Miscellaneous: Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11902

You deserved it

38946

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Yappy neighborhood

Whatthefuckaburger

Can they do that?

By Anonymous

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2633

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46262

You deserved it

3046

Favorite

By smokeysarah94 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33312

You deserved it

3308

Favorite

By devil neighbours - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3731

You deserved it

313

Favorite

By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53894

You deserved it

4878

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46885

You deserved it

5915

Favorite

By sevenshotmovie - United States - Sheffield

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3028

You deserved it

497

Favorite

By fml boy

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2188

You deserved it

318

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

The movie of my life

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

785

You deserved it

Favorite

By fedemere - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37829

You deserved it

4644

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21797

You deserved it

4615

Favorite

By Ugh

Today, I had my last assessment for my university degree in the form of an interview at 11am. Without doing this interview, I can't graduate. The interviewer was a no show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4295

You deserved it

194

Favorite

By anna - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47279

You deserved it

9702

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32330

You deserved it

3966

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14555

You deserved it

1103

Favorite

By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3014

You deserved it

6676

Favorite

By noexceptions - United States

Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54438

You deserved it

3425

Favorite

By Michelle - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

69629

You deserved it

17422

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9277

You deserved it

30155

Favorite

By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2715

You deserved it

Favorite

By hopeless - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12987

You deserved it

74227

Favorite

By I Feel Horrible - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58852

You deserved it

9393

Favorite

By kingmetal42 - France

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14948

You deserved it

27782

Favorite

By babysheets - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25320

You deserved it

4337

Favorite

By wtf - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52892

You deserved it

4960

Favorite

By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31043

You deserved it

5735

Favorite

By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1654

You deserved it

Favorite

By dany - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29769

You deserved it

2146

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13654

You deserved it

67781

Favorite

By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57345

You deserved it

5110

Favorite

By wtf - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41731

You deserved it

3855

Favorite

By Eringobrag88 - United States

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33177

You deserved it

3990

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32152

You deserved it

3235

Favorite

By Dogmom

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2165

You deserved it

253

Favorite

By Anonymous

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13585

You deserved it

1004

Favorite

By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28731

You deserved it

4375

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27054

You deserved it

2591

Favorite

By jamblasticus - United States

Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56880

You deserved it

6152

Favorite

By althornton2462 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23385

You deserved it

4203

Favorite

By WaitingByThePhone - United States

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45797

You deserved it

11410

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

YDI for using your phone over a vat of boiling hot water, and not thinking for that split second as to whether or not you should reach in and get it.
People shouldn't be allowed to multitask when it comes to texting.

COMMENTS

By CleverOne | 0

#667541 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:09

D'awwwwwww

fyl12345678901 | 0

#983807 - Thursday 22 April 2010 23:23

ur an idiot

tworkman | 2

#2202528 - Saturday 19 March 2011 3:48

The OP shouldn't have been texting while making dinner at all. What an idiot.

im2cool2fml | 0

#2213403 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:56

why do you need a cell phone? kitchens have phone and you shouldn't be leaving the kitchen

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#667584 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

No no no. She should pretend she is playing bobbing for apples, and the phone is the apple.

Zer0_Zer0 | 0

#668121 - Thursday 12 November 2009 19:07

She gets the phone, i get the noodles?

deafeningsilence | 8

#1066250 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 4:48

I lol'ed after reading #7

Rizzen | 27

#5811089 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 5:23

#63 there is a button for that

By Cristaderzi | 0

#667554 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:16

You cant detach from your pacifier long enough to fill a basic need such as eat then YEAH/YES you deserve it!!!

By kayceesaysfyl | 0

#667557 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:18

hahah omg thats completely understandble....sorta

harmony88 | 0

#668186 - Thursday 12 November 2009 20:08

It's a knee jerk reaction that a lot of people would have..... unfortunately, it's the wrong reaction.....

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6005427 - Saturday 12 July 2014 1:39

tongs bitch

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#667572 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:27

Are you by chance the mother of miss Bees Make Me Drive and Act Like a Fucktard?

msdxv3 | 0

#668008 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:39

I think the comment from the Bee FML might be a descendent from this family tree squirrel HAHA

By nom_nom_nom | 0

#667585 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

#3.... what? That made no sense. Lol

sarahbau | 0

#667605 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:04

Yes it did. It's a metaphor.

By portlandrima | 0

#667597 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:53

don't worry man, learn to masturbate with the other hand. you can do it cause one of my hands is the CLAW

OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#669083 - Friday 13 November 2009 5:10

The Craw?
lmfao

By emilysanftwsom | 0

#667599 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:54

YDI, simply YDI.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#667606 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:05

Uhh. Using a phone. While cooking?
Hun, I think you might need a support group or something. Text Addicts Anonymous?. :]