Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice...

By Anonymous - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Pay up

Motormouth

By madzlovesgee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

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By Not So Smart - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

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By Ariel_Mariaa - Canada

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

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By Arizonagirl - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

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By Alone - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By thelandofoz - United States

Today, I noticed that my clothes had shrunk. My mother seemed to be having trouble with the new washer and dryer so I tried to show her exactly how they work. After my explanation she said "I know how they work. I shrank your clothes to give you some incentive to lose all that belly you got." FML

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By crookedteeth - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By firefromherlips - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By Zooep

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By sadsexer23 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By Wolfrunner87 - Australia - Broadmeadows

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

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By ishweta56 - United States

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

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By bunnyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. You would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship. FML

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By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

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By lovehurts - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By surefeelslikelove

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

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By crazyautio - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML

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By Smirky - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

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By fuckfuck - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 08:01

Don't try this at home

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By ish - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

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By ambulancedriver - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 17:01

Masterchef 2020

Today, I invented a new fusion cuisine delicacy: cigarette-flavored apple sauce. The recipe? Cram so many apple pieces in a pot that they will burn on the bottom, even with plenty of water in it, then go away for 30 minutes and wonder what the bad smell is. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By Acesup111 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

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Top comments

By Thisismypchere | 8

#4437893 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:29

Haha, she might have thought it was funny and or cute so it may not be that big of a deal. But FYL anyway.

By globetrottter | 3

#4437894 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:29

Way to show her your 'nerves of steel' :)

COMMENTS

By Thisismypchere | 8

#4437893 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:29

Haha, she might have thought it was funny and or cute so it may not be that big of a deal. But FYL anyway.

iNewKid | 18

#4437910 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:43

He is her hero on socks!

Ugi | 26

#4437918 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:48

Agreed - everyone jumps at a surprise like that. Sounds like it was a good opportunity to me.

Although I guess the girly shrieking is not exactly ideal.

ladyLALAA | 28

#4438142 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 15:50

I'm sure the girl was quiet startled by the noise too, I think it's kind of cute. Imagine telling your kids about the first time you met! Good luck getting the girl, OP!

nado13579 | 12

#4439490 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 23:00

Aww I think that's kinda cute. :)

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4440706 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 3:41

I love this FML because Op used the word "nice" instead of "hott", or "sexy"

TheStoryOfWazza | 9

#4785619 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:05

Romantic.

By globetrottter | 3

#4437894 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:29

Way to show her your 'nerves of steel' :)

shayshayshazam | 14

#4438095 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 14:49

He was probably nervous talking to a pretty girl, and it made him twice as jumpy. But I'll definitely agree that it's an FML moment!

TheDrifter | 23

#4438123 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 15:26

If his nerves of steel failed, maybe she will be impressed by his buns of steel? He's down to either that or commendable pitch with his shriek to impress her.

Incredibly_Dope | 0

#4440236 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 1:35

Damn hooligans

By illoveyouu435 | 0

#4437896 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:30

That sucks, maybe if you see her again you can laugh about it together. Everyone deserves a second chance!

onlychildFTW | 33

#4439183 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 21:18

Hmm. It's normal to get startled. It's just not normal to jump into someone's lap

By syki | 22

#4437897 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 11:30

Well, guess that potential relationship went up in smoke.

wallandpiece | 16

#4438354 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 16:44

Not really. It was only some firecrackers.. I'm sure most people would jump if they exploded right behind them on a bus.. Although OP's reaction may have been slightly over the top.