Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage....

By Big B - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24972

You deserved it

45347

Favorite

Intimacy

Creepy

Clocked

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32191

You deserved it

3255

Favorite

By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

I agree, your life sucks

25120

You deserved it

1667

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

I agree, your life sucks

74761

You deserved it

9543

Favorite

By newbffswelcome - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47690

You deserved it

4648

Favorite

By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27510

You deserved it

11748

Favorite

By shouldhavecheckedthelock - United States

Today, after having not used my laptop since January because I thought it was broken, I found out that the key lock has been on the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11859

You deserved it

51839

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37133

You deserved it

13047

Favorite

By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34308

You deserved it

2751

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44195

You deserved it

2661

Favorite

By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52217

You deserved it

7348

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35401

You deserved it

2914

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48589

You deserved it

8531

Favorite

By happybirthday - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

I agree, your life sucks

52289

You deserved it

3440

Favorite

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

927

You deserved it

180

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28959

You deserved it

3480

Favorite

By TommyNoFeet

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3562

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By SBT1030 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41415

You deserved it

5626

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53961

You deserved it

6228

Favorite

By showerpower - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16461

You deserved it

34763

Favorite

By ontherun2012 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28949

You deserved it

7837

Favorite

By Yupppp. - United States - Flushing

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40148

You deserved it

5260

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By Anonymous - United States - Winsted

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12948

You deserved it

17782

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By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41279

You deserved it

6630

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By dogdays - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, like usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34842

You deserved it

7159

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By HYRTE

Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3929

You deserved it

348

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By chickenlover - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18716

You deserved it

54552

Favorite

By hopeless - Canada

Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9736

You deserved it

53990

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By failure - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32629

You deserved it

5015

Favorite

By issy - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38588

You deserved it

3616

Favorite

By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48618

You deserved it

6531

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20217

You deserved it

47589

Favorite

By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3165

You deserved it

540

Favorite

By Dani - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32847

You deserved it

2558

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having a terrible love life for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46601

You deserved it

13933

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By embaressed - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14220

You deserved it

33941

Favorite

By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1584

You deserved it

481

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1722

You deserved it

334

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35419

You deserved it

10419

Favorite

By GreenScar - United States

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66681

You deserved it

5591

Favorite

By Voltron - United States

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13728

You deserved it

37500

Favorite

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Top comments

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

COMMENTS

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

bballer55 | 0

#2160618 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 3:36

beandipped....haha

juliahockey | 0

#2346195 - Thursday 14 April 2011 3:30

no shit is a guy. what girls go to strip clubs? none that I know.

tkdgold03 | 5

#2433040 - Saturday 30 April 2011 7:28

winn. ^

mattrd_fml | 31

#5810047 - Monday 30 December 2014 13:14

I know women who do...

By 9brggz1vboyqhb0 | 0

#177 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:41

No, you're not a guy. Guys don't have tits.

Ohnothingreally | 0

#651577 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:47

Look up "bitch tits".

brit8741 | 0

#979055 - Monday 12 April 2010 20:05

yes they do haha

PiErC3 | 0

#4215435 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:06

r u a guy or girl and how old r u cuz im 13 and hav seen at least one guy with "man boobs"

trivel64 | 16

#4556006 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 4:38

Men do have breasts, they're normally just smaller than women's.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#262 - Thursday 5 February 2009 13:22

Hahahaha ... you have man boobs. Hahahahaha. Also, maybe tip more money next time.

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

By FMcorpse | 0

#341 - Thursday 5 February 2009 21:11

gee, that sounds sorta like an FML i posted that never got published....fuck you, Big B

By Flexer | 0

#371 - Friday 6 February 2009 4:36

to #10: Please see FML Code, article #8

By redroses5 | 0

#7666 - Thursday 26 February 2009 8:43

haha I pictured the whole scene in my head. Man boobs!

By zillia_fml | 0

#8347 - Friday 27 February 2009 4:57

theres a very good thing, its called losing weight, try it

By Boogie99 | 0

#10426 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:54

are you going to take that from a stripper?
but yeah tip more next time

By socializer1 | 0

#15124 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:19

It's called working out, it prevents you from being fat.

By Durf | 0

#32482 - Sunday 15 March 2009 8:09

lemme slap those thighs, i wanna see waves!