Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of... - FML

By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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Compassion

Assumptions

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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By Hunterxx - 7/8/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

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By Asirual - 2/5/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

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By Sl3vin - 19/1/2010 14:17 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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By waitthatsnotme - 15/8/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

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By Motionless - 26/5/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By maturity - 8/4/2013 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

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By Vahootie - 3/3/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

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By Bonding_boys - 17/12/2012 16:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Anon - 27/7/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By The Joker? - 31/7/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By betamaxjim - 19/11/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, as I left class, I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted, "Let go!" I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

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By alex327 - 29/10/2015 03:32 - United States - Dayton

Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2014 15:54 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By tay - 10/4/2012 11:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

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By "cowboy_gold " - 25/1/2020 05:00

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By cheated - 23/11/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

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By LizGo - 17/11/2013 06:00 - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

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By BookBabe - 25/3/2012 15:34 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 17:28 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mom heard on TV that teens need at least ten hours of sleep a day. Now she makes me go to bed at 7pm. I told her I can't finish my homework in time, and my grades will suffer. She wouldn't listen. Last week, she threatened to punish me if I don't get straight As this semester. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 22:00

Today, the speaker I ordered from the distant country of America arrived. This is after it was held up by local customs, who demanded I pay no small amount for the import duty. Upon unboxing, I found out it was actually made in my own country. FML

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By apparentlyunsexy - 27/10/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2014 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at work at the airport. I got called up to a plane's cargo hold, and thought I'd finally learn how to use the loader. Turns out they just needed me to weigh something down, effectively making me ballast. Then my boss told me to get the hell off, after which I hit my head hard climbing out. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By doesnttastegood - 1/2/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By chrono19 - 4/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By brerj09 - 28/4/2014 13:35 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - 25/7/2018 19:00

Today, the bad haircut I received recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look comparable to He-Man. FML

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By get a grip, son - 30/5/2014 20:37 - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:58 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

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By ouch - 29/5/2016 23:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By cyantist - 23/1/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2012 15:31 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I saw a dog trying to attack a man. I have experience working with aggressive dogs, so I pulled the dog off him and got it under control. The man punched me in the face for not having my dog on a leash. It wasn't my dog. I don't even own a dog. FML

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By Farterella - 2/11/2016 20:30

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

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By BrianTheLion89 - 6/6/2012 21:37 - United States

Great story, tell it again!

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2018 15:00

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 08:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By hey-o - 23/2/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By F- Forever - 3/10/2017 16:00

Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML

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Top comments

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

Comments

By CrewBoy | 10

#5102361 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

Looks Like you just found Dinner!!!!

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5102461 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Typical day in the life of a Midwestern ... NBD

Reply

xKites | 4

#5102570 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:24

OP is from California.

Reply

bugmenotmofo | 34

#5102637 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:47

28- California is in the Mid-West.

Reply

olpally | 32

#5102696 - Thursday 1 November 2012 0:11

My faith in humanity went down -200 reading this thread of stupidity... Thanks penguinbitch... I almost lost my mind...

Reply

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5104375 - Thursday 1 November 2012 14:35

Lol I know..??? I was saying that in the Midwest ppl experience that all the time. Jeesh ppl why r u hatin so much?

By CantusVulpis | 12

#5102365 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:19

I wonder how it managed to die in there....?

Reply

CrewBoy | 10

#5102382 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

Cancer

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5102441 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:48

I think that must be the only time the word, "cancer" has made me laugh.

Reply

kakarot2 | 11

#5102517 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:05

She went nuts?

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5102535 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:13

Maybe it ate a poisonous nut.

Reply

imavelociraptor | 6

#5106597 - Friday 2 November 2012 2:41

We know one thing...
Its
Not
Lupus

By feldco1 | 17

#5102373 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:31

Aw poor squirrel! Same thing happened to me with like 3 birds though.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5102395 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:39

You died in a pile of leaves with three birds? Sound awful.

Reply

MormonPornstar | 7

#5104569 - Thursday 1 November 2012 15:38

#dead

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#5102385 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:35

I'd fall off the roof/ladder when i picked the squirrel up.

Reply

CrazyManNo9 | 29

#5105428 - Thursday 1 November 2012 19:31

Certainly! LOL I hadn't thought of that until I saw your post but you would find me dead in a pile of leaves on the ground some time later...

By Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#5102392 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:38

Seeing something like that would drive me nutty.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5102466 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:52

You're dead right it would, I think I'd leaf gutter-cleaning to the professionals after a shingle instance of that, maybe give them roofies so they won't remember the day after.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5102618 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:40

I would've went with 'nuts'.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#5102894 - Thursday 1 November 2012 1:04

That's what I meant to say. Couldn't edit in time :(

By astralvagan | 20

#5102406 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:42

Yummy! Dinner!!! But on a serious note, that sucks OP. I imagine that smell will stay with you for a while..... Burn incense, that will help get rid of the smell

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#5102458 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:51

Incense not necessary. Just sniff coffee grounds.

By loserboii | 11

#5102410 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Use that dead squirrel for Halloween decorations. That'll really scare the kids!

Reply

jetsown08 | 21

#5103041 - Thursday 1 November 2012 2:10

It'll make sure those damn annoying fat kids don't come up to your door asking for candy, that's for sure.

By Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102412 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

Gotta love cleaning gutters.... Squirrel surprise

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102533 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:12

Or u could just get lead guard an save urself the hassle and time? Lol

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5102540 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:14

Leaf*

Reply

Chaylbs_Draco | 8

#5102581 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 23:26

That is true...

By DocBastard | 38

#5102417 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:43

At least you didn't find it after you started burning the pile of leaves. The only smell worse than rotting squirrel is burning rotten squirrel.

By gracehi | 31

#5102435 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 22:46

Shame. What a waste of a tasty squirrel.