Miscellaneous: Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru....

By NotSoYoung - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Child labor

Bad boys, bad boys…

By ktwithaq - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

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By Unclicked - Singapore

Today, my long-distance boyfriend wanted to spend time online with me. He kept quiet on Skype and went on a hundred different stupid websites, laughing by himself. Afterwards, he told me he really enjoyed our time together. FML

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By uggghhhh

Today, it's 3 days before Christmas and my first day of holidays. Today is also the first day I have been sick all year. Hello tonsillitis, goodbye fun. FML

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By inchetogb - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was checking into a hotel with my boyfriend. A few minutes after we get to our room, the cops show up to our door asking to see some ID from the both of us. The hotel staff had called the cops on us because they thought I was underage and he was going to molest me. I'm 21 and he is 24. FML

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By missbutthole - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

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By OUCH - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By weirdedout - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

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By Alexander - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By fire0fisis - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By notasgood - United States

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By Ljsmitty - United States

Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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By Anonymous

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

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By postop - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By cathugger

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

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Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By birthday bash - France

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. She decided that her "gift to herself" would be to leave the loser who has been holding her back for two years. Hello, my name is Ben, and I am that loser. FML

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By Bruce - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

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By deranged - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By KindStranger - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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By left-out - United States

Today, my sister posted on her Facebook that she hates moving because of all of the packing that she and my family have to do. I didn't even know we're moving. FML

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By itsjustemcee - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

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By parentalfail - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

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By dammitall - United States

Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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By j0hn - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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Top comments

By dracer | 0

#315641 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

The little joys are the best?

By kmander93 | 0

#315642 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

you're ridiculous, though I would do the same

COMMENTS

By noName123456 | 0

#315639 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:36

funny I'm a tard

easylazy | 0

#316021 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:32

Don't worry--- it's probably worth more than your car anyway

suaveneanderthal | 0

#316530 - Thursday 18 June 2009 8:43

so i can't possibly imagine this happening to anyone. wow

flakes_fml | 0

#1821365 - Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816919 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:04

nobody cares if you're first you empty-headed octopus-fucker stop being such a dingbat

By dracer | 0

#315641 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

The little joys are the best?

haney66 | 0

#833632 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:40

no but night at the museum is.

By kmander93 | 0

#315642 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

you're ridiculous, though I would do the same

pickles256 | 0

#319367 - Friday 19 June 2009 3:55

i thought i was the only one.

minidinosaurgoes | 9

#2339968 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 21:27

^same

By halolord01 | 2

#315653 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:39

That is really sad, funny but sad. (I would probobly do somthing similar thow :)

By gdude756 | 0

#315656 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:40

All I can say is WOW

By musiclover81493 | 0

#315661 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:41

So a Night at the Museum Happy meal toy cost you how much in car damages? I hope it was worth it, but it's kinda understandable because those things are awesome ;).

By Failzoid | 0

#315664 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:41

YES

THAT IS AN EPIC PRIZE

By justdance45 | 0

#315667 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:42

wow.... thats sad

karllii | 0

#944252 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:44

wowowowo your sad:)

By TheCommenter | 0

#315670 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:43

Gotta love those little toys!

By littlemisslee | 0

#315672 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:44

Haha! That was pole-ar! Get it? Polar? Pole-ar? Polar means cool? Okay, i'm a nerd, too.

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816922 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:05

dingus