Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my building installed a fingerprint scanner for the front door. Feeling futuristic, I pressed my thumb to unlock it while carrying groceries. The scanner rejected me five times in a row because I’d cut my thumb slicing bagels earlier that day. A neighbor watched me fail repeatedly before asking, “Do you actually live here?” FML
Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML
Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML
Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML
Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex-boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML
Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML
Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML
Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML
Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML
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Top comments
scott1494 0
haaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!! Talk about being a tool!!!!!
Tucatz 0
Could be worse- at the grocery store you might be a $0.69 can of green beans. And at the drugstore you could be Preparation H. In fact, that should be your new goal- to go around and find out what you are at various stores.
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Comments (407)
b00mc1ap 0
at #164 by greenearth technically a bar code is made out of magnetized material which allows the scanning So this is fake...
philadelphianus 0
HAHAHA I REALLY LAUGHED OUT LOUD
diana491141 0
Hahahahahaha that's awesome! This made my day, even though I know it's crap. #152, You don't know what you're talking about. Chanel is soooo much trashier. All the classy old money people wear Burberry and the trashy, fake-looking guidettes wear Chanel #116, That was retarded, but I laughed w. you as well as at you.
jessica_rabbit_fml 0
Well at least a 'claw hammer' sounds badass...
heatherjay 0
what a stupid tattoo. you're an idiot.
CoCoBun87 0
....tool :)
theghostofher 0
#3, you're amazing also this is so not an FML. I think it's genius.
adam2 0
That's your knew nickname...clawhammer
cheer_me_up 0
#111, Um no actually he isnt a fat ass at all you douche bag! That is unless 175 and having a washboard stomach is considered a fat ass. That was just plain rude! It doesnt scan because its ******* SKIN! What a moron!!!
keysc08 0
a) bar code tats are stupid. b) i'm going to have to call bs on this one as i myself worked at hd for 4 years through college. i would often type in random 6 digit sku numbers when i too was bored to see what would come up. only about 1 in 20 skus that i made up would actually work. fyl