Miscellaneous: Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let...

By nicknick2 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

And today, on Dr Phil…

Grow up

By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By parentof5 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

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By smashleighfig - France

Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his "soulmate" walk away 9 years ago because of his "previous commitment" and how he regrets it every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

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30398

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By meggs2209 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By Samantha - Canada

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By Embarassed - United Kingdom

Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught the same bus home. He started telling me about my ex's "totally insane" ex-girlfriend. He refused to believe me when I told him he was talking about me. I had to sit there for half an hour as my personality was ripped to shreds. FML

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By Jaden Dubin - 31/7/2020 08:02

Animal Farm

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

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By snowbell18 - United States

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

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23850

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By Weekdae - 9/12/2020 09:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Grammar police alert

Today, I found another comment online referencing, "Smoke weed everyday." With all due respect for smoking weed, when will people learn that "every" and "day" need to be two separate words in that context? This is seriously making it hard for me to focus on my work. FML

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317

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By SowhatshouldIdo - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I handed in my resignation letter after over 3 and a half years working at the company. My manager is angry with me, since we returned from an overseas business trip yesterday and why didn't I inform her before the trip. She now wants me to pay all costs of trip before leaving the job. FML

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By kelsey - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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64917

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By nerd_man01 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

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By madafgf

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

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4588

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By Nico - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

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By Sick - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By eyepatch - United States - Albany

Today, while I was giving a school presentation about life as an injured, deformed soldier, someone asked if the reason I wear an eyepatch is because I'm a pirate. I wouldn't have minded, had I not been presenting to high-school students. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By Angry Mob - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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4547

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By Anonymous - Canada

Thanks, Mr Whiskers

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

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29753

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

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24685

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By PickYourselfUp - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By briscoe - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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30746

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

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By Anonymous

My stupidity

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one, when I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor, I had to wait in the girl's bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML.

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By Roode - United States

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

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37526

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By Oops - United States

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

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By vaylosa

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By BetterThanChocolate - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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Top comments

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2530468 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

I always claim my farts.

By SmelloJello | 9

#2530588 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:24

After your mom stopped chewing you out, u shoulda just farted in her face and giggled.

COMMENTS

By amrik | 11

#2530465 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

you should never fart in front of your mom ever

shelbygordon44 | 7

#2530517 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:15

take pride in your farts.

muhaidib | 2

#2530771 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:53

at least they weren't sulfuric and makes you want to vomit as if he ate hard boiled rotten eggs... it could be worst

ChickenInMyKitch | 4

#2530854 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:05

^reference win!!

imacreeper | 3

#2531077 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:33

that was me.

SunDropGirl | 0

#2531155 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:46

28 I thought only burps could smell sulferic? I mean I know farts can be really bad! but sulferic?

EatnBeef | 7

#2531783 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:45

farts are methane not sulfur. ( watch me get loads of thumbs down)

sterlingarcher | 1

#2532116 - Thursday 19 May 2011 6:11

hahaha omg I love walmart it's like THE store to do stupid stuff at :D

SuperAnthony | 7

#2537414 - Friday 20 May 2011 6:18

I just love how you described it...

"vicious."

goldneagle31 | 1

#2564385 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 23:31

They didn't say they "are sulfur," but egg farts have a tendency to smell like sulfur.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2530468 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

I always claim my farts.

iBanana | 17

#2531127 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:40

You name makes sense now.

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2531223 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:16

Eggnog doesn't give me gas. Taco Bell on the other hand is quite deadly.

Tayman24 | 0

#2531308 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:22

is it bad if this FML gave me a boner????!?

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2531356 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:58

No.

seanders | 10

#2531748 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:36

The thought of a cute girl blowing ass always makes me jizz in my pants.

kocoman500 | 2

#2531936 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:17

LMFAO 89

zojieeu | 6

#2532014 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:40

90 cause he has a dirty fetish of smelling cute girls farts :D

kingtz | 6

#2532419 - Thursday 19 May 2011 8:19

Which is ironic, because cute girls don't fart...

seanders | 10

#2534317 - Thursday 19 May 2011 18:22

Oh sweet you're from Ontario too 90. Maybe you can blow a few my way.:p

lis54 | 1

#2540680 - Saturday 21 May 2011 0:34

great thanks perv

By collegegirl87 | 0

#2530473 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

That is so embarrassing! FYL

alyslove | 5

#2532442 - Thursday 19 May 2011 8:42

"vicious farts"........ hahahahahahaha

XXizzlerXX | 0

#2616842 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:47

Ikr?! "vicious farts" hehe

By whiteboy7thst | 2

#2530487 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:13

guess you call that disOWNING...

myxcure | 2

#2531138 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:43

Guess not?

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531174 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:52

And why is that

UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#2531250 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:40

Uhm, sorry! Wasn't funny, thanks for trying though.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531252 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:42

I know I failed

iAmScrubs | 19

#2531281 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:59

^yes, the first step is admitting it.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531294 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:08

I think I'm on the right track.

shelbygordon44 | 7

#2531564 - Thursday 19 May 2011 3:41

Way to accept defeat, Broseph.

xxlauruh | 0

#2532194 - Thursday 19 May 2011 6:39

what was your original thought in posting that?

By Nikki_ASW | 0

#2530495 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:14

Why didn't you just say it was him? YDI.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2530811 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:00

Because then it wouldn't be on FML. C'mon now.

Every1luvsfmls | 6

#2530929 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:13

chi nigr0

HikaruZanshii | 3

#2531876 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:06

Lolol 30
Anyhow, if OP said it was her, it would be kind of impolite from her to accuse someone else even if it wasnt her cause any other ways, i guess her mom would've not believed her. T: on my opinion.