Miscellaneous: Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let...

By nicknick2 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Walk on the wild side

The geyser

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

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By - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Our secretive

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

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By olive_costume - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Scared - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By unlucky - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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By why me

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rohnert Park

Almost there

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon, I was nervous; eight, I was pissed. Around ten, I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

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By budda1368 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By STOPTHENOISE - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By :( - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

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By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

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By Rollymouth - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By LockandKey - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By slayerdeath - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By gmd05 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

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By itsrathersmall - United States - Fargo

Today, I learned my neighbor can access my wireless printer from his house after it started printing off pictures of what I'm assuming is his penis. FML

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By nolinguist - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By ShowerStar - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

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By GLHan - United States - Commack

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

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By Cupcakes - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

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By Singleforever - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By harry - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

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87634

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By HDcashier

Graded

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven". Thanks a lot. FML

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1574

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By Chris - United States - Lakewood

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

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By Lucas79 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - United Kingdom - Banbury

Today, my phone autocorrected "with chills" to "with child" in the middle of a message, and I didn't notice until I was contacted several hours later by a panicking friend. My gastric flu is now rumoured to have been morning sickness, all because I can't proofread. FML

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Top comments

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2530468 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

I always claim my farts.

By SmelloJello | 9

#2530588 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:24

After your mom stopped chewing you out, u shoulda just farted in her face and giggled.

COMMENTS

By amrik | 11

#2530465 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

you should never fart in front of your mom ever

shelbygordon44 | 7

#2530517 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:15

take pride in your farts.

muhaidib | 2

#2530771 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:53

at least they weren't sulfuric and makes you want to vomit as if he ate hard boiled rotten eggs... it could be worst

ChickenInMyKitch | 4

#2530854 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:05

^reference win!!

imacreeper | 3

#2531077 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:33

that was me.

SunDropGirl | 0

#2531155 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:46

28 I thought only burps could smell sulferic? I mean I know farts can be really bad! but sulferic?

EatnBeef | 7

#2531783 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:45

farts are methane not sulfur. ( watch me get loads of thumbs down)

sterlingarcher | 1

#2532116 - Thursday 19 May 2011 6:11

hahaha omg I love walmart it's like THE store to do stupid stuff at :D

SuperAnthony | 7

#2537414 - Friday 20 May 2011 6:18

I just love how you described it...

"vicious."

goldneagle31 | 1

#2564385 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 23:31

They didn't say they "are sulfur," but egg farts have a tendency to smell like sulfur.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2530468 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

I always claim my farts.

iBanana | 17

#2531127 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:40

You name makes sense now.

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2531223 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:16

Eggnog doesn't give me gas. Taco Bell on the other hand is quite deadly.

Tayman24 | 0

#2531308 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:22

is it bad if this FML gave me a boner????!?

ILoveEggnog | 7

#2531356 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:58

No.

seanders | 10

#2531748 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:36

The thought of a cute girl blowing ass always makes me jizz in my pants.

kocoman500 | 2

#2531936 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:17

LMFAO 89

zojieeu | 6

#2532014 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:40

90 cause he has a dirty fetish of smelling cute girls farts :D

kingtz | 6

#2532419 - Thursday 19 May 2011 8:19

Which is ironic, because cute girls don't fart...

seanders | 10

#2534317 - Thursday 19 May 2011 18:22

Oh sweet you're from Ontario too 90. Maybe you can blow a few my way.:p

lis54 | 1

#2540680 - Saturday 21 May 2011 0:34

great thanks perv

By collegegirl87 | 0

#2530473 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:11

That is so embarrassing! FYL

alyslove | 5

#2532442 - Thursday 19 May 2011 8:42

"vicious farts"........ hahahahahahaha

XXizzlerXX | 0

#2616842 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:47

Ikr?! "vicious farts" hehe

By whiteboy7thst | 2

#2530487 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:13

guess you call that disOWNING...

myxcure | 2

#2531138 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:43

Guess not?

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531174 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:52

And why is that

UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#2531250 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:40

Uhm, sorry! Wasn't funny, thanks for trying though.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531252 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:42

I know I failed

iAmScrubs | 19

#2531281 - Thursday 19 May 2011 0:59

^yes, the first step is admitting it.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2531294 - Thursday 19 May 2011 1:08

I think I'm on the right track.

shelbygordon44 | 7

#2531564 - Thursday 19 May 2011 3:41

Way to accept defeat, Broseph.

xxlauruh | 0

#2532194 - Thursday 19 May 2011 6:39

what was your original thought in posting that?

By Nikki_ASW | 0

#2530495 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:14

Why didn't you just say it was him? YDI.

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2530811 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:00

Because then it wouldn't be on FML. C'mon now.

Every1luvsfmls | 6

#2530929 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:13

chi nigr0

HikaruZanshii | 3

#2531876 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:06

Lolol 30
Anyhow, if OP said it was her, it would be kind of impolite from her to accuse someone else even if it wasnt her cause any other ways, i guess her mom would've not believed her. T: on my opinion.