Transportation: Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful...

By tittyboomboom - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

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Transportation

Understandable

Dementia or hate? You decide

Does this smell weird?

By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Omar Khalaf

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

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By Accident-prone af - 7/7/2020 20:02

Kitchen nightmares

Today, while making milkshakes, I was pouring and the blender's blades all fell out somehow. I don't know what's worse, that I sliced my finger open when the blades fell out and now there's blood all over, that there's now melted ice cream all over my counter and floor, or that I just wasted an entire tub of ice cream. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

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By Fish - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Weirdo alert

Today, while running, a man ran up next to me and started jogging with me. He asked if he could run with me and I said yes. Later, when I told him I was going home, he followed me home. When I asked him to leave, he sat down on my lawn in protest. He has been there for over 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

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By pritch44 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By Anonymous

That devil water

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

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By booo - United States - Minden

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

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By notsexy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

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By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Scandalous!

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

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By mariana - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By niquey62307 - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

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By vistingherfamily - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

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By GiveADogABone - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

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By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By sue

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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Strange flight

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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By ihatemyjob - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

No, it's not a cult, not at all

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

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By Noname - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By ADT - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

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By HadToApologize - United States

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

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By life101 - 19/10/2020 13:56

PMS FTW

Today, I realized how emotional I get around my time of month when I cried because a cheese commercial was so "touching." FML

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By Username - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

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By mr_flarpin - United States - Stoneham

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6566462 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

By Silverfeathery | 21

#6566463 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6566462 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

kaylocca | 20

#6566631 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:26

Lol it could've got way worse than a toe too.

themostunlucky_fml | 14

#6566656 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:55

His "toe"

By Silverfeathery | 21

#6566463 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

By easilyboredone | 8

#6566464 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

That would have been a good time to bite down and teach him not to stick his finger in other people's mouths.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6566472 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:28

I hope you kicked him a new hole between his legs afterwards. Then he can finger himself all he wants.

TreeBeard123 | 5

#6566521 - Thursday 24 March 2016 18:32

That's a nasty image

Ilayda_fml | 12

#6566713 - Thursday 24 March 2016 22:08

Good one ???

By BlackHawkSavior | 28

#6566473 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:30

If you liked it then you should've put a finger in it, if you liked it then you should've put a finger in it

By Laphog | 17

#6566479 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:33

I always do that after I eat KFC, I mean why would I put my dirty greasy chicken fingers in my own mouth ?

HerWrongHole247 | 18

#6566657 - Thursday 24 March 2016 20:57

Remember to think before you type - Mom.

ButtStallion2k16 | 10

#6566796 - Friday 25 March 2016 0:23

I don't see what's with the downvotes

By TommyGun85 | 19

#6566482 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:38

YES!! yawn rape, that'll teach you to have some manners and cover your mouth next time. Have fun doing it to the next person.

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6566678 - Thursday 24 March 2016 21:31

Did you miss the part where OP said "before I could cover my mouth"

TommyGun85 | 19

#6566844 - Friday 25 March 2016 1:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6566974 - Friday 25 March 2016 4:45

50- when you're really tired they can catch you by surprise... Maybe her hands were full or busy. Maybe you're just a jerk. I guess we'll never know

Foxfire15 | 15

#6567032 - Friday 25 March 2016 6:37

50, If some stranger put their fingers in my mouth because I yawned, I would beat the tar out of them. It's gross and rude. It's not the job of random strangers the be the etiquette police.

By LostCosmo | 5

#6566484 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:39

Did you thank him?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6566485 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:39

He really stuck it to ya...

By Calingaladha | 21

#6566487 - Thursday 24 March 2016 17:43

I thought for a moment "Yeah, should have bitten them"...but anyone who does that to a stranger is too gross to risk biting.