Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses... - FML

By lemonjuice - United States

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

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lemonjuice tells us more :

There are very few Chinese restaurant areas, this was definitely the best for your dollar. Yeah I did try to explain myself but the manager as well as her mother and son came out to yell at me. I just couldn't deal with that while I had a migraine, I shouldn't have been there anyways, MSG often gives me migraines, so FML again.

Sick burn

Time's up

Chemical warfare

By Mortified - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

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By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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By blackberrybummer - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

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By Bden - United States

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

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By benjavel71 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By apparentlytoougly - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

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By secretagentsam00 - 31/3/2020 23:00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By cbarebo - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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By Tiana - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By Jen - United States

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

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By em from Cali - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

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By oops

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

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By NoctisMax - United States - Humble

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

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By workworkwork - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By AmberHavoc - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

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By Sleepdeprived - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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By the_pheasant66 - Ireland

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. When I got home to show my family, my little sister said, "That's so fake!" and tore it off my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I started a sport journalism degree. I was the only female out of 60 students. The lecturer started talking about how we should all aspire to become sports editors of national newspapers. Later, he said women have no chance of ever becoming sports editors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlton

Not now

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By buckid310 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By The Horrible Older Sister - United States - Phoenix

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By WishIWasADogMinder - Australia

Today, while making less than minimum wage at McDonalds, I had to dispose of a grown man's soiled underwear that he left on the bathroom floor under a pile of toilet paper. It isn't even the grossest thing I've seen in my six months of employment. FML

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By fuckthat! - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By petmosch

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By sen - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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Top comments

By Callyn | 47

#40299 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:48

That blows. Why didn't you leave? WHen I get a migraine, nothing helps except lying down in a quiet, dark room.

By tehhotness | 0

#40302 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:49

since you were being kicked out anyway, you should have asked for "sucky sucky" and told her youd "love her long time"

COMMENTS

By Soak | 0

#40283 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:43

HAHAHAHAH Nice

Reply

7myname7 | 0

#981191 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:10

-_-

Reply

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#2323361 - Sunday 10 April 2011 5:08

lmao!!! I'm imagining this happening to homer on the simpsons

By Rawenkeke | 0

#40292 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:47

Hahahahaha! That is not cool at all tho!

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5830874 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:18

It's not like OP did it on purpose though.

By Callyn | 47

#40299 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:48

That blows. Why didn't you leave? WHen I get a migraine, nothing helps except lying down in a quiet, dark room.

By tehhotness | 0

#40302 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:49

since you were being kicked out anyway, you should have asked for "sucky sucky" and told her youd "love her long time"

Reply

qwertification | 0

#837381 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 8:21

lol #4 my friend (asian) does the love you long time cuz he likes joking around

Reply

Tejanoswhy | 19

#6670078 - Friday 12 August 2016 14:09

Search up love me long time by dizaster it's basically a diss track against asians

By mylifesucks_alot | 0

#40308 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:50

That sucks. Migraines are an AWFUL thing to contend with and knowing what those do to my friend who has a very serious migraine problem, I can assure you that I understand the last thing a person in that kind of pain wants to do is mock somebody else. Shame on this waitress for jumping to conclusions. You think it would have been obvious to her (or somebody else in the restaurant) that you were in horrible pain.

By amykillswitch | 0

#40322 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 16:57

hahahahah #4.

just get delivery from now on. when they show up at your door throw a bag of dog shit at them or something.

By captaingoldfish | 0

#40324 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:00

LMFAO #4

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#40326 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:02

HAHAHHA, i'm asian, but i can neva get sick and tired of asian jokes ... is that wrong?? LOL

ok, an asian guy with a boner runs str8 into a wall...what does he hurt????

HIS NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAOOOO. ok, mayb its not THAT funny, but still...lol

Reply

MissIndependent2_fml | 0

#978883 - Monday 12 April 2010 11:32

that should be a Jew really :P

Reply

laurawrs | 0

#1377564 - Thursday 9 September 2010 18:00

aw your pretty, aha funny

By proxay | 0

#40329 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:03

LMAO at OP

I m just trying to picture this whole thing in my head. Sucks, but funny as hell

By LittleMissMack | 0

#40337 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:08

Did you at least get your fortune cookie?

And when being kicked out, do you still have to pay? Free Chinese food? Yes.