Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the...

By almost - 22/8/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

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Holidays

Fear factor

Face value

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By kookoocatlady - 1/11/2016 04:31

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

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By anthony512 - 24/5/2013 16:08 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after a sleepless night, I fell asleep at my work desk. When I awoke, I found my co-workers had duct taped me to my chair. I was yelling at them to untape me, when our boss came in, scolded me for fucking about on the job, and left without saying a word to my colleagues. FML

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By tryscal - 12/7/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

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By Sky - 25/7/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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By babylove - 11/4/2014 21:58 - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2016 17:54 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

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By nick - 28/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By nickrick12 - 19/7/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, as a 1 year anniversary present, my boyfriend let me see and wear my engagement ring. He then made me give it back at the end of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

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By that1guy - 14/3/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By disappointment - 5/6/2018 15:00

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - 7/3/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

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By inthefamily - 23/10/2012 13:29 - United States - Washington

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

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By KatieB - 4/4/2012 21:11 - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2014 16:27 - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

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By Sick - 1/1/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By FML136969 - 5/5/2013 23:30 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

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By SezzyJ - 2/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By gwengas - 30/7/2014 06:51 - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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By ollie - 26/9/2018 13:30

Today, I spent 30 minutes listening to my crush complain about a stalker that's been sending her flowers and love poems almost every week. It's me. FML

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By no_hullabalo - 4/9/2009 14:50 - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By bummer - 25/11/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By DevilsTemptation - 29/8/2019 02:01 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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By hugedissapointment - 9/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

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By Disrespectful - 18/1/2017 09:01

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 04:14 - United States

Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

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By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By story of my life. - 21/2/2009 14:33 - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

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By camerashyguy - 20/9/2014 03:14 - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 16:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

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By cockblocked - 11/5/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

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Top comments

By anAmericanGuy50505 | 6

#7528609 - Friday 11 August 2017 20:15

Hey, it could've broke a few seconds AFTER it started... then you'd have a real FML...

By exileonmainst | 16

#7532583 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 16:58

Wow, what an emotional roller coaster!

Comments

By anAmericanGuy50505 | 6

#7528609 - Friday 11 August 2017 20:15

Hey, it could've broke a few seconds AFTER it started... then you'd have a real FML...

By Gaston Nieves | 1

#7532571 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 16:08

Well i had to ride "Rock it" in orlando florida while a thunderstorm started. The radar never showed it and the staff were so scared after we finish

By exileonmainst | 16

#7532583 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 16:58

Wow, what an emotional roller coaster!

By Talented73 | 54

#7532657 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 21:00

That's the breaks, OP.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7532665 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 21:14

So, you ruined it for everyone else?

You may want to lay off the fried Twinkies, big boy.

By pizza_princess | 5

#7532687 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 22:44

this coulda been-
today, I waited 75 minutes to get on a roller coaster. it broke a few seconds after I got on. I was in the hospital for the rest of the day. FML.

By aik | 14

#7532705 - Tuesday 22 August 2017 23:28

had the same thing happen to me back in January.

By hunterseal | 18

#7532731 - Wednesday 23 August 2017 1:17

At least you didn't wait that long to die

By Sketi1 | 7

#7532745 - Wednesday 23 August 2017 2:06

just be thankful it didn't break a few seconds after it started!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7534006 - Saturday 26 August 2017 4:15

Another reason I won't ride those damn things. But they should give you some sort of note/pass for the next time you visit that would enable you to jump to the front of the line for the inconvenience.