Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read...

By Polmkk - 14/2/2019 15:00 - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Banished

Tidy your room

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By bluewatersify - 18/1/2010 14:23 - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

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By wetdreams - 5/2/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

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By 3,500 down - 7/5/2016 08:00 - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By La Guigne - 8/4/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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By Punphmelch - 26/3/2014 08:45 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 04:17 - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

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By coppervains - 22/2/2014 18:13 - United States - Livonia

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

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By other woman - 21/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2018 01:30

WTF?

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By sting - 6/12/2014 01:32 - United States - Valencia

Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML

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By lpara89 - 20/6/2017 00:00

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By fuundmental/// - 9/4/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By so racist - 25/6/2020 02:02

No, of course she's not…

Today, my mother burst into tears when I told her I was engaged. They were not tears of joy, however. She was crying because although she insists she’s "not" racist, she was crying because none of her grandchildren would be "pure." My fiancé is black. FML

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By Cassie - 21/5/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

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By UptoHERE - 4/2/2010 03:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

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By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By disappointmentafter4years - 12/4/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

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By smth - 6/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By brycepetrillo - 7/9/2013 16:08 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By bitchasshonky - 11/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 09:01 - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

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By Imdeadlmaokillme - 22/3/2016 20:47 - United Kingdom - Twickenham

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

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By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

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By HornyWife - 13/6/2020 02:02

Out of order

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

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By raiyne - 11/1/2011 13:34

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

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By Danny - 28/5/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

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By _SouthernClass_ - 29/8/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, my youngest child gave me the cold she had. I also started my period yesterday. Now I can’t stop coughing, and I feel like a human ketchup packet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By Jimseagoon - 3/9/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

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By thanks, dad... - 30/8/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

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By username - 19/5/2015 06:45 - United Kingdom - Leatherhead

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

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Top comments

By grant1023 | 5

#3062465 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:50

Whats it called on YouTube?

By Stylin_Since_97 | 10

#3062538 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:55

Welcome to San Francisco, California! His name is the Bush Man. Its the most mediocre yet the smartest money scam i have ever seen a hobo come up with. How odd. Mind Blown 0.o

COMMENTS

By grant1023 | 5

#3062465 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:50

Whats it called on YouTube?

aFatFuck | 0

#3062526 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:55

I've seen those videos on YouTue before! Prepare to be a star.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3062692 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:10

I can totally relate, op! That happened to me once too... But I didn't piss like a weeny...

Iamnotmyself | 17

#3062769 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:21

At least he wasn't like uncle Phil, he did some bad things behind that bush.

number0 | 8

#3062888 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:35

Pics or it didn't happen

Gourmet_Taco | 0

#3063438 - Monday 8 August 2011 12:25

Atleast you didn't beat around the bush. Cut straight to the wetting.

animalsrule2010 | 2

#3063980 - Monday 8 August 2011 15:21

try urban ninja

Maximus_Axiom | 7

#3065950 - Monday 8 August 2011 20:59

i bet fiftey bucks that it was in san francisco. bush man

fizzypop14 | 3

#3068022 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 3:49

yeah people get off on that stuff and so it gets a ton of views

JessGivsBesitos | 5

#3070256 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 10:55

Bush Man strikes again!!!

alycion | 38

#7769494 - Friday 15 February 2019 12:29

They like to do that right by where I park for hockey games. I’ve wasted more time sitting on my car laughing at people. I mean you see the camera right there. They wouldn’t be recording the crowds that far from the arena.

By BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3062478 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:51

Smile, you're on candid camera!

coolp3rson | 0

#3062757 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:20

Omg bushman?!?!

yomommma | 6

#3068625 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 5:34

That reminds me of Scary Movie.

By AaronTkr | 0

#3062513 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:53

OP needs to provide us with a link.

By Stylin_Since_97 | 10

#3062538 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:55

Welcome to San Francisco, California! His name is the Bush Man. Its the most mediocre yet the smartest money scam i have ever seen a hobo come up with. How odd. Mind Blown 0.o

awesomeooo3 | 0

#3062622 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:02

That's what I thought too! When I went to San Fran we saw Bush Man and it was absolutely HILARIOUS. He was making a fortune haha.

HeyLookJesus | 11

#3062704 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:11

You took the words right out of my mouth! Have you ever met the guy? Hes a pretty cool guy(:

vballer123456 | 0

#3062713 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:13

There is actually three of them they are all great guys

shutterbug1190 | 14

#3063070 - Monday 8 August 2011 10:24

Oh man I love bush man. Or men since there are more than one. My boyfriend almost peed his pants when I took him to the wharf and he scared him a few months ago. Ahhh good stuff. :)

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3063249 - Monday 8 August 2011 11:14

I'm considering leaving Scotland solely to meet this bush man

deadeyedex | 6

#3063271 - Monday 8 August 2011 11:19

Lol I love him once I saw him scare a asian and he almost did karate on him

Sarra88 | 4

#3064720 - Monday 8 August 2011 17:57

I saw him a couple weeks ago! That was the funniest thing to watch!

sunny25 | 1

#3066331 - Monday 8 August 2011 22:55

haha I've seen that hobo too, last time I went to San Fransisco (a week ago) he was there scaring people and a lot of people were recording:D

DReamBig24 | 0

#3067230 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:10

Haha that's exactly what I thought when I read that post! BUSH MAN!

maevers | 0

#3069011 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 6:55

I love your style!!!! ;)

nativepimp | 1

#3069016 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 6:56

bush man is creepy haha

Henry2 | 5

#3069094 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 7:15

Haha the bush man scared my girlfriend twice on the same street!

Gotrees | 0

#3069151 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 7:30

Bushman is freaking awesome.

Lolpizza_fml | 0

#3081370 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 23:33

Omg i saw him too! He then laughed at me and shook his money cup!! :O

By ElainaCutsYou | 0

#3062559 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:57

Glad I scared you!

chaps93 | 6

#3090155 - Friday 12 August 2011 3:52

Don't take the credit from Bushman!! He works hard;)

By Nevitt | 9

#3062561 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:57

should have had a V8

0pt1mus | 6

#3062767 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:21

That makes no sense at all

iJasper | 8

#3062839 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:30

Yeah, it does. It's a joke. -.-

sxe_beast | 11

#3062908 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:38

mispost

sydie5 | 12

#3067763 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 2:48

Win.

chocomilkshake | 5

#3745933 - Saturday 17 December 2011 17:36

I don't know why that made me laugh so much

By chuckychan | 8

#3062573 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:58

aim for the bushes

By kinkajoujennie | 0

#3062579 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:59

I've ran into the Bush man before down the SF wharf... He is stinky!!!

mom0_fml | 0

#4168283 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:56

nealy shit myself in front of my whole family

mom0_fml | 0

#4168285 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:56

nealy shit myself in front of my whole family

By marinus_fml | 19

#3062581 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:59

What did the sign say? Something like "caution, this sign has sharp edges"?

SmallTownCutie | 0

#3062726 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:17

Or, "Caution, there is a man in that bush"

By btown99909 | 0

#3062616 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:02

you just got punk'ed in 2 seconds!