Intimacy: Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my...

By Handblocked - 04/09/2018 06:00

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 286

You deserved it 587

Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Ungrateful

Stand up guy

By anonymous - 26/03/2015 03:43 - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 861

You deserved it 2 909

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 10:43 - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 378

You deserved it 9 507

By Nick - 13/05/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 281

You deserved it 37 505

By Anonymous - 18/07/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. During a three hour car ride. With my friends in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 951

You deserved it 3 870

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 161

You deserved it 5 724

Mommy's bravest little boy

By Anonymous - 19/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 297

By Oihana - 01/08/2015 03:30 - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 352

You deserved it 1 995

Damn squares!

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 17:01

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 319

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 05:01

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 835

You deserved it 7 034

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 689

You deserved it 3 124

By crazycatlady1890 - 02/05/2019 18:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I finished a full marathon and just wanted to relax and get pampered by my husband afterwards. Instead, I spent the evening taking care of him and his back because he had a spasm. Don't worry, he feels much better now. Meanwhile, I can’t move my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 695

You deserved it 434

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 02:53 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 472

You deserved it 2 195

Egg mode

By KillahCam - 26/01/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 039

You deserved it 2 581

By anxious spaghetti - 03/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 673

You deserved it 444

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 05:16 - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 125

You deserved it 21 137

By 2ndchoice - 12/12/2009 15:47 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend's name instead of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 885

You deserved it 2 906

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 01/12/2021 01:58

Today, my husband has been isolating for 6 days in our bedroom, with me sleeping in the spare room, since his positive COVID test. I found instructions for how to fake the positive result on our shared iPad. He lied to get out of work, my birthday, and my parents' anniversary party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 208

By oops - 08/08/2011 18:11 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 513

You deserved it 3 745

By Pissed - 05/10/2011 15:29 - Australia

Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 673

You deserved it 8 365

By GavinHosler - 29/01/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad, which is one of my roommate's names, when I came. Now her and her friends think I'm gay, and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 694

You deserved it 33 693

By Anonymous - 26/08/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 345

You deserved it 732

By Failure - 22/05/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 512

You deserved it 2 108

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 209

You deserved it 4 651

Holiday assumptions

By Red Toad - 26/12/2020 20:59 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I said a few words to my mom that happened to be similar to something offensive, and she misheard. I tried to tell her, but she was so angry that she assumed I was saying more offensive things. Now she is punishing everybody in the house, and I’m not allowed to speak to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 104

By Anonymous - 23/03/2016 14:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 728

You deserved it 2 831

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, I was riding in my friend's car. We passed by a group of cute guys standing by the curb with their skateboards so we slowed down to whistle at them. We then noticed the ambulance taking their friend away on a stretcher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 459

You deserved it 37 342

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 735

You deserved it 71 625

By bym5052 - 15/07/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 801

You deserved it 14 527

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 02:04

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 692

You deserved it 403

By Anonymous - 28/01/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I found out that I have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week, due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding. Oh, yeah, and he's in my bridal party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 924

You deserved it 2 677

By bethany - 03/11/2011 17:36 - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 525

You deserved it 3 555

A slight hiccup

By maddie - 14/03/2021 21:30

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 39

By MyLyfeSux - 25/09/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 904

You deserved it 53 852

Close-Knit Family

By Bleached_Eyes - 02/04/2018 00:00 - United States - Pikesville

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 518

You deserved it 640

Oh, hi Mark!

By DepressedKid - 01/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 239

You deserved it 3 726

By atleastwedidntdie - 02/09/2017 23:15

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 478

You deserved it 278

By notababymama - 07/02/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 895

You deserved it 3 579

By inalotofpain - 16/04/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 412

You deserved it 3 898

By simon - 11/01/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 186

You deserved it 522

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Top comments

Leeono 26

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Wednesday 29 August 2018 13:54

Talk about a buzz kill.

Sinshine 27

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 September 2018 6:05

That's just rude of her. At least call before inviting yourself over. And fucking ring the doorbell instead of just walking into a place you don't own.

Leeono 26

Send a private message

Wednesday 29 August 2018 13:54

Talk about a buzz kill.

blightsight 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 September 2018 6:48

hah. buzz

Sinshine 27

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 September 2018 6:05

That's just rude of her. At least call before inviting yourself over. And fucking ring the doorbell instead of just walking into a place you don't own.