Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like... - FML

By Jamie - 20/9/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Goodbye Bill

Weird kid

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By Bad Mother - 8/10/2015 11:53 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 20:00

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

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By littlemisstiny - 29/8/2009 08:48 - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

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By ahhhhhh - 12/2/2015 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I made my mom breakfast in bed for her birthday. She was naked when I went to give it to her. FML

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By CaBur - 19/2/2013 22:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

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By Noname - 21/2/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

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By badcomparison - 18/12/2016 07:02 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML

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By sad-boing - 2/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By - 29/4/2019 14:00

Today, after the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office and since he became buddy buddy with management, they believed him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 14:00

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By davy0540 - 30/11/2014 06:09 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2016 18:24 - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By rahhhnnnn - 25/4/2020 02:00

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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By Miki - 16/12/2012 23:57 - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By emily - 15/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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By hardgraderorhardass - 24/2/2016 04:46 - United States - Bridgewater

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By Clumsyblonde22 - 4/6/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By ihateseagulls - 7/4/2011 23:28 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By fmyboss - 13/10/2019 07:00

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By scruffy - 10/5/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By goner - 1/5/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Mike - 21/2/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 18:02 - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

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By WHY - 1/4/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By breathalizard - 2/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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Top comments

By dawood_k | 27

#5681497 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

Shame on you, you should always lift the eyepatch and make sure before doubting someone

By CharresBarkrey | 15

#5681535 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:40

To get free donuts... We've been over this

COMMENTS

By jasdanu | 12

#5681493 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:51

Well at least you know it's legit

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5681524 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:22

Really what was your first hint?

Reply

Gingerette | 8

#5682485 - Saturday 21 September 2013 1:59

DISCRIMINATION!!!

By Zambowi | 15

#5681496 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

OR maybe it wasn't real... And he was trying to make you feel bad after your comment

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5681525 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:24

Why would someone lie about having to where an eye patch?

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5681535 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:40

To get free donuts... We've been over this

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5681578 - Friday 20 September 2013 10:57

Or maybe it was real…cause they have a purpose too.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5682606 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:35

I'm just happy to hear Krispy Kreme still exists because they've all closed around here

By dawood_k | 27

#5681497 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

Shame on you, you should always lift the eyepatch and make sure before doubting someone

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5681554 - Friday 20 September 2013 10:04

and just to be sure its not make up, poke it a couple times.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5681600 - Friday 20 September 2013 12:04

Also, you have to call "black jack no sue back" before him or he can sue you. Sorry, OP, but it's the law, and a second grader taught it to me so you know it's the truth.

Reply

#5681878 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:07

I hope he got the free dozen doughnuts. If anyone deserves them he does, he's more of a real life pirate than anyone in a costume.

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5682887 - Saturday 21 September 2013 6:39

Me Sassypants. Had to laugh when I read this. Another thing wrong with America people judge without knowing.

By luckytaim | 15

#5681498 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

It's not like you knew it was real, just forget about it and move on.

By maryaalhindi | 9

#5681499 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:53

Hahaha that's alright just laugh and make a joke about it!

Reply

thefella | 10

#5681667 - Friday 20 September 2013 12:56

I have a feeling if you made another joke about the eye patch things would not end well.

By crushedone | 7

#5681503 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:55

Captain Ahab is not pleased.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5681505 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:57

double that man free donuts

By kumarina | 35

#5681506 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:57

Honest mistake OP!

By TiroC | 25

#5681511 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:02

Hopefully he can see the fun in that! ;)

By lbrown66 | 12

#5681514 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:05

Well aren't you an arrrrrsehole then!

Reply

jerryj | 27

#5681533 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:36

Eye see what you did there.