Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach...

By targe - 19/10/2011 09:40 - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Emergency haircut

Compassion

By lonely loser - 22/8/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

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By creepedoutlady - 16/8/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By Deadcat101 - 10/7/2012 23:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 18:00

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

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By RaveCharlie - 18/4/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 01:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2011 06:15 - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

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By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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By footfetish - 2/2/2013 11:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By frosho - 9/3/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

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By rabid_otaku - 20/9/2014 23:39 - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By chinesef000d - 29/8/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

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By eewww - 6/5/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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By grossedout - 1/2/2015 23:10 - United States - Newport News

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By Ohgreat - 17/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 21:27 - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

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By Parental - 22/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 21:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

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By ohyesIfeelspecial - 18/5/2012 16:05 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML

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By luciaspiano - 5/2/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I was riding a bus. After having a conversation with my friend, I looked down and saw a little boy looking at me. He asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" As if that wasn't bad enough, when I responded that I was a girl, he said, "Oh. So, why do you have a boy voice then?" FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Sarri - 18/2/2014 02:13 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2015 17:20 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo - 4/6/2019 04:06

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - 3/8/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By mrwilly - 2/1/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By #[email protected] - 27/12/2018 16:00

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

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By astocks - 24/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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33914

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By Brittany - 1/3/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 28/8/2018 01:30

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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Top comments

By kings1fan | 6

#3455663 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:55

I hear it's good luck!

By Streeet_hayley | 6

#3455693 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

At least you're on a beach and can clean it off..

Comments

By kings1fan | 6

#3455663 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:55

I hear it's good luck!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3455687 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:58

Yep. It's even better luck if an elephant shuts on you... Next stop, zoo!

sseberly | 11

#3455689 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:58

That's usually what I do to turn my luck around. Painting a bullseye on you body helps the bird's accuracy too

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455730 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:03

2-what does the elephant shut? the window? the door?

IceeCreamm | 7

#3455752 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:07

Shit happens

dumple | 0

#3455793 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:18

Shut happens

opendoorclosed | 8

#3455795 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:18

Was it a normal seagull? Or a Steven Seagal?

vsat207 | 0

#3455975 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:17

Yes, especially when hoping to get a disease it's the best luck!

liquidSELECT | 0

#3456072 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:46

21-made my day

btnhdude | 0

#3456176 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:17

'Shat' is getting annoying as fuck.
It's like a total trend.

False_Stupidity | 41

#3456524 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 19:52

#9 it shuts your mouth.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3457460 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 22:41

XD I didnt even notice... I lolled

AtrumMessor | 1

#3458510 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:49

#48--As opposed to what? "Shitted"?

It's not a trend, it's called grammar.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3458543 - Thursday 20 October 2011 1:55

hey 59 fuck you

nalia18 | 8

#3460384 - Thursday 20 October 2011 7:11

Im sorry about saying this but this kinda sounds like a line in kung fu panda....
And yes i like kid movies... Im proud... No shame

Braginskyyy | 6

#3462153 - Thursday 20 October 2011 17:50

I think I'd rather take a 4 leaf clover... :P

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#3638961 - Friday 25 November 2011 21:53

haha shat...that's a funny word..

By Streeet_hayley | 6

#3455693 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

At least you're on a beach and can clean it off..

Eggers | 2

#3455850 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:36

my thoughts exactly (I like how you get down-voted for agreeing)

SirObvious | 1

#3456209 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:31

Sounds like you found some inner piss!

By cmayo | 3

#3455698 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 15:59

Good seagull.

raphanne_fml | 33

#3455861 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:40

"Mine... mine ...mine, MINE"

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3455708 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:00

Shit happens :)

haw008 | 14

#3457187 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 21:57

I knew someone would say it

Notimetobleed | 13

#3459076 - Thursday 20 October 2011 3:45

Next is "What a shitty situation."

slappygecko | 21

#5483560 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:39

*machete swing*

By nick347b | 6

#3455714 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:01

Well, at least it wasn't Karma.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455740 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:05

well, at least that wasn't a terrible comment... oh wait...

nick347b | 6

#3455775 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:13

I don't see your perfect, god-inspired comment anywhere so gtfo.

kcircuses2 | 4

#3455783 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:15

you're just not looking hard enough

By luongo6 | 0

#3455726 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:02

Okay imma just get this out of the way, well that's a shitty situation

kamikrazy | 6

#3456006 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:25

*facepalm*

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3456014 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:28

*facecheesegrater*

13FTW | 9

#3456107 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:58

I don't see why theres a crapload of these jokes. They all stink. Besides pun jokes are overrated..

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3457043 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 21:28

Yeah, these puns are pretty shitty.

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3459309 - Thursday 20 October 2011 4:27

But at least they look good right? (points if you get this pun)

MrsRamey | 1

#3460491 - Thursday 20 October 2011 8:20

lmfao!

By darkmis1 | 17

#3455749 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:06

Shat. He shat on you. Shit is the present form; shat is the past. I'm Not trying to be a grammar nazi. That really does suck, OP.

RavagedSouI | 0

#3455905 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:57

Shat is slang. Shit is actually like cut. In every tense, it remains the same,

darkmis1 | 17

#3455963 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 17:15

Actually no, it's not. If you look at the FML, the mods actually changed it to shat.

btnhdude | 0

#3456170 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 18:15

Mkay.

fadingaway | 17

#3456310 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 19:14

No it's not. The past tense of shit is always shat. It's not slang and it's never shit. It's like sit or spit.

By hannahcorrine | 0

#3455759 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:09

The beach has showers sometimes. Or the ocean. No big deal

By TrouserPython | 3

#3455766 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:11

You should be thankful. The seagull was trying to help you integrate into the environment, to help you commune with nature, both of which are very stress-reducing.

May seagulls shit on us all.

By GVirdi | 11

#3455777 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 16:14

Sorry I had to laugh.. Its funny
U shudve laid down so u cud see it coming and avoid it with ur ninjaness

MRSsquarepants | 0

#3458937 - Thursday 20 October 2011 3:18

Please.. Learn how to write properly.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3460435 - Thursday 20 October 2011 7:37

Were you dropped on your head as a child?