Kids: Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment.... - FML

By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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Great question

Deep-seated resentment

Basic Instinct

By nana. - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By Nightshade823 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

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By iTried - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By FATS DOMINO - United States

Today, my sister finally broke down and told me that our dad gambled away of all my college savings, and I would have to pay for school the best way I can. They have known for months, and when I asked why nobody told me, the reply was, "You're a college boy, we thought you would figure it out." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By Dipping Tired - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Somerton

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

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By Taco Hell - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By justmyluck25 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By yolonono - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML

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By lonely dreams - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By givemestrength - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss expects me to conduct a meeting with a client, give him all the info he needs, and manage his campaign. This is because he fired the "expensive" marketing director and wants me, the intern, to continue his work. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML

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By Theslacker... - United States - Coplay

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 02:00

It found you

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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By T.C - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

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By Itchy

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

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By Anonymous

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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By Mr. E

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By Kidsthesedays - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

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By ddhaley1 - United States - Edmond

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

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By jonnie - 7/5/2020 02:00

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By Single4Life - United States

Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I've liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He's just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he's called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By Graverobber

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

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By kenz - 17/12/2020 20:01

He's fine

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to come over for a backyard wiener roast. Because it was so hot outside, he told me he didn't want to. Eventually, I talked him into it telling him it would be fine. He's now still asleep on the couch with heat stroke. FML

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By sexyyy - Belgium

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

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Top comments

By effyourlife_ | 0

#157594 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

just because she has a speech impediment and is 4 doesn't mean she's dumb
stop thinking so highly of yourself, ya dick.

By bigmack95 | 0

#157579 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

thats ur fault u shouldnt speak like a moron

COMMENTS

By bigmack95 | 0

#157579 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

thats ur fault u shouldnt speak like a moron

Reply

aayers7 | 4

#991100 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 4:19

and you shouldn't act like a dipshit just to make her feel better unless u want to be corrected more

Reply

largsexy | 1

#3260941 - Friday 9 September 2011 6:34

Hay you dont got Tu be a d#Sh bag about it bro

Reply

sacrosanct2 | 23

#5059770 - Friday 19 October 2012 21:24

Uhh..

By geesquared | 0

#157580 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

wow. you're an idiot.

By hahaha6 | 0

#157581 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:05

WELL????? She's right!

By kgb121 | 0

#157584 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:05

speaking incorrectly to children doesn't help them learn...

Reply

littlemissxx | 0

#1035584 - Saturday 19 June 2010 4:25

exactly! i wonder how many other children she babysat that now use horrible grammar thanks to her.

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6175180 - Saturday 17 January 2015 7:39

Im mad at this comment... All she said was "do you got your bag?" Does it matter?

By manoverboard | 0

#157593 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

ROTFL. I was a grammar freak at an early age, too.
;D
I bet she wears her big girl underwear now.

Reply

Bizenghastly | 0

#3110680 - Monday 15 August 2011 7:08

grammar Nazis: the early years ^_^

By effyourlife_ | 0

#157594 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

just because she has a speech impediment and is 4 doesn't mean she's dumb
stop thinking so highly of yourself, ya dick.

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#2149908 - Friday 4 March 2011 18:49

i was just gonna say that. just because she has a speech impediment doesn't mean she doesn't know the proper way to speak. I'm sure her parents speak to her correctly. If she had a lisp, would you talk with a lisp as well??

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4091818 - Sunday 26 February 2012 16:03

I've had a speech impediment since I was little and I have made the honor roll ever since they started giving letter grades YDI fir being an idiot

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5799324 - Friday 20 December 2013 20:17

I have a speech impediment and I can speak properly

Reply

MissSarcasm01 | 18

#5990048 - Friday 27 June 2014 17:03

Yeah, I have a lisp and all so I had to go to speech and I talk better than most of my teachers!!

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#157595 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

you talk like a caveman, you're a complete idiot.

By Xuadia | 0

#157605 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:07

Still, got your bag? Sorry, I'm a complete grammar nazi. And she IS right.

By PureGold | 0

#157614 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:08

Why would anyone say "Do you got your bag?" if they know better?

And I kinda agree with #5.

By ghembob | 2

#157626 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:10

First of all, speech impediment does not mean stupid. And the four year old is obviously a hell of a lot smarter than you.

Speak proper English, you fucking moron. Honours program? LOL yeah, I believe that. If you were in the honours program, you wouldn't speak like a fucking hick.