By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:59 - United States - West Yellowstone

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

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Lockdown is driving us down

Incognito browsing

Roommate from hell

By Angela17

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

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By got any coupons? - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By everyonehatesme - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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By

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By karmavictim

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By YouWish - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

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By failure - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By flea-bitten - United States

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

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By calcstudent101 - 25/2/2021 11:03 - United States

"Destroy me completely, then throw me away"

Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML

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By Anonymous

Impossible

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

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By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By danman - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By Anonymous

Definitely done that

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

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By douchetard - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

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By woahitbechels - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

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By Stank

Today, my husband is going on his 5th consecutive day without a shower. He’s been working 16-hour shifts, and though I'm empathetic to his exhaustion, his foul body odor has overtaken the bedroom and his excretions have discolored his side of the bed. I fear the worst. FML

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, my new anti-social cat started rubbing on my leg. I thought she must be warming up to me. Then, I looked at my leg and saw she smeared poo all over my work pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML

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By moonstone15 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

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By Elayne Warthen

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By ForgottenSarahMarshall - United States - Aubrey

Today, I was creeping on an old coworker's Facebook and noticed they'd tagged my face in an old group photo as another girl. According to the comments, the girl they'd tagged me as thought it was her too. I worked there for two years and nobody mentioned the mistake. FML

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By HolyyMolyy

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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By skichick54 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

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By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

It's all in the timing

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

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By brsoxgirl - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By little nokken - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

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By jobless - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

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Top comments

By coius | 23

#7972479 - Thursday 18 February 2021 12:07

You should’ve had business insurance. Depending on the cause of the fire, you may be able to file with the homeowners insurance company since the loss occurred on their property.

By tounces7 | 27

#7972570 - Thursday 18 February 2021 19:14

Sounds like a lawsuit against whoever started the fire.

COMMENTS

By coius | 23

#7972479 - Thursday 18 February 2021 12:07

You should’ve had business insurance. Depending on the cause of the fire, you may be able to file with the homeowners insurance company since the loss occurred on their property.

By tounces7 | 27

#7972570 - Thursday 18 February 2021 19:14

Sounds like a lawsuit against whoever started the fire.

By SM79 | 2

#7972594 - Thursday 18 February 2021 20:32

How did you not have insurance on the tools you need to be able to work? How did the people you were working for not have insurance?

By peterblack67 | 9

#7972642 - Friday 19 February 2021 3:34

I'm not understanding why you didn't have all of your tools insured.

By chyiochan | 31

#7972724 - Friday 19 February 2021 12:42

You have insurance right? ...right? Even if you're a GC, your property should have been insured, OR the homeowners insurance would cover it.