Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole... - FML

By adderallgirl - 12/6/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole night taking care of my sick boyfriend. He got up early, feeling great, bouncing around the house. When I finally got up I told him I didn't feel well and he yelled at me for being a bitch in the morning that slows him down. FML

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Instadrama

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By Username - 31/7/2019 00:01 - Singapore

Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By NotTakenYet - 5/10/2018 22:05

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

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By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/9/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

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By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By Mazzam - 19/11/2008 11:33 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2014 18:44 - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2015 16:36 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By awkwardparents - 6/8/2012 08:13 - United States - Burlingame

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

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By can't sleep - 18/3/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By absense - 16/3/2016 07:43 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

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By shitlicker - 8/12/2015 04:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

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By Perplexed - 19/1/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

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By Maddie110110 - 7/6/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:13 - India

Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

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By 3lavyaa - 7/10/2009 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By anonymous - 1/2/2016 06:07 - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

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By thisisbad - 12/10/2009 14:21 - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 14:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By Sherry - 11/7/2012 13:29 - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By Arsinoe - 6/1/2010 00:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

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By me - 24/4/2014 15:32 - United States - Paris

Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML

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By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - 10/9/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By Magnus_the_Red - 9/9/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

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By exfiancee - 5/8/2012 13:20 - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By Very Divorced - 10/10/2018 20:00 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

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By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By Audrey Anna Grace Somers - 12/5/2019 14:00

Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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Top comments

By dantheman931 | 0

#298706 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Why the hell are you still with him? You should wait until next time he gets sick and then dump his ass while he's lying in bed.

By suckager | 0

#298718 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:19

Key his car and pop his tires and tell him you are just being yourself... Trying to slow him down

COMMENTS

By munchy35 | 0

#298689 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By albinorhino | 0

#298692 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

#2 cry about it

Reply

jazziness | 12

#3052036 - Saturday 6 August 2011 17:29

It's the same with saying "first" no one cares.

By evanwilliams | 4

#298693 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

JoelsLastNight | 18

#5821843 - Thursday 9 January 2014 8:29

Fk your rude

By myexsucks | 0

#298700 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Sounds like my ex. But seriously...just tell him to shut up and get over it. No big deal.

By dantheman931 | 0

#298706 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Why the hell are you still with him? You should wait until next time he gets sick and then dump his ass while he's lying in bed.

By fobchick | 0

#298707 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:17

Wow what a insensitive prick.

By chiaro | 0

#298712 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:18

you certainly did NOT deserve that from him. you should have reminded him that you spent so much time taking care of him. if he takes that for granted, then he doesn't deserve you.

By Niqi | 0

#298714 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:18

That's awfully inconsiderate of him. =/

By suckager | 0

#298718 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:19

Key his car and pop his tires and tell him you are just being yourself... Trying to slow him down

Reply

Sportey | 9

#6303471 - Thursday 28 May 2015 1:52

Doing this would totally make you the better person great thunking

Reply

Thebestinclass | 16

#6421976 - Monday 28 September 2015 7:41

That sounds like a psycho thing to do.

By takemetotheriot | 0

#298747 - Friday 12 June 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6020026 - Saturday 26 July 2014 20:43

*plays triangle* ASSHOLE ALERT