Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like... - FML

By Jamie - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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There's no helping some people

TMI

Cloth ears

By laner

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

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By nononame - United States

Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Framingham

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

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By Single forever I guess

Today, after months of hurtful and derogatory remarks from matches, I had to add the line "Not trans, just ugly." to my Tinder bio. FML

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By Hapaboy808 - 8/7/2020 23:01

The final countdown

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

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By d0pey - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By Darryl - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By horn-y - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

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By potassiumgirl - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

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By ButImBeautiful - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

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By toosmall

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

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By Username

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By Never Again - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

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By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

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By Lovesucks - 2/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By Superdumb

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By verysadasian - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

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By duhasiangirl - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By SOdamnNervous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By oh great - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my brother let me fly his two day old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML

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By pinkjade - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

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By PissNTra - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By Erica - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By gassygirlfriend - United States - Nampa

Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

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By DMStarsky - United States

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By jack - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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By RainyDay - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By Snowzies - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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Top comments

By dawood_k | 27

#5681497 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

Shame on you, you should always lift the eyepatch and make sure before doubting someone

By CharresBarkrey | 15

#5681535 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:40

To get free donuts... We've been over this

COMMENTS

By jasdanu | 12

#5681493 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:51

Well at least you know it's legit

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5681524 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:22

Really what was your first hint?

Reply

Gingerette | 8

#5682485 - Saturday 21 September 2013 1:59

DISCRIMINATION!!!

By Zambowi | 15

#5681496 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

OR maybe it wasn't real... And he was trying to make you feel bad after your comment

Reply

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5681525 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:24

Why would someone lie about having to where an eye patch?

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5681535 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:40

To get free donuts... We've been over this

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5681578 - Friday 20 September 2013 10:57

Or maybe it was real…cause they have a purpose too.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5682606 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:35

I'm just happy to hear Krispy Kreme still exists because they've all closed around here

By dawood_k | 27

#5681497 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

Shame on you, you should always lift the eyepatch and make sure before doubting someone

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5681554 - Friday 20 September 2013 10:04

and just to be sure its not make up, poke it a couple times.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5681600 - Friday 20 September 2013 12:04

Also, you have to call "black jack no sue back" before him or he can sue you. Sorry, OP, but it's the law, and a second grader taught it to me so you know it's the truth.

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5681878 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:07

I hope he got the free dozen doughnuts. If anyone deserves them he does, he's more of a real life pirate than anyone in a costume.

Reply

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#5682887 - Saturday 21 September 2013 6:39

Me Sassypants. Had to laugh when I read this. Another thing wrong with America people judge without knowing.

By luckytaim | 15

#5681498 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:52

It's not like you knew it was real, just forget about it and move on.

By maryaalhindi | 9

#5681499 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:53

Hahaha that's alright just laugh and make a joke about it!

Reply

thefella | 10

#5681667 - Friday 20 September 2013 12:56

I have a feeling if you made another joke about the eye patch things would not end well.

By crushedone | 7

#5681503 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:55

Captain Ahab is not pleased.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5681505 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:57

double that man free donuts

By kumarina | 35

#5681506 - Friday 20 September 2013 8:57

Honest mistake OP!

By TiroC | 25

#5681511 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:02

Hopefully he can see the fun in that! ;)

By lbrown66 | 12

#5681514 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:05

Well aren't you an arrrrrsehole then!

Reply

jerryj | 27

#5681533 - Friday 20 September 2013 9:36

Eye see what you did there.