Animals: Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 516

You deserved it 142

14/05/2009 17:46

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 026

You deserved it 104 151

Dysfunctional

The smell detective is on the case

Furry family

11/03/2010 02:48

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 144

You deserved it 4 237

29/08/2009 23:36

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 389

You deserved it 3 856

11/09/2015 23:50

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 378

You deserved it 1 829

Weird accusation, lady

By wrong state for that shit - 22/08/2020 04:48

Spicy

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 049

You deserved it 100

05/04/2009 21:39

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 267

You deserved it 284 686

25/09/2013 21:33

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 115

You deserved it 7 038

Monday blues

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 11:02

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 66

08/03/2013 21:22

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 059

You deserved it 5 551

19/11/2008 04:58

Spicy

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 926

You deserved it 4 889

It means us! Look at us!

By Squeak - 07/02/2017 19:00

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 668

You deserved it 1 578

24/12/2012 21:06

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 485

You deserved it 3 738

29/06/2013 10:01

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 693

You deserved it 3 396

19/01/2016 17:03

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 156

You deserved it 1 500

Take the compliment

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 17:01

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 404

They hated her because she spoke the truth

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 06:01

Today, I threw a pillow at my 8 year-old cousin while play-fighting. She gave me a look, then muttered, "You don't have any girlfriends and the girls that talk to you probably have no taste." FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 85

09/09/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 310

You deserved it 7 734

14/04/2009 20:40

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 240

You deserved it 54 572

27/07/2015 02:02

Spicy

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 209

You deserved it 3 268

27/12/2013 06:40

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 938

You deserved it 3 495

03/07/2015 21:29

Spicy

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 206

You deserved it 2 256

04/04/2018 01:30

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 337

You deserved it 671

You tried

By Anonymous - 24/08/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my wife finally agreed to try anal. Unfortunately, it was too hot in the apartment so I couldn't focus and I kept going soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 511

11/01/2010 13:43

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 541

You deserved it 3 541

02/02/2016 22:25

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 49

08/01/2011 01:59

Today, I found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child "George" if it was a boy. It was her first love's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 768

You deserved it 2 695

17/03/2014 09:51

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 967

You deserved it 4 105

22/04/2017 22:00

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 369

You deserved it 789

10/03/2013 02:05

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 133

You deserved it 4 036

10/08/2010 16:34

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 376

You deserved it 6 891

Like a virgin

By JustSomeGuy - 30/07/2013 03:43

Spicy

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 951

You deserved it 9 593

05/08/2010 23:24

Spicy

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 736

You deserved it 42 291

09/10/2009 09:46

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 990

You deserved it 10 750

03/04/2009 20:48

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 757

You deserved it 3 367

04/01/2015 00:23

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 314

You deserved it 7 317

02/06/2015 21:30

Today, I went to get my car washed at one of those places where you can watch through the glass. I watched in horror, face pressed against the glass, as my car went through with the window down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 020

You deserved it 15 907

15/04/2013 04:32

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 752

You deserved it 5 538

03/07/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 297

21/10/2011 11:37

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 032

You deserved it 13 765

20/04/2014 17:21

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 540

You deserved it 4 866

08/02/2013 22:38

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 363

You deserved it 3 294

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:03

Scared shitless?

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:04

YDI Dont fuck around with your cat like that.

Comments

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:03

Scared shitless?

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Tuesday 25 May 2010 0:14

1# win11!!

victoria4161993 0

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Tuesday 8 June 2010 3:00

you scared the shit out of your cat

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Saturday 12 June 2010 16:58

"I thought it would be funny to..." Yeah, I can tell just by that sentence that YDI

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Sunday 18 July 2010 15:56

I did that to a dog once

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Saturday 4 September 2010 9:06

karma, amirite?

HahaHillarious1 0

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Tuesday 12 April 2011 4:11

lol'ed at this comment!! but op thts wat u deserve. dont scare ur cat. tht gives them the chance to run. actually, dont get the cat in the first place. ! dogs rule!!

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Sunday 12 June 2011 16:26

*insert bad pussy jokes here*

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Sunday 10 July 2016 9:58

Shitting while running away after being scared is a reflex common among mammals. The extraction of feces at high velocity provides a considerable speed boost the same way that throwing a rock would push you backwards sightly. Additionally, by removing the feces from the body, the animal becomes more lightweight and is able to flee with ease. A related, though separate phenomenon common to homosapiens, is where they make up arbitrary factoids related to a topic being discussed for humoristic effect, regardless of their accuracy.

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:04

YDI Dont fuck around with your cat like that.

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Saturday 3 September 2011 17:17

really? I laughed my ass off when I read this fml

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:04

thats karma baby

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:05

haha lick that shit up YDI

burrito_supreme 0

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:05

I laughed, so effing hard. LOL.

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 4:55

me too. it made my day

Chocolate_Chunk 2

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Wednesday 23 June 2010 8:01

If you're too much of a pussy to spell "fucking", don't include the word in your sentences.

LordVoldemort6 0

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Sunday 8 May 2011 4:43

Heh. Pussy. This FML is about a cat....

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:08

that is so nasty...i guess you know not to scare your cat ever again.

shameonmedude 0

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:08

Pussies are afraid of you huh?

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:08

Hahaha I just burst out laughing when i read this. that just made my day, and YDI :)

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Friday 6 January 2012 14:00

OP's post is the funniest thing I have ever read.

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:08

Serves you right ! Karma is a bitch !

NickelPhosphate 0

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Thursday 14 May 2009 23:08

LMAO Way to go, YDI haha! Don't be mean to your pets.