Kids: Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment.... - FML

By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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Late term

The smell detective is on the case

PMS PSA

By Jim - 25/12/2020 02:01

Life choices

Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

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By Leyla - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

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By Bad friend - 19/12/2020 02:04 - United States

Entitled

Today, after I'd mailed my friend her Christmas gifts since we can’t see each other, she called me ranting because the gift I sent her dog only cost $5. According to her, that means I must not really care as her dog is her “baby”. I bought gifts for all 5 of her kids. FML

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By LetsMakeLove - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Bunged up

Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Nastiaa - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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By Shooter71 - France

Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML

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By IkeTheIntern - Canada

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

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By quietdown - United States

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By anon - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By pizzalady

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

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By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By burb - Germany - Berlin

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

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By Charlotte

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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By ferrarismyname - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

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By 530gangsta

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

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By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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By seeminglyunsexy - United States

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

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By Flandre

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Grrrrr - United States

Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:02

That caffeine rush

Today, whilst getting ready, I decided to have a strong coffee. Followed by the runs. My hook up arrives in half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

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By Anna - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

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By Goki - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By i2xl - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

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By Deidle-dee - United States

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML

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By toughbf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By Rynne S. - United States

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

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By brokenrainbow. - United Kingdom

Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML

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Top comments

By effyourlife_ | 0

#157594 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

just because she has a speech impediment and is 4 doesn't mean she's dumb
stop thinking so highly of yourself, ya dick.

By bigmack95 | 0

#157579 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

thats ur fault u shouldnt speak like a moron

COMMENTS

By bigmack95 | 0

#157579 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

thats ur fault u shouldnt speak like a moron

Reply

aayers7 | 4

#991100 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 4:19

and you shouldn't act like a dipshit just to make her feel better unless u want to be corrected more

Reply

largsexy | 1

#3260941 - Friday 9 September 2011 6:34

Hay you dont got Tu be a d#Sh bag about it bro

Reply

sacrosanct2 | 23

#5059770 - Friday 19 October 2012 21:24

Uhh..

By geesquared | 0

#157580 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:04

wow. you're an idiot.

By hahaha6 | 0

#157581 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:05

WELL????? She's right!

By kgb121 | 0

#157584 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:05

speaking incorrectly to children doesn't help them learn...

Reply

littlemissxx | 0

#1035584 - Saturday 19 June 2010 4:25

exactly! i wonder how many other children she babysat that now use horrible grammar thanks to her.

Reply

dragonvale19 | 12

#6175180 - Saturday 17 January 2015 7:39

Im mad at this comment... All she said was "do you got your bag?" Does it matter?

By manoverboard | 0

#157593 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

ROTFL. I was a grammar freak at an early age, too.
;D
I bet she wears her big girl underwear now.

Reply

Bizenghastly | 0

#3110680 - Monday 15 August 2011 7:08

grammar Nazis: the early years ^_^

By effyourlife_ | 0

#157594 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

just because she has a speech impediment and is 4 doesn't mean she's dumb
stop thinking so highly of yourself, ya dick.

Reply

blinkingstarlet | 15

#2149908 - Friday 4 March 2011 18:49

i was just gonna say that. just because she has a speech impediment doesn't mean she doesn't know the proper way to speak. I'm sure her parents speak to her correctly. If she had a lisp, would you talk with a lisp as well??

Reply

bunniex1 | 11

#4091818 - Sunday 26 February 2012 16:03

I've had a speech impediment since I was little and I have made the honor roll ever since they started giving letter grades YDI fir being an idiot

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5799324 - Friday 20 December 2013 20:17

I have a speech impediment and I can speak properly

Reply

MissSarcasm01 | 18

#5990048 - Friday 27 June 2014 17:03

Yeah, I have a lisp and all so I had to go to speech and I talk better than most of my teachers!!

By lovetoday_fml | 0

#157595 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:06

you talk like a caveman, you're a complete idiot.

By Xuadia | 0

#157605 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:07

Still, got your bag? Sorry, I'm a complete grammar nazi. And she IS right.

By PureGold | 0

#157614 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:08

Why would anyone say "Do you got your bag?" if they know better?

And I kinda agree with #5.

By ghembob | 2

#157626 - Thursday 30 April 2009 23:10

First of all, speech impediment does not mean stupid. And the four year old is obviously a hell of a lot smarter than you.

Speak proper English, you fucking moron. Honours program? LOL yeah, I believe that. If you were in the honours program, you wouldn't speak like a fucking hick.