Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach...

By targe - 19/10/2011 09:40 - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Great speech, thanks!

Ambien conversations are the worst

Mystery

By crazyattracts - 31/7/2016 05:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

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By phuckbukket7 - 27/4/2014 22:08 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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By hopelesscollegechick - 7/5/2013 18:14 - United States - Alexander City

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 14:38 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

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By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By ip7 - 31/3/2015 19:24 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

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By anonymous - 11/1/2015 19:10 - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 14:00

Libel

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

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By foxownerapperantly - 7/6/2015 21:48 - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By Syrinth - 21/7/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By Anon - 18/12/2013 09:56 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

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By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 04:50 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 02:02

Kids say the darndest things

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

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By CriminalMistake - 4/5/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

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By hdgyfjdzdfg - 16/4/2012 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By Danny - 7/1/2012 10:27 - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

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By stillembarrassed - 6/8/2013 17:01 - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 18:38 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

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By TriangularBanana - 10/12/2016 22:50 - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By SCdriver - 16/7/2012 06:04 - United States - Lexington

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - 26/11/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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By fatty - 14/8/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By girlw/ablog - 2/7/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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By mr_loveless - 11/2/2013 07:19 - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

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By Anna - 20/1/2019 16:00

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2017 06:00

Today, I learned that my husband is attracted to obese, unhealthy women after celebrating my weight loss of 175lbs and improving my overall health. FML

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By DogBeater - 21/6/2016 01:21 - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

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By notaman - 11/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Marion

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

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By dca101 - 20/3/2013 02:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

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By JZ - 30/10/2009 13:34 - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2014 00:55 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2016 21:26 - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By Gayer men’s team - 2/11/2017 04:00

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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By fmlforreal - 15/10/2010 08:33 - Singapore

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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Top comments

By kings1fan | 6

#3455663 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:55

I hear it's good luck!

By Streeet_hayley | 6

#3455693 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

At least you're on a beach and can clean it off..

COMMENTS

By kings1fan | 6

#3455663 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:55

I hear it's good luck!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3455687 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:58

Yep. It's even better luck if an elephant shuts on you... Next stop, zoo!

sseberly | 11

#3455689 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:58

That's usually what I do to turn my luck around. Painting a bullseye on you body helps the bird's accuracy too

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455730 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:03

2-what does the elephant shut? the window? the door?

IceeCreamm | 7

#3455752 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:07

Shit happens

dumple | 0

#3455793 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:18

Shut happens

opendoorclosed | 8

#3455795 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:18

Was it a normal seagull? Or a Steven Seagal?

vsat207 | 0

#3455975 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:17

Yes, especially when hoping to get a disease it's the best luck!

liquidSELECT | 0

#3456072 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:46

21-made my day

btnhdude | 0

#3456176 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:17

'Shat' is getting annoying as fuck.
It's like a total trend.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3456524 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 19:52

#9 it shuts your mouth.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3457460 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 22:41

XD I didnt even notice... I lolled

AtrumMessor | 1

#3458510 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:49

#48--As opposed to what? "Shitted"?

It's not a trend, it's called grammar.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3458543 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:55

hey 59 fuck you

nalia18 | 8

#3460384 - Thursday 20 October 2011 7:11

Im sorry about saying this but this kinda sounds like a line in kung fu panda....
And yes i like kid movies... Im proud... No shame

Braginskyyy | 6

#3462153 - Thursday 20 October 2011 17:50

I think I'd rather take a 4 leaf clover... :P

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#3638961 - Friday 25 November 2011 21:53

haha shat...that's a funny word..

By Streeet_hayley | 6

#3455693 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

At least you're on a beach and can clean it off..

Eggers | 2

#3455850 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:36

my thoughts exactly (I like how you get down-voted for agreeing)

SirObvious | 1

#3456209 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:31

Sounds like you found some inner piss!

By cmayo | 3

#3455698 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

Good seagull.

raphanne_fml | 33

#3455861 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:40

"Mine... mine ...mine, MINE"

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3455708 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:00

Shit happens :)

haw008 | 14

#3457187 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 21:57

I knew someone would say it

Notimetobleed | 14

#3459076 - Thursday 20 October 2011 3:45

Next is "What a shitty situation."

slappygecko | 21

#5483560 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:39

*machete swing*

By nick347b | 6

#3455714 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:01

Well, at least it wasn't Karma.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455740 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:05

well, at least that wasn't a terrible comment... oh wait...

nick347b | 6

#3455775 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:13

I don't see your perfect, god-inspired comment anywhere so gtfo.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455783 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:15

you're just not looking hard enough

By luongo6 | 0

#3455726 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:02

Okay imma just get this out of the way, well that's a shitty situation

kamikrazy | 6

#3456006 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:25

*facepalm*

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3456014 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:28

*facecheesegrater*

13FTW | 9

#3456107 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:58

I don't see why theres a crapload of these jokes. They all stink. Besides pun jokes are overrated..

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3457043 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 21:28

Yeah, these puns are pretty shitty.

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3459309 - Thursday 20 October 2011 4:27

But at least they look good right? (points if you get this pun)

MrsRamey | 1

#3460491 - Thursday 20 October 2011 8:20

lmfao!

By darkmis1 | 17

#3455749 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:06

Shat. He shat on you. Shit is the present form; shat is the past. I'm Not trying to be a grammar nazi. That really does suck, OP.

RavagedSouI | 0

#3455905 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:57

Shat is slang. Shit is actually like cut. In every tense, it remains the same,

darkmis1 | 17

#3455963 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:15

Actually no, it's not. If you look at the FML, the mods actually changed it to shat.

btnhdude | 0

#3456170 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:15

Mkay.

fadingaway | 17

#3456310 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 19:14

No it's not. The past tense of shit is always shat. It's not slang and it's never shit. It's like sit or spit.

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3455759 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:09

The beach has showers sometimes. Or the ocean. No big deal

By TrouserPython | 3

#3455766 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:11

You should be thankful. The seagull was trying to help you integrate into the environment, to help you commune with nature, both of which are very stress-reducing.

May seagulls shit on us all.

By GVirdi | 11

#3455777 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:14

Sorry I had to laugh.. Its funny
U shudve laid down so u cud see it coming and avoid it with ur ninjaness

MRSsquarepants | 0

#3458937 - Thursday 20 October 2011 3:18

Please.. Learn how to write properly.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3460435 - Thursday 20 October 2011 7:37

Were you dropped on your head as a child?