Love: Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like... - FML

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47896

You deserved it

6648

Tweet

Share

Sorry…

Lockdown is driving us down

Clean break

By Glutton - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6226

You deserved it

49426

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40779

You deserved it

2798

Tweet

Share

By William Johnson - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46363

You deserved it

5794

Tweet

Share

By CurseYouSonyaLee - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40154

You deserved it

5523

Tweet

Share

By confused_girl - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60218

You deserved it

5009

Tweet

Share

By AtLeastHaveADecientExcuse

Today, my first date in years cancelled on me because she has to "wash the horse's hair." The date was arranged for 9:30pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42127

You deserved it

3436

Tweet

Share

By AgathedeBlouse - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27487

You deserved it

25073

Tweet

Share

By Eliza - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36170

You deserved it

2397

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38607

You deserved it

3174

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 11:02

Rom-com

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend who I'm crushing hard on that I like her. She gave me a look of revulsion and asked if I was joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1045

You deserved it

125

Tweet

Share

By Lily - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84440

You deserved it

4648

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27117

You deserved it

9349

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Weirdo alert

Today, while running, a man ran up next to me and started jogging with me. He asked if he could run with me and I said yes. Later, when I told him I was going home, he followed me home. When I asked him to leave, he sat down on my lawn in protest. He has been there for over 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57140

You deserved it

8403

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - La Grange

Horndog

Today, I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. He got arrested because he was tugging his man-meat in the drive-thru at a McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30599

You deserved it

5627

Tweet

Share

By Lily - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50374

You deserved it

3245

Tweet

Share

By laxguy23 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66824

You deserved it

3468

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Anonymity

Today, I got my grades back. I got a very poor evaluation for my lit class, which was odd because it didn't match the impression from my end-of-class meeting with the professor. It does, however, include a nod to the supposedly-anonymous negative class review I gave her, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12056

You deserved it

1631

Tweet

Share

By marriagesux - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25624

You deserved it

4635

Tweet

Share

By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15989

You deserved it

39207

Tweet

Share

By Michigan - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26648

You deserved it

4848

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46715

You deserved it

7568

Tweet

Share

By heartbroken - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46634

You deserved it

6104

Tweet

Share

By squishylog - United States

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48795

You deserved it

7073

Tweet

Share

By shouldabeenapornstar - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11181

You deserved it

40169

Tweet

Share

By greeneyedpothead - United States - Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10434

You deserved it

27491

Tweet

Share

By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52654

You deserved it

6278

Tweet

Share

By butterfingers - United States - New Wilmington

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47191

You deserved it

17946

Tweet

Share

By ohsnap - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8660

You deserved it

35202

Tweet

Share

By Marty - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29482

You deserved it

2582

Tweet

Share

By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37643

You deserved it

5253

Tweet

Share

By itsjustemcee - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23478

You deserved it

1601

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40231

You deserved it

3455

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I spent a hundred dollars on new "business casual" clothes and took two hours to get ready for my interview with a government agency. My interviewer was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30821

You deserved it

7356

Tweet

Share

By disgusted - United States

Today, I went into my parents room to empty their wastebasket. Next to it and around their bed, I found tissues that were soaked in an unknown sticky substance. I had to pick them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29366

You deserved it

3651

Tweet

Share

By i fking love docb - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Christiansted

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28683

You deserved it

3306

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

44738

You deserved it

23831

Tweet

Share

By proteinboy - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11673

You deserved it

30332

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12978

You deserved it

77996

Tweet

Share

By Misty3242 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36507

You deserved it

4111

Tweet

Share

By cocacoola - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47656

You deserved it

4294

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5584855 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:29

You didn't say HOW you were gonna make people laugh, so I say you succeeded in doing exact what comedians are supposed to do!

By VasiIisa | 5

#5584857 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:30

I suppose you've mastered the art of the...spit-take.

COMMENTS

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5584855 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:29

You didn't say HOW you were gonna make people laugh, so I say you succeeded in doing exact what comedians are supposed to do!

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5584890 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:51

Exactly. I like op's unorthodox methods.

Reply

chabelo | 10

#5584929 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 17:44

exactly. ...just say that it was part of the show

Reply

quontag | 15

#5584992 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 18:44

Exactly 17... Just copy what the last two people just inferred.

Reply

\ | 28

#5586076 - Thursday 18 July 2013 12:02

Suck your teeth and swallow before you talk to minimize spitting... A wise friend taught me that.

By VasiIisa | 5

#5584857 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:30

I suppose you've mastered the art of the...spit-take.

By LaLince | 40

#5584858 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:31

Another meaning of spit-take..

By perdix | 29

#5584871 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:33

I guess you're like Gallagher without the sledgehammer.

By olpally | 32

#5584873 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:35

Well that's mortifying. I wouldn't be able to continue if I were you...

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5584874 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:35

excellent user name, sylvester.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5584941 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 17:52

You mean...exthellent uthername Thylvester!

By Confused77 | 3

#5584880 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:38

I guess you were the SPITTING image of a comedian on stage..

By perdix | 29

#5584881 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:39

Who is "they?"

You'd better fix that problem -- guys prefer girls that don't spit . . . if you know what I mean ;)

By cosicosei | 22

#5584889 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:50

Hahah you made it rain! What a baller.

By awkward611 | 26

#5584894 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 16:54

I'm sorry OP but that really is funny I would have laughed too.