Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage....

By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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24960

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Intimacy

Emergency haircut

Don't shoot the messenger

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By AM - 31/8/2015 21:46

Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

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25459

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 07:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

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42762

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By OnlyMee - 9/7/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

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39759

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By orcatheseapanda - 9/1/2016 05:14 - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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21062

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By anon - 30/8/2015 06:20 - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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By Oraashi - 26/6/2012 17:18 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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30109

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By lapines01 - 12/8/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

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1379

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By Alex - 15/8/2011 04:16 - New Zealand

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

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35892

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By susan - 24/2/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

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26312

You deserved it

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By notfunny - 9/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

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38684

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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37817

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

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By sighoutloud - 16/10/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

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By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

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11405

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By baddormgirl - 19/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14293

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By jauregz - 25/5/2017 00:00 - Australia - Lalor

Today, my neighbours had an extremely loud party, which began at midnight and didn't end until 6. I know this because I had a 15 minute sleep, seeing as I had to wake up at quarter past. FML

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3838

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By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/6/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

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By jessi - 2/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

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41003

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By Momlovesme - 8/8/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

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By Fluffy - 11/1/2012 12:51 - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By suspicious - 5/7/2013 02:26 - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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45045

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By regrub - 10/1/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

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By mandie - 13/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 05:44 - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

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By Unhappymothersday - 17/5/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

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By xXitslolaXX - 4/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I volunteered for a school play. During rehearsal, I was playing the part of an average housewife. The teacher asked for a volunteer to be my husband. Thirty seconds go by and no one raises their hand. The teacher ended up playing the part because no else wanted to. FML

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By Lifeless - 1/6/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By BrownDump - 14/5/2011 10:43 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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41218

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

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By scooter922 - 15/7/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

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By WaxOnWaxOff - 6/9/2012 21:50 - United States - Denver

Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25324

You deserved it

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By badluck - 21/7/2014 19:31 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML

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59222

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2019 18:01 - United States

Today, I'm so single, I signed up for a free consultation on an LGBT arranged marriage site. FML

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By Miramichi - 30/5/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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43464

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By I said whaat - 18/12/2012 16:50

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

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15116

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2014 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

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36208

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

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14116

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By I did them anyway - 20/7/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2013 05:36 - United States - Huntington

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML

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Top comments

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

Comments

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

bballer55 | 0

#2160618 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 3:36

beandipped....haha

juliahockey | 0

#2346195 - Thursday 14 April 2011 3:30

no shit is a guy. what girls go to strip clubs? none that I know.

tkdgold03 | 5

#2433040 - Saturday 30 April 2011 7:28

winn. ^

mattrd_fml | 31

#5810047 - Monday 30 December 2014 13:14

I know women who do...

By 9brggz1vboyqhb0 | 0

#177 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:41

No, you're not a guy. Guys don't have tits.

Ohnothingreally | 0

#651577 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:47

Look up "bitch tits".

brit8741 | 0

#979055 - Monday 12 April 2010 20:05

yes they do haha

PiErC3 | 0

#4215435 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:06

r u a guy or girl and how old r u cuz im 13 and hav seen at least one guy with "man boobs"

trivel64 | 16

#4556006 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 4:38

Men do have breasts, they're normally just smaller than women's.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#262 - Thursday 5 February 2009 13:22

Hahahaha ... you have man boobs. Hahahahaha. Also, maybe tip more money next time.

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

By FMcorpse | 0

#341 - Thursday 5 February 2009 21:11

gee, that sounds sorta like an FML i posted that never got published....fuck you, Big B

By Flexer | 0

#371 - Friday 6 February 2009 4:36

to #10: Please see FML Code, article #8

By redroses5 | 0

#7666 - Thursday 26 February 2009 8:43

haha I pictured the whole scene in my head. Man boobs!

By zillia_fml | 0

#8347 - Friday 27 February 2009 4:57

theres a very good thing, its called losing weight, try it

By Boogie99 | 0

#10426 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:54

are you going to take that from a stripper?
but yeah tip more next time

By socializer1 | 0

#15124 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:19

It's called working out, it prevents you from being fat.

By Durf | 0

#32482 - Sunday 15 March 2009 8:09

lemme slap those thighs, i wanna see waves!