Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole... - FML

By adderallgirl - 12/6/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole night taking care of my sick boyfriend. He got up early, feeling great, bouncing around the house. When I finally got up I told him I didn't feel well and he yelled at me for being a bitch in the morning that slows him down. FML

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Caught red-handed

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

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By RawrSparkle - 21/9/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By x_o - 4/8/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By badsinger - 4/6/2010 09:38 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - 5/11/2013 18:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By weddingblues - 30/5/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

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By Juliett - 29/8/2019 19:00 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 21:23 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By FavreFan99 - 1/1/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By cmondude - 18/9/2018 15:30

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 14:03 - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By drixxy - 29/8/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

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By bridalqueen - 24/3/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML

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By too good - 24/10/2014 10:54 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 02:01

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

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By mylifesucks - 10/7/2013 20:10 - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By Frauded - 17/12/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

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By bullseyed - 8/12/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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By HWS - 15/4/2011 05:47 - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By KaLa - 8/2/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By Username - 1/9/2010 00:35 - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By Balphleair - 19/10/2019 13:00 - Lebanon - Saida

Fight the power!

Today, my country went on strike and is overthrowing the government, and I'm stuck on a night shift at work. FML

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By offendedfemme - 26/8/2009 02:16 - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 05:19 - Australia

Today, at work, I dropped a heavy block of lead on my hand. On my hunt for ice, I had to tell my manager - who told her manager, who told the chief - in the end, the whole department found out and they made me fill in two long arsed incident reports. I had to fill them in myself with my busted up hand. FML

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By tommy - 20/12/2011 22:41 - United States

Today, after spending months learning how to play the guitar and memorizing the music to my girlfriend's all-time favorite song, I performed it for her. Her response? "Well, you kind of ruined that song for me now." FML

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By dazedandconfused - 18/9/2016 09:44 - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By Scarred4lyfe - 28/2/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - 2/6/2013 10:53 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By Off to Canada - 16/3/2016 07:48 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

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By Domo731 - 5/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Lorus - 23/8/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I passed a kidney stone. This is the third one in two years. I'm only 23. FML

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By Yupppp. - 11/2/2015 06:25 - United States - Flushing

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - 16/6/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By ColoredPencil13 - 10/5/2014 13:35 - United States - Baytown

Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 05:37 - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By recmonty - 17/5/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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Top comments

By dantheman931 | 0

#298706 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Why the hell are you still with him? You should wait until next time he gets sick and then dump his ass while he's lying in bed.

By suckager | 0

#298718 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:19

Key his car and pop his tires and tell him you are just being yourself... Trying to slow him down

Comments

By munchy35 | 0

#298689 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By albinorhino | 0

#298692 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

#2 cry about it

Reply

jazziness | 12

#3052036 - Saturday 6 August 2011 17:29

It's the same with saying "first" no one cares.

By evanwilliams | 4

#298693 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

JoelsLastNight | 18

#5821843 - Thursday 9 January 2014 8:29

Fk your rude

By myexsucks | 0

#298700 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Sounds like my ex. But seriously...just tell him to shut up and get over it. No big deal.

By dantheman931 | 0

#298706 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Why the hell are you still with him? You should wait until next time he gets sick and then dump his ass while he's lying in bed.

By fobchick | 0

#298707 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Wow what a insensitive prick.

By chiaro | 0

#298712 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:18

you certainly did NOT deserve that from him. you should have reminded him that you spent so much time taking care of him. if he takes that for granted, then he doesn't deserve you.

By Niqi | 0

#298714 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:18

That's awfully inconsiderate of him. =/

By suckager | 0

#298718 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:19

Key his car and pop his tires and tell him you are just being yourself... Trying to slow him down

Reply

Sportey | 9

#6303471 - Thursday 28 May 2015 1:52

Doing this would totally make you the better person great thunking

Reply

Thebestinclass | 16

#6421976 - Monday 28 September 2015 7:41

That sounds like a psycho thing to do.

By takemetotheriot | 0

#298747 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6020026 - Saturday 26 July 2014 20:43

*plays triangle* ASSHOLE ALERT