Transportation: Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful...

By tittyboomboom - 24/03/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 872

You deserved it 2 032

Transportation

Broken heart

Stranded

Overreach

By fd_uplife - 05/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 342

You deserved it 4 225

By Deaf and Dumb - 23/05/2017 18:00

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 965

You deserved it 577

By TooFast - 21/07/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 155

By tracie - 22/09/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 551

You deserved it 4 983

By Yocherrypicker - 29/07/2016 01:04

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 150

You deserved it 5 930

The rest of us had already figured this out

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Today, after reading more FMLs than I'd care to count, I think I've finally realised that the world isn't made up up of mostly competent and intelligent people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 129

By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 319

You deserved it 1 622

By D - 09/09/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 172

You deserved it 4 812

Waste of time

By I'mmessedup - 29/09/2021 22:59

Today, after weeks of every excuse not to, my wife wanted sex. It was amazing, and she had at least 3 orgasms. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up like someone kicked her and started bitching about all the things she could have been doing, as she got dressed and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 211

By TrashGirl - 24/06/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 887

You deserved it 368

Pay up

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped and hit my head on a rock, perforating my eardrum. That rock also broke. It was a €3000 headstone I now have to pay for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 90

By Ulysse - 23/11/2008 16:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my new electric razor. I tried it, and washed it. I started to shake it, in order to get rid of the water. It was pretty slippy, and it exploded on the floor of my bathroom. The warranty doesn't cover this, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 959

You deserved it 8 548

By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 166

You deserved it 6 833

The opposite of a good idea

By gorokhan2 - 27/04/2020 17:00

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 4 177

Ever Given

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 20:00 - United States - Elverson

Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 255

He Tried?

By Liz - 06/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 762

You deserved it 753

By deuceaddict - 03/11/2017 21:00

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 680

You deserved it 278

By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 605

You deserved it 5 663

By Anonymous - 14/04/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 248

You deserved it 380

By badwife - 07/11/2009 10:22 - Japan

Today, my husband left his cell phone at home. I looked through his contacts and found a person named "The Bitch." Being a very curious person, I decided to call "The Bitch" to see who it was. My phone rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 279

You deserved it 17 297

By Still Waiting - 16/08/2016 18:54 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 739

You deserved it 994

By Anonymous - 26/04/2015 07:09 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 868

You deserved it 2 936

By preggo - 04/12/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 903

You deserved it 4 163

By apaterra - 07/11/2015 14:14 - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 316

You deserved it 1 510

By bass - 22/09/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 388

You deserved it 2 889

Overreaction Man

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 23:00

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He told me not to worry, he’d pay child support until it’s 18, and he’d be moved out of our flat by Friday. When I asked him why, he told me not to be stupid, no way was he being trapped into raising a kid. He didn’t even ask if it was a boy or girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 608

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 436

You deserved it 5 131

Admission time

By peeoncarl1111 - 29/01/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 465

You deserved it 120 360

By anonymous - 24/04/2013 04:55 - Germany

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 552

You deserved it 3 618

Laundry Day

By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04 - United States

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 227

You deserved it 1 448

Devil parents

By Pandaling - 26/01/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 655

You deserved it 121

By hockey - 26/11/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 5 463

By tomtomcutiepoof - 13/03/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 700

You deserved it 7 564

By Jennifer - 20/01/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 118

You deserved it 10 618

By Anonymous - 12/08/2014 00:34 - United States - Columbus

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 421

You deserved it 4 879

By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 894

You deserved it 35 331

By Daddy Tyrone - 17/09/2018 03:30

Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 091

You deserved it 721

By Imaman - 28/05/2011 04:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 774

You deserved it 4 471

By FUCK - 22/07/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 226

You deserved it 10 856

Creepy Uncle Dave

By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/06/2019 20:00

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 666

You deserved it 201

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Top comments

Steve95401 49

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

Silverfeathery 21

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

Steve95401 49

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:23

At least it was just his finger.

kaylocca 20

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Thursday 24 March 2016 20:26

Lol it could've got way worse than a toe too.

themostunlucky_fml 14

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Thursday 24 March 2016 20:55

His "toe"

Silverfeathery 21

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

Better hope it was clean

easilyboredone 8

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:24

That would have been a good time to bite down and teach him not to stick his finger in other people's mouths.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:28

I hope you kicked him a new hole between his legs afterwards. Then he can finger himself all he wants.

TreeBeard123 5

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Thursday 24 March 2016 18:32

That's a nasty image

Ilayda_fml 12

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Thursday 24 March 2016 22:08

Good one ???

BlackHawkSavior 28

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:30

If you liked it then you should've put a finger in it, if you liked it then you should've put a finger in it

Laphog 17

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:33

I always do that after I eat KFC, I mean why would I put my dirty greasy chicken fingers in my own mouth ?

HerWrongHole247 18

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Thursday 24 March 2016 20:57

Remember to think before you type - Mom.

ButtStallion2k16 10

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Friday 25 March 2016 0:23

I don't see what's with the downvotes

TommyGun85 19

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Thursday 24 March 2016 17:38

YES!! yawn rape, that'll teach you to have some manners and cover your mouth next time. Have fun doing it to the next person.

domolovesyoshi 33

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Thursday 24 March 2016 21:31

Did you miss the part where OP said "before I could cover my mouth"

TommyGun85 19

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Friday 25 March 2016 1:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Friday 25 March 2016 4:45

50- when you're really tired they can catch you by surprise... Maybe her hands were full or busy. Maybe you're just a jerk. I guess we'll never know

Foxfire15 15

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Friday 25 March 2016 6:37

50, If some stranger put their fingers in my mouth because I yawned, I would beat the tar out of them. It's gross and rude. It's not the job of random strangers the be the etiquette police.