Miscellaneous: Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and...

By zoearcu - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Facebook Science

People are people

By GOT not for me - 15/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

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1217

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By Justanotherwreck

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

655

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By anonymous

Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed by and said, "Tuck that nose in." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1653

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140

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By JoeyDizz - United States

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18242

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By Myballshurt - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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45342

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By WolfsScar - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1402

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506

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By anon - United States

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

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16972

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By jake - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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24686

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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44923

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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26846

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By broooooock - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

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79492

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By snotface - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

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76292

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By anoynomous - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

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40606

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By why they bomb - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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31839

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By cheekymac - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the airport baggage collection when I saw an old man struggling to get his very old and heavy suitcase off the belt before giving up. I had already collected my bag, but wanting to be helpful, the old man watched me as I grabbed his handle, yanked and snapped it clean off. FML

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34006

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By NinjaTurtle93 - 17/2/2021 21:30

Sketchy-looking dude

Today, I overheard a lady tell her child in a store that, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll tell that guy over there to take you away.” She was referring to me. FML

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732

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By PoorJudgeOfCharacter - 25/5/2020 08:00

How could you?

Today, I found out that before I met my boyfriend of one year, he slept with his twin brother's ex girlfriend who his twin had dated for two years before ending things. Am I dating a monster? FML

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1169

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243

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By mulligan - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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12785

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13484

You deserved it

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By AnonymousQuagga - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

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38423

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By videochat - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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15933

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By skinnybitch - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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33840

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By ApparentlyaPotato - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I was called a "Potato" for at least the 30th time by people online for living in Idaho. I've lived here my whole life, I have yet to see a potato farm. None of these people has even left the East Coast. FML

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18462

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By arrow - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

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22557

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

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34275

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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15632

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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43880

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By Heavybreather - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

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5799

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, as a priest, I was invited to the home of a lady who claimed that the face of Jesus had appeared to her. She took me upstairs to her bathroom and... it was poo. She genuinely thought she could see Jesus in the poo sitting in her toilet bowl. FML

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3158

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Messy

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

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633

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258

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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1484

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By chevygirl51 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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47839

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By thanks, fuckface - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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41015

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By Goldo - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

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46040

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4274

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By sick and lonely - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16201

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 08:08

Sounds like a keeper

Today, it's been a week since my boyfriend has touched me or even paid attention to me, because I refuse to buy him a car. I do everything for him and he owes me $3,000 already, but when I cried about using my savings on him, he said, "That’s not my problem.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1119

You deserved it

572

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By Anonymous - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55094

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By aeghw1s - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37941

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6301

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By gymnasticscoach - United States

Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I need to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57859

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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Top comments

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

COMMENTS

By DanielleSaysHell | 0

#2364854 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:46

beautiful way to wake up(:

PrinceFroggy | 0

#2364907 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:12

Well any longer and you would have a nice face tan!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2364943 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:20

Agreed. Rise and shine op(: enjoy the view :Δ

Bandz_fml | 3

#2365373 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:29

Oh no! How horrible. I can't believe you had to wake up! F your life indeed... F your life!!!!!

ceddyz17 | 10

#2365560 - Monday 18 April 2011 3:19

wakey wakey hands off snakey

spencerchu | 0

#2366100 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:29

well op's dad at least did his job to wake u up

kay2kay | 1

#2367023 - Monday 18 April 2011 10:56

You'll never need to set another alarm clock ever again when you get a Metal-Waker 5000™ Our slogan is: IT WILL WAKE YOU UP 'TIL IT KNOCKS YOU OUT! Warning- May cause concussion

dre_bro11 | 12

#2368015 - Monday 18 April 2011 17:40

kay2kay, where can I buy this 'invention' from? Is it available in Australia?

dre_bro11 | 12

#2370104 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 2:39

49, that's like happened to me everyday of my holidays for one reason or another.

By melissa8998 | 0

#2364866 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

That probably worked a lot better than coffee! Be grateful! lol

andres19 | 0

#2365050 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:58

no, a piping hot pot of coffee to the face does the trick better than anything else

man_in_black08 | 28

#2365389 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:32

oh shiit.. brock whtup

melissa8998 | 0

#2365474 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:56

That's true. A nice trip to the emergency room or burn ward was always a great way to start any morning for me!

danbui | 0

#2366138 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:38

lol-13 that made me laugh ^-^

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2366625 - Monday 18 April 2011 8:06

Maybe OP was giving the dad a hard time getting up, so he just figured he'd drop something metal on OPs head.

MagicGiraffe | 12

#2371096 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:22

Wakey wakey hands off the snakey

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

mygreenhoodie | 0

#2365092 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:08

no she slept forever

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2365209 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:38

nooo she didnt wake up. she wrote this FML in her sleep.

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2365434 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:46

^Dicks

knightsfb | 0

#2366529 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:29

24 the proper term is penises

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2364898 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

When I get woken up like that there is typically bloodshed.

By PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2364917 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:16

I HATE waking up in the morning. That's a fucked way to get woken up OP. I would be seriously pissed. I think you should use an air horn and a bucket of cold water to wake your dad up one of these mornings...