Animals: Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of... - FML

By orilykid - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Best of both worlds

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally convinced my son to use the potty. Later, he saw a show on TV about a toilet monster. Now he's too scared to even step foot into the bathroom. Here's to another few months of diaper changes. FML

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By eatmywords - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By poisongrl - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By shitty candles - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

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By jerkgirl - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

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By abusedparrot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

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By Super Confused - United States - Fremont

Today, I got my graded essay from my teacher. Earlier, he'd said that it was "too specific", and that I should change it to be "more general and debatable". Now that I've got it back, the first comments on the paper are, "Your thesis is too general, be more specific." FML

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By fuq - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

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By Junkrat

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

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By cleb

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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By Proprepourtant - France

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By #[email protected]

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By betterthanhodor - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

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By anon - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

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By pod - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

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By anonymous - Austria

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

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By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

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By Goki - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By Sybille - France

Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By catwithwatermelononhead

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By Alice - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By MiserableGradStudent

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By damngotkik

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

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By LonerCow - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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Top comments

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

COMMENTS

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5102461 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Typical day in the life of a Midwestern ... NBD

Reply

xKites | 4

#5102570 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:24

OP is from California.

Reply

bugmenotmofo | 34

#5102637 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:47

28- California is in the Mid-West.

Reply

olpally | 32

#5102696 - Thursday 1 November 2012 0:11

My faith in humanity went down -200 reading this thread of stupidity... Thanks penguinbitch... I almost lost my mind...

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5104375 - Thursday 1 November 2012 14:35

Lol I know..??? I was saying that in the Midwest ppl experience that all the time. Jeesh ppl why r u hatin so much?

By CantusVulpis | 12

#5102365 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

I wonder how it managed to die in there....?

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5102382 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

Cancer

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5102441 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:48

I think that must be the only time the word, "cancer" has made me laugh.

Reply

kakarot2 | 11

#5102517 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:05

She went nuts?

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5102535 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:13

Maybe it ate a poisonous nut.

Reply

imavelociraptor | 6

#5106597 - Friday 2 November 2012 2:41

We know one thing...
Its
Not
Lupus

By feldco1 | 17

#5102373 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:31

Aw poor squirrel! Same thing happened to me with like 3 birds though.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5102395 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:39

You died in a pile of leaves with three birds? Sound awful.

Reply

MormonPornstar | 7

#5104569 - Thursday 1 November 2012 15:38

#dead

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#5102385 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

I'd fall off the roof/ladder when i picked the squirrel up.

Reply

CrazyManNo9 | 29

#5105428 - Thursday 1 November 2012 19:31

Certainly! LOL I hadn't thought of that until I saw your post but you would find me dead in a pile of leaves on the ground some time later...

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5102392 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:38

Seeing something like that would drive me nutty.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5102466 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:52

You're dead right it would, I think I'd leaf gutter-cleaning to the professionals after a shingle instance of that, maybe give them roofies so they won't remember the day after.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5102618 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:40

I would've went with 'nuts'.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5102894 - Thursday 1 November 2012 1:04

That's what I meant to say. Couldn't edit in time :(

By astralvagan | 20

#5102406 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:42

Yummy! Dinner!!! But on a serious note, that sucks OP. I imagine that smell will stay with you for a while..... Burn incense, that will help get rid of the smell

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#5102458 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Incense not necessary. Just sniff coffee grounds.

By loserboii | 11

#5102410 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Use that dead squirrel for Halloween decorations. That'll really scare the kids!

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5103041 - Thursday 1 November 2012 2:10

It'll make sure those damn annoying fat kids don't come up to your door asking for candy, that's for sure.

By Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102412 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Gotta love cleaning gutters.... Squirrel surprise

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102533 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:12

Or u could just get lead guard an save urself the hassle and time? Lol

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102540 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:14

Leaf*

Reply

Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102581 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:26

That is true...

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

By gracehi | 31

#5102435 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:46

Shame. What a waste of a tasty squirrel.