Miscellaneous: Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut...

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 10:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 336

You deserved it 31 892

Miscellaneous

Problematic language

Heavy traffic

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

By ouch - 05/10/2015 19:20 - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 812

You deserved it 3 736

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 01:16 - New Zealand

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a segway. He still got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 948

You deserved it 9 259

By elfy2 - 03/03/2011 02:49

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 079

You deserved it 3 416

By anony - 27/02/2013 13:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by quietly undressing and sneaking into the bathroom to join him in the shower. He was bent over taking a dump, pushing his turd down the plughole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 632

You deserved it 6 672

By well fuck! - 14/08/2019 22:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 118

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 16:25 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 582

You deserved it 2 554

By anonymous - 26/05/2016 03:45 - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 789

You deserved it 1 919

By fmll - 17/12/2011 13:17 - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 499

You deserved it 3 431

Tough choice

By Anonymous - 12/02/2019 00:00

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 164

You deserved it 205

By AznKoreanGuy - 04/03/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 809

You deserved it 4 666

By Well okay then - 09/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 246

You deserved it 744

Receptacle

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 02:01

Today, I felt sick at work and tried to run to the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth, but saw a garbage can and removed my hand to let it loose. I forgot to remove my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 183

By Ciara - 11/06/2012 20:44 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 230

You deserved it 35 005

By Anonymous - 03/10/2013 03:00 - United States - Decatur

Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 324

You deserved it 2 671

By Mayabie - 16/10/2011 21:08 - France

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 134

You deserved it 6 379

By anonymous - 05/01/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 720

You deserved it 7 547

By bigdawg702 - 26/09/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 282

You deserved it 68 912

By targetlove - 10/01/2010 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 224

You deserved it 3 387

By raven_teen_titan - 04/03/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 570

You deserved it 3 496

By panda - 03/03/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 6 266

By Anonymous - 27/02/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 530

You deserved it 3 157

By desigymrat - 25/12/2010 05:29 - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 488

You deserved it 42 481

By hopelessteej - 28/01/2013 13:55 - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 075

You deserved it 4 082

By kipper - 22/07/2019 12:00

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 205

By notthedad - 15/03/2011 15:50 - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 384

You deserved it 5 632

By JZ - 30/10/2009 13:34 - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 854

You deserved it 13 141

By Anonymous - 16/02/2012 01:54 - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 027

You deserved it 3 095

By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 902

You deserved it 7 567

By tarini - 27/05/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 713

You deserved it 121 901

By NotYourToy - 27/01/2016 07:59 - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 2 124

Risky business

By Anonymous - 14/06/2020 02:02

Today, I went to get insurance and I have a non-fault third party claim and yet my insurance has gone up. I wasn't even in the car when someone hit it. Why have I got penalised? They claim I'm now "statistically more likely to get in an accident." My car was parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 106

By Kayak - 29/12/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 406

You deserved it 4 470

Heist

By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/05/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 298

You deserved it 188

By thefoolwhorippedhispants - 20/04/2018 01:30

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 243

You deserved it 407

By prostitott - 04/05/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 422

You deserved it 15 346

By BarbieKen - 14/06/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 052

You deserved it 63 152

By Anonymous - 13/05/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 109

You deserved it 3 207

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 1 022

By Kaz - 07/05/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 564

You deserved it 50 181

By Ariella - 29/08/2011 04:06 - Singapore

Today, I found out that I was adopted. I'm 46 years old with 11 real siblings and no one bothered to tell me until I found the documents in my dead adoptive father's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 771

You deserved it 2 448

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Sparx1_1 16

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 20:15

Just because women are better at owning their shit does not suddenly make men better drivers. We rarely get snow in Vancouver so when we got a good dump of it last week things were horrible. Yet what did we see? People driving on snow and black ice as if it was the middle of summer time. Men and women get into the same number of accidents but men are more likely to hit and run while women are more likely to report even mild fender benders that do not need reporting. In this case the OP deserves it for taking a short cut. When the weather is bad - slow the fuck down and stay on roads you are familiar with.

theFMLiest1ofThe 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:36

I hate to add to the mindless sexism that consumes FML, but seriously....it seems like every post that involves shitty driving involves a female. just an observation ladies.

eaglesrule96 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:01

skedalee

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:27

YDI. But since you're there knock on the door. Pretend you're doing a survey. Ask intimate questions. Then threaten to blackmail him. Or run to the car and drive away. That's what I do. Women can drive. ahem.

yake12 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 17:02

All I read was "I thought it would be a good idea to..." and instantly hit YDI!

iTaylor 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 17:48

nice shades, you two

satomi_ishida 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 17:49

24 - I'm pretty sure the cop will be able to see the tell-tale signs of what they did. And since you said "that's what I do" I'm guessing you've done this before? A_a

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 18:43

ugh yet another fml proving women drivers suck!! :(

Marvin_Android 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 21:15

Sounds dreadful. Taking shortcuts is pointless, just like anything else you might attempt to do for convenience's sake. Your particular situation also illustrates the stupidity that's typical of your ape-like species. It's enough to make me even more depressed, and I didn't think that was possible. Life. Don't talk to me about life.

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 22:09

46-You got your shades from Journeys? That's where I. Got mine. On black Friday. And they weren't on sale. 63- Thank you! 64- Yes of course I do that all the time. Do you think I could ever make up something like that?! It's so crazy it has to be true.

nicedevil6 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 2:34

ur sexy is there a way I can get contacted with u? if so lemme know bout it

OrginalOwen 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 6:46

My girlfriend totaled 3 cars last summer, one of then was mine. :( women can't drive.

dre_bro11 12

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:21

never take shortcuts. its that simple. YDI

SoSeductress 0

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Thursday 4 August 2011 10:22

Fuck the police they are all sorry believe me I know I was engaged to one...

lexa1love 16

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Monday 3 December 2012 23:10

@110 So am I, its more likely that you just had a shitty fiancé.

memo619 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:01

this is why women shouldn't be out of the kitchen

KrazyKanuk 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:03

I agree completely

DocBastard 38

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:18

The only thing women should be doing in the kitchen for you schmucks is deciding which knife to use to cut off your worthless dicks. You assholes probably go home at night and jerk off to gay porn before crying yourself to sleep. Piss off.

dabest1too 1

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:20

agreed^^ (:

FML858 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:20

agreeeeed.

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:24

okay I just ran to the kitchen. now what.

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:27

I think a lot of girls would rather stay in the kitchen than see your face, whoever posted the comment that I am commenting upon.

DocBastard 38

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:36

Mamamiaaa - It's an easy 3-step process: 1) Grab knife 2) Plunge knife into misogynist's dangly parts 3) Repeat You're welcome.

memo619 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:39

lmao gotta love how defense people get it's only a joke, loosen up

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:39

DocBastard I love the way you think mhmmmm.

ChrisSG 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:41

lol.. this is why I like trolls.. the trap has already been set since he left that sexist comment..

memo619 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:46

feminist got their panties all up in a bunch

CitrusGirl 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:53

Memo has his dick up his ass

amerwin 3

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:02

Nice move genius.

MizzErikaHart 8

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:02

u suck at driving

PuntingYoshi 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:47

You suck at spelling.

hqureshi 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 17:20

You suck at differentiating between spelling and grammar.

starile 19

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 19:05

This is the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

FallinngForYoux3 6

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 19:56

#75. win.

kaplush 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:02

sucks

apcfan009 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:03

talk about luck. this should tell you shortcuts fail

purplecowchik 5

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:03

Sounds like a slippery situation!!

tjsomethin 9

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:40

..... no.....

Liips 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:07

YDI for not buying snow tires...

Shokz992 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:09

She lives in Scotland - do you have any idea how often the UK gets heavy snow?

Vo0 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 5:45

Best reply ever. Op, FYL, I stay in North Lanarkshire and we have about 2ft in my estate, FML.

BDTM 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:08

you idiot, you think it's smart to cut someone off coming towards you so you can drive illegally? good job.

KiaMaster 0

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 16:08

snow+you=dead people

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 183

You deserved it 20

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 170

Tough choice

Receptacle

Risky business

Heist

Weird flex, but OK

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