Reply

sloppyflow | 1

#2100891 - Saturday 19 February 2011 19:09

probably "what a whore" or something like that

By f_mylife24 | 0

#117009 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

Boo, you whore.
=P

By Bmlacme | 3

#117015 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

EWWW!! Why would you do that? That's just gross..

Reply

truelyawesome | 0

#840670 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 9:38

u probably aren't as hot as you'd like to think

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5153643 - Friday 16 November 2012 4:07

XD - "...little peek of the goods..."

By kelther | 0

#117018 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

haha, fail. not everyone wants to see the goods, i guess...

By xkaokaox | 0

#117024 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

The OP means "damaged" goods :)

Reply

frikkinhannah | 0

#973023 - Friday 2 April 2010 14:36

Lol. Win.

By Lemun | 1

#117025 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

LOL
A little too confident ;)

Reply

hahayousucks | 3

#917911 - Saturday 6 March 2010 2:35

yea or maybe the guy was just trying to be polite. it's great how some ppl jump to conclusions.

By Supasploo29 | 0

#117026 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

YDI for being a slut

By Livyxx | 0

#117028 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

maybe he is just not that into girls ever think of that?