Animals: Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of... - FML

By orilykid - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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Broken bum

Social media was a mistake

Furry family

By wearyconsumer

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By Tireddddddd - United States

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

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By NotAPrincess - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

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By A.L.Woody - United States

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband tried to haggle a blowjob out of me in exchange for taking his first shower in nearly two weeks. FML

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By Masonlee89 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By but cum to think of it...

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

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By Lapis - United States

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

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By neverbeenkissed - United States

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

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By Anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By RawrSparkle - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By Aus - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By mermaidkeels - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Staten Island

No balls activity

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

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By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By Kara - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 08:00

Decisions, decisions

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face and he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

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By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

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By mustanggt

Today, I submitted an offer on a house. I got a call a few minutes later saying that it had collapsed. FML

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By goldfish - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By Eliza - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

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By ohseven6421 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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By never_ending_hangover - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend out to meet my coworkers for the first time. I really wanted to impress them, and get them to think how cool we are to hang out with, since I am new to LA. Instead, my boyfriend threw up in my boss' sink. FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML

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By Steve - United States - Lake Charles

Self-service

Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML

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By SadPuppy - United States

Today, while grieving over the loss of my Grandpa, I called my girlfriend for comfort. After I had cheered up, she said, "Don't worry, he went to Hell anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By steak through the heart - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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Top comments

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

COMMENTS

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5102461 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Typical day in the life of a Midwestern ... NBD

Reply

xKites | 4

#5102570 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:24

OP is from California.

Reply

bugmenotmofo | 34

#5102637 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:47

28- California is in the Mid-West.

Reply

olpally | 32

#5102696 - Thursday 1 November 2012 0:11

My faith in humanity went down -200 reading this thread of stupidity... Thanks penguinbitch... I almost lost my mind...

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5104375 - Thursday 1 November 2012 14:35

Lol I know..??? I was saying that in the Midwest ppl experience that all the time. Jeesh ppl why r u hatin so much?

By CantusVulpis | 12

#5102365 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

I wonder how it managed to die in there....?

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5102382 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

Cancer

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5102441 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:48

I think that must be the only time the word, "cancer" has made me laugh.

Reply

kakarot2 | 11

#5102517 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:05

She went nuts?

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5102535 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:13

Maybe it ate a poisonous nut.

Reply

imavelociraptor | 6

#5106597 - Friday 2 November 2012 2:41

We know one thing...
Its
Not
Lupus

By feldco1 | 17

#5102373 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:31

Aw poor squirrel! Same thing happened to me with like 3 birds though.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5102395 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:39

You died in a pile of leaves with three birds? Sound awful.

Reply

MormonPornstar | 7

#5104569 - Thursday 1 November 2012 15:38

#dead

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#5102385 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

I'd fall off the roof/ladder when i picked the squirrel up.

Reply

CrazyManNo9 | 29

#5105428 - Thursday 1 November 2012 19:31

Certainly! LOL I hadn't thought of that until I saw your post but you would find me dead in a pile of leaves on the ground some time later...

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5102392 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:38

Seeing something like that would drive me nutty.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5102466 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:52

You're dead right it would, I think I'd leaf gutter-cleaning to the professionals after a shingle instance of that, maybe give them roofies so they won't remember the day after.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5102618 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:40

I would've went with 'nuts'.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5102894 - Thursday 1 November 2012 1:04

That's what I meant to say. Couldn't edit in time :(

By astralvagan | 20

#5102406 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:42

Yummy! Dinner!!! But on a serious note, that sucks OP. I imagine that smell will stay with you for a while..... Burn incense, that will help get rid of the smell

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#5102458 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Incense not necessary. Just sniff coffee grounds.

By loserboii | 11

#5102410 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Use that dead squirrel for Halloween decorations. That'll really scare the kids!

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5103041 - Thursday 1 November 2012 2:10

It'll make sure those damn annoying fat kids don't come up to your door asking for candy, that's for sure.

By Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102412 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Gotta love cleaning gutters.... Squirrel surprise

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102533 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:12

Or u could just get lead guard an save urself the hassle and time? Lol

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102540 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:14

Leaf*

Reply

Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102581 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:26

That is true...

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

By gracehi | 31

#5102435 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:46

Shame. What a waste of a tasty squirrel.