Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses... - FML

By lemonjuice - United States

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

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lemonjuice tells us more :

There are very few Chinese restaurant areas, this was definitely the best for your dollar. Yeah I did try to explain myself but the manager as well as her mother and son came out to yell at me. I just couldn't deal with that while I had a migraine, I shouldn't have been there anyways, MSG often gives me migraines, so FML again.

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Time's up

How's your hovel?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mankato

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

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By Natalie - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

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By Obee - Canada

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By whatarethisss - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By oh no - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

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By yvon la moto - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

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By Le Dookie - United States - Sugar Land

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jasper

Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML

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By Soulara89 - United States - Orlando

The sad truth

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

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By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By cgold - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By socal000 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By potatoehead178 - United States - Fairfield

I should?

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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By dad - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Hush

Today, after 6 months of my baby sleeping 10 hours through the night, she's now going through sleep regression a week before I return to work. I'm now getting about 3 hours of broken sleep per night. FML

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By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

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By sisterlylove - United States - Hannibal

Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

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By agentile - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By 751920 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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By Jimseagoon

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

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By reluctant teacher - United States - Clarksville

School's out for summer, thank God!

Today, I had 15 teenagers literally laugh in my face when I asked them to be quiet. I'm a student teaching in a high school, which is the culmination of 2 years of my life and $20,000, and I might in fact actually hate doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Bye Bye Toast

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

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By xx-look-at-xx - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 14:02

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my wife got back from a "homesick" trip to NY State. She brought her boyfriend back with her. FML

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By criley - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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Top comments

By Callyn | 47

#40299 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:48

That blows. Why didn't you leave? WHen I get a migraine, nothing helps except lying down in a quiet, dark room.

By tehhotness | 0

#40302 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:49

since you were being kicked out anyway, you should have asked for "sucky sucky" and told her youd "love her long time"

COMMENTS

By Soak | 0

#40283 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:43

HAHAHAHAH Nice

Reply

7myname7 | 0

#981191 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:10

-_-

Reply

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#2323361 - Sunday 10 April 2011 5:08

lmao!!! I'm imagining this happening to homer on the simpsons

By Rawenkeke | 0

#40292 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:47

Hahahahaha! That is not cool at all tho!

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5830874 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:18

It's not like OP did it on purpose though.

By Callyn | 47

#40299 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:48

That blows. Why didn't you leave? WHen I get a migraine, nothing helps except lying down in a quiet, dark room.

By tehhotness | 0

#40302 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:49

since you were being kicked out anyway, you should have asked for "sucky sucky" and told her youd "love her long time"

Reply

qwertification | 0

#837381 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 8:21

lol #4 my friend (asian) does the love you long time cuz he likes joking around

Reply

Tejanoswhy | 19

#6670078 - Friday 12 August 2016 14:09

Search up love me long time by dizaster it's basically a diss track against asians

By mylifesucks_alot | 0

#40308 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:50

That sucks. Migraines are an AWFUL thing to contend with and knowing what those do to my friend who has a very serious migraine problem, I can assure you that I understand the last thing a person in that kind of pain wants to do is mock somebody else. Shame on this waitress for jumping to conclusions. You think it would have been obvious to her (or somebody else in the restaurant) that you were in horrible pain.

By amykillswitch | 0

#40322 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:57

hahahahah #4.

just get delivery from now on. when they show up at your door throw a bag of dog shit at them or something.

By captaingoldfish | 0

#40324 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:00

LMFAO #4

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#40326 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:02

HAHAHHA, i'm asian, but i can neva get sick and tired of asian jokes ... is that wrong?? LOL

ok, an asian guy with a boner runs str8 into a wall...what does he hurt????

HIS NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAOOOO. ok, mayb its not THAT funny, but still...lol

Reply

MissIndependent2_fml | 0

#978883 - Monday 12 April 2010 11:32

that should be a Jew really :P

Reply

laurawrs | 0

#1377564 - Thursday 9 September 2010 18:00

aw your pretty, aha funny

By proxay | 0

#40329 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:03

LMAO at OP

I m just trying to picture this whole thing in my head. Sucks, but funny as hell

By LittleMissMack | 0

#40337 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:08

Did you at least get your fortune cookie?

And when being kicked out, do you still have to pay? Free Chinese food? Yes.