Miscellaneous: Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that...

By me - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Dementia or hate? You decide

By mike oxsmall - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Oh, thanks…

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

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By mog907 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a 2nd degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML

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By poorgirl - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

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By anon - United States - Pasadena

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By unwantedforlife - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I lost my virginity. We did it on the floor in my step-sister's room, and the entire time he kept pushing my head into the carpet. I lost my V-card but gained rug burn on my face that looks like a fatal disease. FML

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By spoony - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By prisonbitch - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By Alex Xavier

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By eww657 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

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By brandiboobarry

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By legotron - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

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By makeitstop - Canada

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By John-John - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

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By gracie511

Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

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By Heethersays - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By Anonymous - Malawi

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

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By lolu - United States

Today, my friends threw me a Halloween themed party for my sweet sixteen. When I arrived, one of my friends jumped out from behind the door, dressed as Michael Myers. I peed myself in front of everyone I knew. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By ScottyB - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

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By acincollege - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

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By KaRaSu - France

Today, whilst doing it with my girlfriend she goes :"are you done any time soon?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 16:58 - United States

Roadkill

Today, I saw maggots dropping from beneath my car. I looked under, to see a rotting paw dangling from my engine. That would explain the smell. FML

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Top comments

By friedpwnadge | 25

#5435327 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:23

The school system is bad and it should feel bad!

By MarisaCB | 16

#5435334 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

This is why school boards annoy me. Stuff like this.

COMMENTS

By friedpwnadge | 25

#5435327 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:23

The school system is bad and it should feel bad!

Examine | 7

#5435371 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:32

What a shitty situation

klaralynn | 17

#5435465 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:39

goddamn school board..

ColCyclone | 17

#5435479 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:47

Jesse! We have to cook!

gc327072 | 29

#5435483 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:49

…Walt Junior breakfast.

perdix | 29

#5435504 - Friday 5 April 2013 5:06

The school system is Breaking Bad and it should feel Breaking Bad.

sarah6786 | 14

#5435528 - Friday 5 April 2013 5:24

Using that logic the man that plays his role should be in prison for making meth.

ladyLALAA | 28

#5435630 - Friday 5 April 2013 7:15

Jesse... Jesse... Jesse... We play a drinking game where we have a shot every time Walt says his name. If you wanna get plastered I recommend it!

friedpwnadge | 25

#5435703 - Friday 5 April 2013 9:03

I didn't think it was possible, but Perdix has won the Internet.

Sandman366 | 6

#5436143 - Friday 5 April 2013 17:03

75-Doesn't that happen weekly or something?

ilovedinosawers | 17

#5436199 - Friday 5 April 2013 18:13

An I the only one who read that in Zoidberg's voice? Need a better school system? Why not Zoidberg?

irgndsondepp | 15

#5461605 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 15:25

It can't be that bad, if they know the show...

heyyyaubrey | 9

#5842085 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 19:28

uhhh no. his comment was stupid

By young_weezy_fml | 3

#5435330 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

a little defensive no?

23Z9TZO | 18

#5435668 - Friday 5 April 2013 7:56

"I had the style first, dammit!"

By MarisaCB | 16

#5435334 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

This is why school boards annoy me. Stuff like this.

namyo | 13

#5435683 - Friday 5 April 2013 8:19

Triangular flapjacks have been banned in some schools because they 'can be dangerous'

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5436047 - Friday 5 April 2013 15:56

You've gotta be careful! Those sharp corners can be hazardous.

By chosenblades | 8

#5435345 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:26

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MrSassypants | 32

#5435471 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:41

I see that you were trying to reference another FML but it could have been worded better.

By im_joking | 11

#5435348 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:27

Honesty is the best policy!!

By BadApple88 | 29

#5435351 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:27

I hate teachers with no sense of humor

By mattlw | 25

#5435354 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:29

It's a good thing you didn't make a "finger gun" and point it at somebody. That would have gotten you expelled!

By amDes | 11

#5435358 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:29

He probably was mad because he really is cooking meth and thought you caught him

By akiahara | 14

#5435361 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:30

My, what a perfectly logical sequence of events...

By NickaPLZ | 26

#5435369 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:32

FYL, indeed. A small meaningless comment turned into a suspension. That legitimately sucks. I feel your pain.