Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the...

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Great boyfriend

A beautiful truck decoration

By topfisherman - 5/2/2010 20:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

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By distressed - 5/11/2010 23:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By Marlon - 11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By Charlotte - 25/1/2011 14:10

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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By PickedOnByDamien - 2/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2012 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 16:28 - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

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By Emily Salt - 15/2/2011 08:34

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 19:20 - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 16:03 - United States - New York

Today, I finally got to meet the new Director of my department. She was my intern eight years ago, the one I declined to recommend for a full time position due to interpersonal conflicts. She knows. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By flipflop - 7/6/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

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By babybambi - 29/12/2018 02:00

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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By college will be fun they said - 15/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

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By Sod's Law in action - 17/3/2018 01:30

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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By anonymous - 2/10/2016 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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By LoveTheElder - 11/5/2016 01:38 - United States - San Clemente

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

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By heatproblems - 19/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By uglynerd - 26/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Streamwood

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

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By stay in there - 17/4/2020 23:00

Dumbasses

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

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By dole_out_the_fml - 20/5/2009 17:36 - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/4/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By pzy - 24/10/2016 15:46

Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML

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By dogpatch087 - 2/1/2020 03:00 - United States - Ventura

Shout the victory

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

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By tinygirl - 7/3/2011 06:16

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

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By gymgirl - 5/5/2011 13:47 - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By dani911 - 15/7/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I noticed a car following me all the way to my house. It was dark so I got really nervous and called the police. The person got out of the car. It was my mom. FML

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By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 23:05

What a charmer

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

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By musicgod123 - 29/12/2010 16:56 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By embarrassed - 3/7/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By artsmart1 - 6/3/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By xxx - 3/10/2015 13:38 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By Eyalsh - 30/1/2015 04:53 - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By benji - 1/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

YDI for using your phone over a vat of boiling hot water, and not thinking for that split second as to whether or not you should reach in and get it.
People shouldn't be allowed to multitask when it comes to texting.

Comments

By CleverOne | 0

#667541 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:09

D'awwwwwww

fyl12345678901 | 0

#983807 - Thursday 22 April 2010 23:23

ur an idiot

tworkman | 2

#2202528 - Saturday 19 March 2011 3:48

The OP shouldn't have been texting while making dinner at all. What an idiot.

im2cool2fml | 0

#2213403 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:56

why do you need a cell phone? kitchens have phone and you shouldn't be leaving the kitchen

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667549 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:13

So use your other hand.

nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#667584 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

No no no. She should pretend she is playing bobbing for apples, and the phone is the apple.

Zer0_Zer0 | 0

#668121 - Thursday 12 November 2009 19:07

She gets the phone, i get the noodles?

deafeningsilence | 8

#1066250 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 4:48

I lol'ed after reading #7

Rizzen | 27

#5811089 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 5:23

#63 there is a button for that

By Cristaderzi | 0

#667554 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:16

You cant detach from your pacifier long enough to fill a basic need such as eat then YEAH/YES you deserve it!!!

By kayceesaysfyl | 0

#667557 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:18

hahah omg thats completely understandble....sorta

harmony88 | 0

#668186 - Thursday 12 November 2009 20:08

It's a knee jerk reaction that a lot of people would have..... unfortunately, it's the wrong reaction.....

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#667559 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:19

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6005427 - Saturday 12 July 2014 1:39

tongs bitch

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#667572 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:27

Are you by chance the mother of miss Bees Make Me Drive and Act Like a Fucktard?

msdxv3 | 0

#668008 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:39

I think the comment from the Bee FML might be a descendent from this family tree squirrel HAHA

By nom_nom_nom | 0

#667585 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:40

#3.... what? That made no sense. Lol

sarahbau | 0

#667605 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:04

Yes it did. It's a metaphor.

By portlandrima | 0

#667597 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:53

don't worry man, learn to masturbate with the other hand. you can do it cause one of my hands is the CLAW

OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#669083 - Friday 13 November 2009 5:10

The Craw?
lmfao

By emilysanftwsom | 0

#667599 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:54

YDI, simply YDI.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#667606 - Thursday 12 November 2009 10:05

Uhh. Using a phone. While cooking?
Hun, I think you might need a support group or something. Text Addicts Anonymous?. :]