Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and...

By zoearcu - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Zoom this, bitches!

Where are you?

Near the knuckle

By ER1C - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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13366

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By KittyKat168 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13559

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2391

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By CathyMary - United States - New York

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1949

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218

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

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37203

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

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36269

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By samantha - 23/6/2020 02:02

Humblebrag in disguise

Today, while buying drinks, the cashier immediately refused me and said, “Don’t even bother showing me your ID, you’re obviously 12." I’m 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1535

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109

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By Wobblefat

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

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11834

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By anon - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35872

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By pregz - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51902

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4356

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By Huge A Hole - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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12635

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

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30742

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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7688

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14179

You deserved it

19953

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By KoNi - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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54122

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1580

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By Boobs McGee

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8910

You deserved it

2659

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By pottypattypeepants - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43511

You deserved it

19558

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By brotheritachi

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3393

You deserved it

909

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By asthmasucks - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65061

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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47584

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By KittKatt - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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28898

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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102019

You deserved it

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By notpayedenoughforthisshit - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

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40628

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 10:49

This is fine

Today, I envy all the mothers who get to hide in their bathroom, engulfed in tears, when at their breaking points. I'm a single mom of two heathens. Today, like most days, really I had to threaten violence at the top of my lungs so they would stop fighting long enough for me to simply use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

971

You deserved it

413

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By badtiming - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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31960

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3278

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By steve-o - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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35771

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By Nikki

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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2323

You deserved it

648

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By Wex - Chile

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

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24833

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

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39342

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By dating a fucking idiot - United States

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24829

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By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

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49026

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By mommydearist - United States

Today, my car broke down in the middle of the street. Lucky for me, two guys helped me push my car to the side of the road. Right when I was about to thank them, they stole my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33632

You deserved it

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By Thewatcher - Mauritius

Today, I tried to download some network-monitoring software for the office as I suspect that one of my staff has been constantly downloading torrents. It wouldn't download because someone was using all the bandwidth. FML

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32815

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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38644

You deserved it

6485

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By klee - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39192

You deserved it

2578

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By stickyandwet - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5738

You deserved it

863

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By BFH4Life - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

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36795

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By Cottagecheeseha - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

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22569

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By JustMarried - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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18018

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By Anonymous - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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Top comments

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

COMMENTS

By DanielleSaysHell | 0

#2364854 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:46

beautiful way to wake up(:

PrinceFroggy | 0

#2364907 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:12

Well any longer and you would have a nice face tan!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2364943 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:20

Agreed. Rise and shine op(: enjoy the view :Δ

Bandz_fml | 3

#2365373 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:29

Oh no! How horrible. I can't believe you had to wake up! F your life indeed... F your life!!!!!

ceddyz17 | 10

#2365560 - Monday 18 April 2011 3:19

wakey wakey hands off snakey

spencerchu | 0

#2366100 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:29

well op's dad at least did his job to wake u up

kay2kay | 1

#2367023 - Monday 18 April 2011 10:56

You'll never need to set another alarm clock ever again when you get a Metal-Waker 5000™ Our slogan is: IT WILL WAKE YOU UP 'TIL IT KNOCKS YOU OUT! Warning- May cause concussion

dre_bro11 | 12

#2368015 - Monday 18 April 2011 17:40

kay2kay, where can I buy this 'invention' from? Is it available in Australia?

dre_bro11 | 12

#2370104 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 2:39

49, that's like happened to me everyday of my holidays for one reason or another.

By melissa8998 | 0

#2364866 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

That probably worked a lot better than coffee! Be grateful! lol

andres19 | 0

#2365050 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:58

no, a piping hot pot of coffee to the face does the trick better than anything else

man_in_black08 | 28

#2365389 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:32

oh shiit.. brock whtup

melissa8998 | 0

#2365474 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:56

That's true. A nice trip to the emergency room or burn ward was always a great way to start any morning for me!

danbui | 0

#2366138 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:38

lol-13 that made me laugh ^-^

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2366625 - Monday 18 April 2011 8:06

Maybe OP was giving the dad a hard time getting up, so he just figured he'd drop something metal on OPs head.

MagicGiraffe | 12

#2371096 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:22

Wakey wakey hands off the snakey

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

mygreenhoodie | 0

#2365092 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:08

no she slept forever

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2365209 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:38

nooo she didnt wake up. she wrote this FML in her sleep.

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2365434 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:46

^Dicks

knightsfb | 0

#2366529 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:29

24 the proper term is penises

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2364898 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

When I get woken up like that there is typically bloodshed.

By PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2364917 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:16

I HATE waking up in the morning. That's a fucked way to get woken up OP. I would be seriously pissed. I think you should use an air horn and a bucket of cold water to wake your dad up one of these mornings...