Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid... - FML

By wurtabang - 9/2/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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Bustin' my ass

How's your hovel?

Great guy

By Water Daughter - 13/10/2013 05:51 - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 02:37 - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By Okay - 31/10/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, my sister had her first kiss. She was very excited and she told me all about it. She then asked me to tell her about the first time I kissed a guy, what it was like, who it was with, etc. I had to make one up. I have never been kissed before. My sister is 6 years younger than me. FML

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By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By StepFather - 31/8/2019 08:01 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my step-daughter, who is 29, still living at home and planning her wedding 2 years from now and who I've completely supported since marrying her mother 16 years ago, wants her cousin to walk her down the aisle and not me. FML

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By wowthatwould - 4/12/2011 21:39 - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

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By hospital - 5/10/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By Willow - 17/6/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

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By Username - 27/11/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By gkid92 - 16/8/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

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By tdtf - 16/3/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 18:02 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By knifewow - 20/10/2016 08:30 - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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By FuckThis - 31/8/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

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By almostmugged - 17/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Florida - 24/11/2016 03:04 - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

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By brownieswillneverbethesame - 4/9/2011 06:18 - United States

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

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By Barrel - 5/2/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

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By fnfantastic - 4/11/2012 16:37 - United States - Warsaw

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

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By sneezeattack - 14/5/2012 05:27 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By grampsisgay - 18/4/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 05:07 - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

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By beer guy - 1/12/2010 05:12

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 5/1/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By CantWin - 7/6/2016 22:38 - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By Richmond24 - 29/7/2010 19:10 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By MDWilde - 30/3/2012 18:28 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - 22/1/2009 23:26 - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By JJ - 21/3/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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Top comments

By summerloolooloo | 0

#837768 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:08

So you would rather have his nasty peepee all over your pants then?

By zombzomb | 0

#837787 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:12

what does him being chubby have anything to do with it?

COMMENTS

By Geo77_fml | 0

#837748 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:04

man that's horrible, that's a definate fml.

Reply

IDOLGIRL | 0

#837899 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 13:10

if you were wearing shorts, why did he pee on you "the whole time"?? why didn't you say or do something about it at the get-go? YDI for letting him whiz on you. Or maybe you're into golden showers?

Reply

mekarski1008 | 0

#838008 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 14:15

Well, there's an upside to wearing shorts, you can wipe the piss off. Other than that, FYL

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#838080 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 15:06

agree 34. if they were jeans you'd have smelly jeans all day D:

Reply

nadsm | 0

#838085 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 15:12

but it's freezing and snowy in virginia right now. he shouldn't be wearing shorts anyway...

Reply

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#838403 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:14

45 Ftw!!!

Reply

pjfromok | 0

#838409 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:16

PWNT!!!!

Reply

Latiote | 6

#838543 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 18:06

was he pregnant?

Reply

fylreally | 0

#838975 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 21:38

How in the fuck do you piss violently. Now, I can see shitting violently.

Reply

bkenney | 0

#839049 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 22:04

you're hot :P

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#840171 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 5:43

"Today, I went to take a shit in a toilet, a fat kid went in the stall next to me and started shitting violently and it got on me the whole time. FML"

Reply

gomego87 | 0

#840361 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:57

lmfao?? 65. I love you

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#840365 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 6:59

u totally deserved that one

Reply

astheworldfalls | 0

#840681 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 9:41

Atleast you won't have athletes foot

Reply

bfffness | 0

#842870 - Thursday 11 February 2010 1:57

fuck that, you don't get piss on you with pants.

Reply

sobe23 | 0

#843170 - Thursday 11 February 2010 3:25

lmao. I was just thinking that!!!

Reply

warom | 0

#844399 - Thursday 11 February 2010 12:24

How does one pee violently? Was there blood? Fyl indeed.

Reply

warom | 0

#844404 - Thursday 11 February 2010 12:26

Hahaha oh my god. made my day

Reply

Kasey1994 | 0

#3927360 - Monday 23 January 2012 4:00

Damn bro ... Beat that kids ass haha

By bkullas | 0

#837752 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:05

now that's just nasty. I would have pushed him over so he would pee on himself

Reply

themachine122 | 0

#838522 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:58

haha that made my day!

Reply

fallenkid | 0

#839841 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 3:34

lol i know I pushed a kid in the bathroom while he was peeing and he got it all over himself

By saucey12 | 1

#837754 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:05

ewwwwww, and then you punched him and told him he needs training on how to go to the bathroom

By summerloolooloo | 0

#837768 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:08

So you would rather have his nasty peepee all over your pants then?

By IfuckedMYlifebad | 0

#837770 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:08

at least there were no urine marks where the pee went. but if you wore long pants It would be different

By R3kli3 | 10

#837776 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:10

=O

By froggi_fml | 0

#837778 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:10

it was like ur own personal fountain!!..... of pee. o.O

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#838395 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:11

That's what we call an imported sex trick.

By CherishFlowers | 0

#837779 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:10

At least you weren't wearing pants, because then you would have to go home and change. You could probably just wash the pee off your legs, right?

By zombzomb | 0

#837787 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:12

what does him being chubby have anything to do with it?

Reply

buddyboyo | 0

#838446 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:28

I was thinking the same thing.

Reply

adam511_fml | 4

#2860366 - Sunday 10 July 2011 10:02

seriously

Reply

Bullet4MyChemaMo | 12

#3382782 - Monday 3 October 2011 19:02

I was thinking exactly that as I read it.

Reply

Raidriar | 14

#5968922 - Sunday 8 June 2014 17:53

Maybe the OP wanted to add details? Or was more repulsed because the kid was chubby? Stereotypes and prejudices are a thing unfortunately...

By Yulia_fml | 0

#837788 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:12

What I don't get is how the fact that he's chubby affects the story. If he's peeing violently, it's not cause he's fat!

Reply

Yulia_fml | 0

#837872 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:57

haha sorry for the repetitive comment. the one right above me was posted within the exact same minute as mine.

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#837873 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:58

It could be chode related...

Reply

youthink_fml | 0

#837957 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 13:56

somebody's fat!