Intimacy: Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 612

18/05/2011 16:03

Spicy

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 435

You deserved it 4 703

Vulture

Stop talking!

Good kid

Method acting

By Anonymous - 27/05/2010 04:10

Spicy

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 710

You deserved it 34 311

17/02/2012 20:43

Today, I sneezed while I was in the middle of getting a root canal. I managed to warn the dentist that I was going to sneeze, but he didn't manage to get the tools out of my mouth in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 525

You deserved it 2 072

17/05/2015 17:47

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 508

You deserved it 2 192

Blending Nemo

By hhaghigh - 14/03/2020 00:08

Today, I was draining the water from my fishbowl out into the kitchen sink. The fish was still in it and decided to go with the flow, literally, right into the garburator. I was too scared to stick my hand down there to save it; instead I panicked and turned the garburator on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 2 411

03/02/2013 00:52

Today, I decided at age 18 that it's time to put into storage the picture books that have been collecting dust in my room for nearly a decade. My mother took this as a sign that I'm planning to move out and abandon her forever, and has been crying for the last four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 958

You deserved it 2 910

08/02/2010 20:24

Today, I found out that the necklace my boyfriend gave me for my birthday was actually a gift he'd given to his ex girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 147

You deserved it 3 015

22/06/2016 21:42

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 423

You deserved it 12 778

17/12/2012 05:08

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 343

You deserved it 3 816

15/02/2013 15:50

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 251

You deserved it 2 966

21/12/2009 19:26

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 504

You deserved it 3 831

Can someone just help this person?

By Billie-Jo - 22/03/2021 09:01

Today, I got a new smart TV and I can't do anything with it until I log into my Amazon account on it. It won't let me log on. Now I can't use the TV. This is just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 228

29/09/2010 21:29

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 057

You deserved it 3 720

Losing my mind

By rawr - 30/10/2019 18:00

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 334

29/06/2013 09:55

Today, my house was broken into. The burglar didn't steal my brand new laptop, iPad or TV. They instead made off with every single item of clothing I own. When I went to turn on my TV to try and distract myself from this, I found all of the cables in back missing. The police don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 041

You deserved it 2 942

20/01/2012 21:17

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 524

You deserved it 45 648

04/07/2019 16:00

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 154

21/08/2012 13:04

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 786

You deserved it 2 972

18/06/2009 23:39

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 150

You deserved it 65 266

24/03/2011 15:03

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 800

You deserved it 4 922

Where is this kid now?

By randa - 24/08/2021 12:02

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 050

You deserved it 16 911

A tax on stupidity

By dinkley7 - 21/04/2021 20:02

Today, someone called me a bitch, all because I refused to sell him lottery tickets at 3 a.m. My state prohibits sales after 10 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 61

20/09/2016 06:08

Spicy

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 807

You deserved it 1 219

18/02/2014 19:49

Spicy

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 156

You deserved it 19 222

26/03/2011 20:54

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 145

You deserved it 3 205

03/01/2018 16:30

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 113

You deserved it 618

02/08/2013 05:03

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 533

You deserved it 6 219

Birthday Boy

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 150

21/10/2010 18:10

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 815

You deserved it 48 198

21/02/2009 02:42

Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 046

You deserved it 3 481

11/04/2011 16:57

Spicy

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 768

You deserved it 5 597

04/10/2010 06:37

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 585

You deserved it 3 052

28/09/2012 20:10

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 715

You deserved it 11 388

Everyone's an expert

By yaa - 17/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 150

The Voice

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 05:01

Today, my boyfriend took our dog to the vet because he heard him whining in pain this morning. It was actually me singing in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 230

18/04/2011 03:12

Spicy

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 474

You deserved it 8 175

07/09/2014 13:45

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 633

You deserved it 4 435

20/06/2011 08:12

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 848

You deserved it 15 246

21/04/2015 07:55

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 951

You deserved it 10 849

08/05/2016 17:30

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 289

You deserved it 1 403

25/06/2011 13:39

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 688

You deserved it 67 508

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Top comments

amrik 11

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:13

you should have took his dick and shoved it up her nose!

Iknoweverything 29

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:14

This is the first time I DIDN'T vote YDI. Not that any of you care, but I actually feel genuinely terrible for this girl. And I'm going to make it all about me by making sure all of you know how I feel.

Comments

RobynNichole1 3

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:10

tht sucks lol

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:12

Maybe if OP sucked more, she wouldn't be in this situation.

CaptainWrathe 0

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:16

Pun intended #1?

shelbygordon44 7

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:17

literally. damn antiflood D:

twirlingqueen4u 0

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:10

ha

Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:12

hey lets not ASSume now!

instnt1nfction 17

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:19

I'm disappointed in your joke, tsk tsk tsk...

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:22

fail.

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:26

fail.

Psychotic_EGG 0

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:28

woulda been better as "let's not ASS-U-ME now"

ChickenInMyKitch 4

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:02

she now needs to ASSimilate into a better group of friends....

hellogoodbye1996 6

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Thursday 19 May 2011 0:39

when you assume you make an ass out of u and me

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Thursday 19 May 2011 0:48

really now??? why play stupid... it's quite obvious

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Thursday 19 May 2011 4:48

and the winners of the failures of the year award go to........( opens card) comment number 5 and everyone else on it!!!!!!! congratulations you guys are failures.

somewheresomeone 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:28

doesn't that make you a loser too??

somewheresomeone 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:30

doesn't that make you a loser too??

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Thursday 19 May 2011 7:57

just... give up

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Thursday 19 May 2011 8:56

I can't believe you all tried to carry number 5's fail so far lol...

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Thursday 19 May 2011 11:25

wait.. that was a joke??

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Thursday 19 May 2011 16:22

The Failure of the Year award went to Justin Bieber! He's been setting a record. This is his 5th year straight!

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:20

What's sad is this an FML about Blowjobs. They really missed the point by a few hairs.

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Friday 29 June 2012 18:41

I agree, maybe her contact was on the eye of his penis

amrik 11

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:13

you should have took his dick and shoved it up her nose!

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:37

amen

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Thursday 19 May 2011 0:50

then said "what are you looking at, dicknose?"

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Thursday 19 May 2011 1:30

man u said it not me but good one

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Thursday 19 May 2011 2:15

hahahahaha

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Thursday 19 May 2011 3:32

I remember watching a porn movies like this!

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Thursday 19 May 2011 3:34

#111 made me laugh..thats hella funny

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Thursday 19 May 2011 4:54

Porns have happy endings.

Jenna_Tell_Yuh 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:10

111, you made my night :)

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Thursday 19 May 2011 7:46

to your profile question it means for the win

ichikibobivopula 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 20:04

what's that called? nasal sex?

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:13

wow

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:14

Oops, I dropped my contacts! Found them!

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:31

thumbs up for the yes dance reference :D

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:50

That's great it just made my day!

bamxitsxandreaa 8

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:59

LETS DO THE FORK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL! :D ...yes dance ftw(:

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Thursday 19 May 2011 3:04

Those darn contacts…

Iknoweverything 29

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:14

This is the first time I DIDN'T vote YDI. Not that any of you care, but I actually feel genuinely terrible for this girl. And I'm going to make it all about me by making sure all of you know how I feel.

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:33

My Sarcas'o'Metre just exploded.

annabanananaa11 0

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:52

22, you might be the stupidest person EVER. congrats.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 0:25

way to get sarcasm 22

Jenna_Tell_Yuh 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:12

are bender and fry arguing? :(

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Thursday 19 May 2011 20:15

nah. I was just jokinz.

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:49

Lol, the person who was sarcastic has the user name of "iknoweverything' and the moron's user name is "showmehowtolive". Maybe Iknoweverything can showthemhowtolive?!

folfg0 12

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Wednesday 13 June 2012 4:26

Sirin! You havent been on in a LONG time! :O

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Wednesday 13 June 2012 4:28

Boo.

michaelm1290 23

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:15

She was simply using her head because losing a contact can lead to a sticky situation

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Thursday 19 May 2011 10:42

hahahahaha yes

mommyhearts2boys 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 2:30

lol u made me laugh

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:15

:S harsh

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:16

YDI for making the first sentence rhyme.

Shayandhearts 2

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 22:35

I didn't notice that till I read your comment. XD that made me laugh.

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:07

I'm not sure what accent you have that can possibly make "block" and "walk" rhyme.

grumpybarista 0

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:25

I'm pretty sure it's an English-speaking accent.

mk58 31

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:27

You don't need an accent to make them rhyme.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 1:00

:0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 1:19

unless you pronounce walk as it's pronounced... it rhymes

johnnybagodonuts 2

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Thursday 19 May 2011 1:42

"block"...."walk" yea they definitely don't rhyme, nice try though

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:07

The "l" is silent in walk. You don't say "wall-k." It definitely rhymes..

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:26

the l is definitely not silent in walk. you don't go for a wak.

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Thursday 19 May 2011 6:56

ha well that's the American accent for you we actually do pronounce it wak haha I didn't know other people didn't... accents take the fun out of everything haha

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:25

Walk and block don't rhyme. Learn how to speak English.

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Friday 20 May 2011 4:33

Lets put this argument to rest. Its pronounced WAWK you fucking morons. It is not pronounced WALL-K. bit.ly/lk7x70 bit.ly/knGz3z bit.ly/jfVxEs - In the definition of this, the pronunciation is spelt "wôk". The circumflex above the o is indicative of the AH sound as in "caught". Listen to the audio pronunciations bit.ly/ckiuJf Now listen to this audio pronunciation. LIKE OHEMGEE THEY RHYME! bit.ly/mUHgRF If you look at this online rhyming dictionary under the word block you will see "walk". bit.ly/l78xDz You will come to find in this one MULTIPLE words containing the word "walk" in addition to the actual word "walk". bit.ly/2ZMQf Doing a reverse search of walk I found the word "block" listed. So yes you morons "walk" rhymes with "block". If anyone needs to learn Engrish it is those of you who are too illiterate to realize that these one syllable words rhyme.

alliem199521 10

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Thursday 18 October 2012 4:06

HOW STUPID ARE U PEOPLE WALK AND BLOCK DONT FUCKING RYHME. That should be ur fml.. 'Today i realized walk and block DONT rhyme' WHERE DID U PEOPLE LEARN TO SPEAK?