Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that...

By me - 4/4/2013 20:07 - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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Miscellaneous

Who's a good boy?

Insane parents

Assumptions

By braceforcarnage - 2/12/2014 15:42 - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

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By socialbanana - 19/12/2016 02:13 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By thisreallyhappened - 15/5/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By Buggy - 12/12/2017 18:30 - United States - Atmore

Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

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By daughter - 5/8/2012 07:49 - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By anon - 30/8/2015 06:20 - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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By campmom - 8/7/2009 05:02

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By Ayeya - 4/6/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

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By pencilring - 4/9/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

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By badmom - 25/2/2012 11:25 - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

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By dad, please - 16/5/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

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By Why - 3/9/2015 19:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

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By city_girl - 4/2/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 14:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked how I could go to the bathroom and leave my tampon in at the same time. He didn't realize there are two separate holes. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 10:36 - South Africa

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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By FuglyBetty - 13/11/2014 16:44 - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By single lady - 15/8/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

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By bucktooth - 26/4/2012 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By loveloves154 - 30/3/2018 15:00

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 21:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML

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By yawning - 1/2/2011 20:14 - Australia

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

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By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2019 06:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Be careful what you post on the Internet…

Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days-old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML

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By Richard - 25/6/2012 03:03 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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By suckmeoff - 12/4/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 12:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

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By HiRveryone - 5/3/2018 19:08 - United States - Centre

Today, I had to be the designated driver for my mom and aunt. While driving them home, my aunt threw up on the car floor and my mom peed her pants, leaving a puddle in the seat. It was my car. FML

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By thegirlofthedad - 29/1/2013 09:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By anonymous - 30/10/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 09:41 - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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Top comments

By friedpwnadge | 25

#5435327 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:23

The school system is bad and it should feel bad!

By MarisaCB | 16

#5435334 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

This is why school boards annoy me. Stuff like this.

COMMENTS

By friedpwnadge | 25

#5435327 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:23

The school system is bad and it should feel bad!

Examine | 7

#5435371 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:32

What a shitty situation

klaralynn | 17

#5435465 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:39

goddamn school board..

ColCyclone | 17

#5435479 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:47

Jesse! We have to cook!

gc327072 | 29

#5435483 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:49

…Walt Junior breakfast.

perdix | 29

#5435504 - Friday 5 April 2013 5:06

The school system is Breaking Bad and it should feel Breaking Bad.

sarah6786 | 14

#5435528 - Friday 5 April 2013 5:24

Using that logic the man that plays his role should be in prison for making meth.

ladyLALAA | 28

#5435630 - Friday 5 April 2013 7:15

Jesse... Jesse... Jesse... We play a drinking game where we have a shot every time Walt says his name. If you wanna get plastered I recommend it!

friedpwnadge | 25

#5435703 - Friday 5 April 2013 9:03

I didn't think it was possible, but Perdix has won the Internet.

Sandman366 | 6

#5436143 - Friday 5 April 2013 17:03

75-Doesn't that happen weekly or something?

ilovedinosawers | 17

#5436199 - Friday 5 April 2013 18:13

An I the only one who read that in Zoidberg's voice? Need a better school system? Why not Zoidberg?

irgndsondepp | 15

#5461605 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 15:25

It can't be that bad, if they know the show...

heyyyaubrey | 9

#5842085 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 19:28

uhhh no. his comment was stupid

By young_weezy_fml | 3

#5435330 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

a little defensive no?

23Z9TZO | 18

#5435668 - Friday 5 April 2013 7:56

"I had the style first, dammit!"

By MarisaCB | 16

#5435334 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:24

This is why school boards annoy me. Stuff like this.

namyo | 13

#5435683 - Friday 5 April 2013 8:19

Triangular flapjacks have been banned in some schools because they 'can be dangerous'

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5436047 - Friday 5 April 2013 15:56

You've gotta be careful! Those sharp corners can be hazardous.

By chosenblades | 8

#5435345 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MrSassypants | 32

#5435471 - Friday 5 April 2013 4:41

I see that you were trying to reference another FML but it could have been worded better.

By im_joking | 11

#5435348 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:27

Honesty is the best policy!!

By BadApple88 | 29

#5435351 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:27

I hate teachers with no sense of humor

By mattlw | 25

#5435354 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:29

It's a good thing you didn't make a "finger gun" and point it at somebody. That would have gotten you expelled!

By amDes | 11

#5435358 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:29

He probably was mad because he really is cooking meth and thought you caught him

By akiahara | 14

#5435361 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:30

My, what a perfectly logical sequence of events...

By NickaPLZ | 26

#5435369 - Friday 5 April 2013 3:32

FYL, indeed. A small meaningless comment turned into a suspension. That legitimately sucks. I feel your pain.