Miscellaneous: Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Commando

Jesus saves!

By happyasaclam - United States

Moving

Today, my boyfriend and I were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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1086

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By Daniel - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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34582

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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26156

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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29617

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4353

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By Babs - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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42210

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By bubblegummm13 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

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By Nemesis2747 - United States

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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By soccer8goalie - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

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44689

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By ashamed - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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37030

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By Anonymous

This is going well

Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML

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1808

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

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48817

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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39799

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By Nathalie - 30/11/2020 23:04

Mystery woman

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend at his job. When I saw he wasn't there, I asked a co-worker, who told me his "sister" came by earlier. He's an only child. FML

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By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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148952

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By Anonymous

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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1590

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By WhyBother - 21/2/2021 05:02

Starfish

Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

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940

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By broken - United States - Arcata

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

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13974

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By noname - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

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45218

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By drunkboysgf - Canada

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

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31527

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By isystuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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32245

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By FrozenAnonymus - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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11791

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By coffee girl - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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33249

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2021 22:01

Cura te ipsum

Today, my mom sent me a text message, asking me why I blocked her on Facebook. I didn't. She blocked me, after drinking a bottle of wine. After having a conversation telling me that I need to go to AA and detox. I didn't have anything to drink, and have been limiting alcohol. FML

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801

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By Anonymous - Nepal

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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12536

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By soprahb - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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23340

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

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By Look's like she's paying all of it now.

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

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3744

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By sucker - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

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650

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

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18682

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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36907

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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39293

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 16:59

No one is that good in bed, surely

Today, my ex-boyfriend is still stalking me after several years. I asked him why he doesn't just move on and let me be. He replied that I drove him crazy one time when we were intimate. FML

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979

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108

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By notinthebutt - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

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15296

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

YDI for using your phone over a vat of boiling hot water, and not thinking for that split second as to whether or not you should reach in and get it.
People shouldn't be allowed to multitask when it comes to texting.

COMMENTS

By CleverOne | 0

#667541 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:09

D'awwwwwww

fyl12345678901 | 0

#983807 - Thursday 22 April 2010 23:23

ur an idiot

tworkman | 2

#2202528 - Saturday 19 March 2011 3:48

The OP shouldn't have been texting while making dinner at all. What an idiot.

im2cool2fml | 0

#2213403 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:56

why do you need a cell phone? kitchens have phone and you shouldn't be leaving the kitchen

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#667584 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

No no no. She should pretend she is playing bobbing for apples, and the phone is the apple.

Zer0_Zer0 | 0

#668121 - Thursday 12 November 2009 19:07

She gets the phone, i get the noodles?

deafeningsilence | 8

#1066250 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 4:48

I lol'ed after reading #7

Rizzen | 27

#5811089 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 5:23

#63 there is a button for that

By Cristaderzi | 0

#667554 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:16

You cant detach from your pacifier long enough to fill a basic need such as eat then YEAH/YES you deserve it!!!

By kayceesaysfyl | 0

#667557 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:18

hahah omg thats completely understandble....sorta

harmony88 | 0

#668186 - Thursday 12 November 2009 20:08

It's a knee jerk reaction that a lot of people would have..... unfortunately, it's the wrong reaction.....

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6005427 - Saturday 12 July 2014 1:39

tongs bitch

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#667572 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:27

Are you by chance the mother of miss Bees Make Me Drive and Act Like a Fucktard?

msdxv3 | 0

#668008 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:39

I think the comment from the Bee FML might be a descendent from this family tree squirrel HAHA

By nom_nom_nom | 0

#667585 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

#3.... what? That made no sense. Lol

sarahbau | 0

#667605 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:04

Yes it did. It's a metaphor.

By portlandrima | 0

#667597 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:53

don't worry man, learn to masturbate with the other hand. you can do it cause one of my hands is the CLAW

OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#669083 - Friday 13 November 2009 5:10

The Craw?
lmfao

By emilysanftwsom | 0

#667599 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:54

YDI, simply YDI.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#667606 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:05

Uhh. Using a phone. While cooking?
Hun, I think you might need a support group or something. Text Addicts Anonymous?. :]