Intimacy: Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage....

By Big B - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Instadrama

Seize the means of production

By Marie - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work with my board of directors for a potential promotion. When one of them told a joke, I politely let out an amused snort. Then, I noticed my director's white shirt and tie covered in red splatter. I nose bled all over the director of my company. FML

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By kenyaliving - Kenya

Today, I've been living in Kenya in a nasty apartment for so long that when I looked down into my drink and saw a dead fly, I just picked it out and continued drinking. FML

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By Ryan McArdle - 25/1/2021 10:58

What did I do?

Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML

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By Ixi_the_pixie - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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By stoopidpoop - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

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By bald baby

Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml

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By AuntPeePee - United States

Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

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By SingleWorker - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

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36044

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By bigbro - Australia - Southbank

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

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By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

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1995

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By Prinpette - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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31176

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By bittenbyadonkey - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

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37014

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By stopstutteringforSiri - United States

Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML

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45889

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By brandon - Canada

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door. After shouting several profanities, my roommate walked up to me, turned the key the other way, and unlocked it. FML

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7594

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By anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

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13409

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stripped of my starting position on my high school basketball team. The reason? I was three minutes late to practice. Why was I late? My coach called me five minutes before practice and made me get him a coffee or else he wouldn't start me. FML

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42514

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By Ear Invasion - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

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36290

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Vianen

Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By unlucky - 27/9/2020 10:49

Heavy sleeper

Today, I had a migraine. I decided to wear earplugs to block out sound while I slept. I don't usually wear them because they hurt my ears like nobody's business. The one day I wear earplugs, I get robbed. In the middle of the day. Through my own bedroom window. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

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By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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194153

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By ihatecats - United States

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML

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9592

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By random123 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

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33064

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By blah - United States

Today, I had a bunch of parties while my parents were out of town. I made sure to clean up absolutely everything, I even vacuumed the stairs. As they pulled up, I noticed all of the trash bags filled with beer cans blocking their way into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

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By Username - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was having motorbike lessons. We were parked by the side of the circuit when one side of my gloves dropped on the ground. I tried to pick it up without getting off the bike. I lost balance, fell off the bike and the bike landed on my leg, trapping me. FML

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866

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By Well okay then - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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11221

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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11914

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By DeadDude

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

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By Bullet - United States

Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor's kid she babysits. FML

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Top comments

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

COMMENTS

By Imdead | 0

#158 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 21:18

Time to go on a diet bro. Good luck. It's not easy.

bballer55 | 0

#2160618 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 3:36

beandipped....haha

juliahockey | 0

#2346195 - Thursday 14 April 2011 3:30

no shit is a guy. what girls go to strip clubs? none that I know.

tkdgold03 | 5

#2433040 - Saturday 30 April 2011 7:28

winn. ^

mattrd_fml | 31

#5810047 - Monday 30 December 2013 13:14

I know women who do...

By 9brggz1vboyqhb0 | 0

#177 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:41

No, you're not a guy. Guys don't have tits.

Ohnothingreally | 0

#651577 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:47

Look up "bitch tits".

brit8741 | 0

#979055 - Monday 12 April 2010 20:05

yes they do haha

PiErC3 | 0

#4215435 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:06

r u a guy or girl and how old r u cuz im 13 and hav seen at least one guy with "man boobs"

trivel64 | 16

#4556006 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 4:38

Men do have breasts, they're normally just smaller than women's.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#262 - Thursday 5 February 2009 13:22

Hahahaha ... you have man boobs. Hahahahaha. Also, maybe tip more money next time.

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3505281 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:30

Hahaha your a douche.......
Hahahahaha try being nice sometime.

By FMcorpse | 0

#341 - Thursday 5 February 2009 21:11

gee, that sounds sorta like an FML i posted that never got published....fuck you, Big B

By Flexer | 0

#371 - Friday 6 February 2009 4:36

to #10: Please see FML Code, article #8

By redroses5 | 0

#7666 - Thursday 26 February 2009 8:43

haha I pictured the whole scene in my head. Man boobs!

By zillia_fml | 0

#8347 - Friday 27 February 2009 4:57

theres a very good thing, its called losing weight, try it

By Boogie99 | 0

#10426 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:54

are you going to take that from a stripper?
but yeah tip more next time

By socializer1 | 0

#15124 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:19

It's called working out, it prevents you from being fat.

By Durf | 0

#32482 - Sunday 15 March 2009 8:09

lemme slap those thighs, i wanna see waves!