Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru....

By NotSoYoung - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

No one likes a smart-ass

Parental guilt

By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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10552

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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39552

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2586

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By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

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38162

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By Jen

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

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40785

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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29213

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By sam_666777 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

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40963

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By Jacklyn - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

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13731

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By qwerki4 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

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21017

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By HappyNewYearsToMeAndMyCat - Canada - Victoria

Today, I'm celebrating New Years with my cat. I made her a cake. FML

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31164

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6832

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By FIM

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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3241

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By Sir Vom-a-lot - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

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33555

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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34820

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By nowbrokevaper - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

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9275

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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11123

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1741

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML

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72840

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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25476

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By walkingdictionary - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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17590

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By ulring - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

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25340

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

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47097

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By Dom

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

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1837

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108

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

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28953

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By 'creep' - United States - Littleton

Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML

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45881

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

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55053

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By anon - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

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60054

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By that girl. - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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27388

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By FamilySecret - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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58655

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By Grossed_out - United States

Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the "gigantic massive dump" she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

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25127

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By bdsam

Yuck.

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

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4306

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By Username

Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML

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33277

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By thebickster - United States

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

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17526

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my coworker called me a liar when I said I've been to New York. This is the same psycho who honestly expects me to believe that she and Brad Pitt have a "thing" and that he secretly communicates with her through interviews on TV. FML

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26687

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By SeeMeInTheDark - United States

Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only was he meowing, he started to make loud cat noises that resembled a cat being run over by a car. He's gonna be my roommate for the rest of the year. FML

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31955

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

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49211

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By Sock_Muppet

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

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2301

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By Insane Guy - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25239

You deserved it

7812

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By biblepain - United States - Tucson

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36188

You deserved it

2204

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

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26477

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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29450

You deserved it

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By Salvation711 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9863

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By atalose - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, my college professor said that anyone who misses the final next week automatically fails, "even if their grandmother died." My grandmother, the woman who raised me, died last night and her funeral is next week. Same day as the final. Across the country. FML

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Top comments

By dracer | 0

#315641 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

The little joys are the best?

By kmander93 | 0

#315642 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

you're ridiculous, though I would do the same

COMMENTS

By noName123456 | 0

#315639 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:36

funny I'm a tard

easylazy | 0

#316021 - Thursday 18 June 2009 4:32

Don't worry--- it's probably worth more than your car anyway

suaveneanderthal | 0

#316530 - Thursday 18 June 2009 8:43

so i can't possibly imagine this happening to anyone. wow

flakes_fml | 0

#1821365 - Friday 10 December 2010 2:23

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816919 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:04

nobody cares if you're first you empty-headed octopus-fucker stop being such a dingbat

By dracer | 0

#315641 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

The little joys are the best?

haney66 | 0

#833632 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:40

no but night at the museum is.

By kmander93 | 0

#315642 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:37

you're ridiculous, though I would do the same

pickles256 | 0

#319367 - Friday 19 June 2009 3:55

i thought i was the only one.

minidinosaurgoes | 9

#2339968 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 21:27

^same

By halolord01 | 2

#315653 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:39

That is really sad, funny but sad. (I would probobly do somthing similar thow :)

By gdude756 | 0

#315656 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:40

All I can say is WOW

By musiclover81493 | 0

#315661 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:41

So a Night at the Museum Happy meal toy cost you how much in car damages? I hope it was worth it, but it's kinda understandable because those things are awesome ;).

By Failzoid | 0

#315664 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:41

YES

THAT IS AN EPIC PRIZE

By justdance45 | 0

#315667 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:42

wow.... thats sad

karllii | 0

#944252 - Sunday 14 March 2010 1:44

wowowowo your sad:)

By TheCommenter | 0

#315670 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:43

Gotta love those little toys!

By littlemisslee | 0

#315672 - Thursday 18 June 2009 2:44

Haha! That was pole-ar! Get it? Polar? Pole-ar? Polar means cool? Okay, i'm a nerd, too.

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816922 - Sunday 5 January 2014 0:05

dingus