Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful...

By tittyboomboom - 24/3/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

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Transportation

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Time for the ER

Property law

By rocks_hurt - 16/8/2018 13:00

Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML

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By turtles_yup - 3/12/2015 05:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - 16/7/2015 06:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By ug - 8/7/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

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By anonymous - 14/7/2012 05:06 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML

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By J.Smith - 15/1/2009 16:12 - France

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

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By popeye - 25/2/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By fmylifeee - 27/9/2019 04:00

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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By lovedoesnotexist - 24/9/2015 11:52 - Belgium

Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 20:00

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 22:00

And now, on Judge Judy

Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past 6 months. My name's on the lease. FML

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By TooFlamingHot - 14/1/2016 02:08 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

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By Michelle - 3/8/2011 06:01 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML

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By couldntholdit - 12/7/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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By Loserman67 - 1/4/2017 12:00

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

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By Jamie - 13/8/2009 17:21 - Denmark

Today, I got my first facebook friend request in 4 months. I also got a message in my inbox. The message said: "Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Just ignore my friend request." FML

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By kal - 28/2/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By blonde moment - 23/6/2019 14:23

Today, while talking to a friend, I momentarily forgot the word for archery and instead called it, “Bow-and-Arrow Jutsu.” FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 27/7/2015 09:25 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 11:16 - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 07:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By Academia - 18/8/2011 08:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 07:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 05:18 - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

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By anonymouschicka - 1/8/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By Pants-Girl - 24/11/2019 08:00 - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2017 02:00

Today, my dog was diagnosed with a torn ACL. This costs $1500-$2500 to treat. Three months ago, he had heart worms. That cost $1400 to treat. I adopted this dog from a shelter four months ago to help relieve some of my stress and anxiety. I don't feel any less stressed or anxious. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2013 10:51 - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

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By hell no! - 25/7/2019 04:00

Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable to give herself a part in our upcoming wedding. She wants to "give" him away to me, the same way a father does to a bride. Apparently, I'm being unreasonable and selfish for denying her request. My fiancé told me to at least think about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

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By Celeste - 2/3/2010 09:14 - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6566462 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

By Silverfeathery | 21

#6566463 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6566462 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

kaylocca | 20

#6566631 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:26

Lol it could've got way worse than a toe too.

themostunlucky_fml | 14

#6566656 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:55

His "toe"

By Silverfeathery | 21

#6566463 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

By easilyboredone | 8

#6566464 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

That would have been a good time to bite down and teach him not to stick his finger in other people's mouths.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6566472 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:28

I hope you kicked him a new hole between his legs afterwards. Then he can finger himself all he wants.

TreeBeard123 | 5

#6566521 - Thursday 24 March 2016 18:32

That's a nasty image

Ilayda_fml | 12

#6566713 - Thursday 24 March 2016 22:08

Good one ???

By BlackHawkSavior | 28

#6566473 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:30

If you liked it then you should've put a finger in it, if you liked it then you should've put a finger in it

By Laphog | 17

#6566479 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:33

I always do that after I eat KFC, I mean why would I put my dirty greasy chicken fingers in my own mouth ?

HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6566657 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:57

Remember to think before you type - Mom.

ButtStallion2k16 | 10

#6566796 - Friday 25 March 2016 0:23

I don't see what's with the downvotes

By TommyGun85 | 19

#6566482 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:38

YES!! yawn rape, that'll teach you to have some manners and cover your mouth next time. Have fun doing it to the next person.

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6566678 - Thursday 24 March 2016 21:31

Did you miss the part where OP said "before I could cover my mouth"

TommyGun85 | 19

#6566844 - Friday 25 March 2016 1:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6566974 - Friday 25 March 2016 4:45

50- when you're really tired they can catch you by surprise... Maybe her hands were full or busy. Maybe you're just a jerk. I guess we'll never know

Foxfire15 | 15

#6567032 - Friday 25 March 2016 6:37

50, If some stranger put their fingers in my mouth because I yawned, I would beat the tar out of them. It's gross and rude. It's not the job of random strangers the be the etiquette police.

By LostCosmo | 5

#6566484 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:39

Did you thank him?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6566485 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:39

He really stuck it to ya...

By Calingaladha | 21

#6566487 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:43

I thought for a moment "Yeah, should have bitten them"...but anyone who does that to a stranger is too gross to risk biting.