Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my building installed a fingerprint scanner for the front door. Feeling futuristic, I pressed my thumb to unlock it while carrying groceries. The scanner rejected me five times in a row because I’d cut my thumb slicing bagels earlier that day. A neighbor watched me fail repeatedly before asking, “Do you actually live here?” FML
Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML
Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML
Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML
Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex-boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML
Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML
Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML
Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML
Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML
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Top comments
scott1494 0
haaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!! Talk about being a tool!!!!!
Tucatz 0
Could be worse- at the grocery store you might be a $0.69 can of green beans. And at the drugstore you could be Preparation H. In fact, that should be your new goal- to go around and find out what you are at various stores.
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Comments (407)
were_giraffe 2
please tell me the tattoo is on your forehead >:)
Mnemo_fml 0
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... That's too funny. FYL.
sherri 0
Could be worse...Could have gone for one of those Chinese Symbols and come out with "Moo Shoo Pork" like on the Seinfeld episode.........
balanceMMX 0
awesome! *if I had a hammer...* -peter paul and mary
Omsok 0
Brilliant. Very funny, whether factual or not. Owned by ink! P.S. I like the barcode tattoos.
IMz0r 0
That's cool. Pretty low odds of that too. And hell, there are worse things to happen. Might've scanned yourself at a sex toy shop and found you were a giant pussy.
McD8772 0
lmao, you tool!
mattmag 0
this is awesome and it actually made me lol.
latuka 0
dude i duno if anyone has said it yet, but that is a good ******* idea for a tattoo! can you choose what the barcode will scan as... that would be tite as **** maaan... hmm something to think about for myself.. where was the tattoo by the way?
_Chocoholic_ 0
lol... that's funny, I'd never have believed that could actually work!