Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the...

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

KoBabe

Breaking Badly

By WesJaz - 8/1/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By greatdriver...4 - 31/8/2011 11:07 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

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By spitball101 - 12/1/2014 05:26 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By SnapeIsGood - 8/11/2016 09:44 - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By SwingingGallows - 15/7/2016 15:43

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

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By Anon - 30/3/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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By Dude - 21/1/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

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By creepycrawley247 - 1/5/2013 02:50 - United States - Ellington

Today, after being nearly homeless and couch-hopping for the last few months, I finally signed a 1-year lease. When I got home, I was surprised to see a picture of my new complex on the front page of the newspaper. It turns out that they are fighting a serious bedbug infestation. FML

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By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By queenmeme - 8/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

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By twelvie - 23/3/2015 14:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

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By gdog10122 - 12/1/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

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By bm - 11/2/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 04:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after assuring my best friend that his girlfriend would never cheat on him, I came home to my brother having loud sex with my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By Bugga2018 - 22/5/2016 23:52 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 22:02 - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

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By d4rkxf0x - 22/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

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By unhappyelf - 14/11/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By UghNo - 14/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By matou - 9/7/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Fluffyman - 10/8/2019 04:00

Today, I realized that I haven’t lost weight. All my clothes have just stretched to fit. FML

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By tickdog - 19/3/2012 03:09 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I got my dog back from my aunt. Rather than taking him to an actual groomer, I gave him to my aunt because she needed a few extra bucks. My generosity lost me $35, and gave my dog ticks and a bad haircut. FML

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By brittholzworth - 27/6/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 02:02

Morbid cringe

Today, I realized just how pathetic my life is when I found myself fascinated by videos that a woman posts on YouTube of her removing ingrown hairs and zits from people’s private areas. FML

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By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 20:00

Mommy's bravest little boy

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

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By irishbabycakes - 25/1/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

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By ballnchain - 30/3/2010 16:04 - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

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By speedstick - 7/9/2010 15:36 - United States

Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, one my friends died. All my crying gave me a headache, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me some aspirin. My headache didn't go away. Instead, I got diarrhea because my boyfriend gave me laxatives instead of aspirin as a "joke" to cheer me up. FML

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By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 20:07 - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

YDI for using your phone over a vat of boiling hot water, and not thinking for that split second as to whether or not you should reach in and get it.
People shouldn't be allowed to multitask when it comes to texting.

COMMENTS

By CleverOne | 0

#667541 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:09

D'awwwwwww

fyl12345678901 | 0

#983807 - Thursday 22 April 2010 23:23

ur an idiot

tworkman | 2

#2202528 - Saturday 19 March 2011 3:48

The OP shouldn't have been texting while making dinner at all. What an idiot.

im2cool2fml | 0

#2213403 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:56

why do you need a cell phone? kitchens have phone and you shouldn't be leaving the kitchen

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#667584 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

No no no. She should pretend she is playing bobbing for apples, and the phone is the apple.

Zer0_Zer0 | 0

#668121 - Thursday 12 November 2009 19:07

She gets the phone, i get the noodles?

deafeningsilence | 8

#1066250 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 4:48

I lol'ed after reading #7

Rizzen | 27

#5811089 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 5:23

#63 there is a button for that

By Cristaderzi | 0

#667554 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:16

You cant detach from your pacifier long enough to fill a basic need such as eat then YEAH/YES you deserve it!!!

By kayceesaysfyl | 0

#667557 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:18

hahah omg thats completely understandble....sorta

harmony88 | 0

#668186 - Thursday 12 November 2009 20:08

It's a knee jerk reaction that a lot of people would have..... unfortunately, it's the wrong reaction.....

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6005427 - Saturday 12 July 2014 1:39

tongs bitch

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#667572 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:27

Are you by chance the mother of miss Bees Make Me Drive and Act Like a Fucktard?

msdxv3 | 0

#668008 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:39

I think the comment from the Bee FML might be a descendent from this family tree squirrel HAHA

By nom_nom_nom | 0

#667585 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

#3.... what? That made no sense. Lol

sarahbau | 0

#667605 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:04

Yes it did. It's a metaphor.

By portlandrima | 0

#667597 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:53

don't worry man, learn to masturbate with the other hand. you can do it cause one of my hands is the CLAW

OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#669083 - Friday 13 November 2009 5:10

The Craw?
lmfao

By emilysanftwsom | 0

#667599 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:54

YDI, simply YDI.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#667606 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:05

Uhh. Using a phone. While cooking?
Hun, I think you might need a support group or something. Text Addicts Anonymous?. :]