Miscellaneous: Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 218

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 123

17/04/2011 18:32

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 828

You deserved it 3 510

Walk the line

Missing the one

Spice

09/05/2011 07:38

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 781

You deserved it 3 382

28/02/2009 06:40

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 290

You deserved it 42 227

19/08/2010 11:53

Spicy

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 873

You deserved it 36 615

07/12/2010 14:13

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 822

You deserved it 12 341

Loose Women

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 22:59

Spicy

Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 306

31/03/2017 20:00

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 578

You deserved it 548

21/03/2009 02:39

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 478

You deserved it 8 347

12/12/2010 06:08

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes he went to play his new xbox game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 661

You deserved it 7 978

10/01/2013 06:13

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 357

You deserved it 3 025

Deception

By that'sokay - 12/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 460

30/05/2012 18:47

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 837

You deserved it 3 001

13/05/2013 16:01

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 186

You deserved it 4 209

Taking the piss

By allie - 31/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom forced me to take a drug test while she watched. I couldn’t do it due to nerves, so she grounded me because, "there's no way I would be nervous unless I was doing drugs." Nope, just a shy bladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 87

Naughty boy

By wisp - 18/05/2021 10:59

Today, my father called me cruel and heartless. Why? Because while I was at school, our dogs opened the door to my room and managed to shut themselves inside all day without food or water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 72

03/07/2009 20:09

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 035

You deserved it 9 035

23/03/2014 05:31

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 678

You deserved it 7 294

13/07/2010 13:41

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 860

You deserved it 40 159

28/05/2013 16:37

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 520

You deserved it 15 961

08/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 188

You deserved it 260

09/03/2013 17:42

Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 658

You deserved it 10 089

23/10/2010 15:13

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 572

You deserved it 4 141

21/07/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 944

You deserved it 306

I'm a mess

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 23:01

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 325

You deserved it 1 222

What goes around…

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 20:01

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 303

26/03/2009 18:08

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 221

You deserved it 5 415

Twinned

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 20:01

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 276

Outdoorsy romance

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 648

18/06/2015 16:56

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 911

You deserved it 2 312

23/08/2012 13:42

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 096

You deserved it 81 933

Oh, hello

By kikuhime - 17/01/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 88

16/04/2009 14:49

Spicy

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 755

You deserved it 35 021

05/03/2017 22:30

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 447

You deserved it 855

31/12/2015 22:33

Spicy

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 680

You deserved it 7 350

Catch 22

By Anonymous - 26/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was at a friend's house; she left the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I'd, "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. I'm a gay guy, and she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 89

03/01/2011 19:50

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 789

You deserved it 5 030

24/07/2010 07:44

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 901

You deserved it 3 589

08/07/2011 15:46

Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 373

You deserved it 2 678

I could be happy

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 00:01

Today, I got my first job offer in over a year, a mere few days after being accepted to study for my dream career. My crippling depression won't allow me to enjoy any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 114

Ouch.

By Jen1444 - 26/02/2018 13:00

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 666

You deserved it 942

28/09/2009 16:24

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 461

You deserved it 5 016

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Top comments

takeapieandrun 9

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Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

KristinaKreme 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

Comments

DanielleSaysHell 0

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Sunday 17 April 2011 23:46

beautiful way to wake up(:

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:12

Well any longer and you would have a nice face tan!

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:20

Agreed. Rise and shine op(: enjoy the view :Δ

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Monday 18 April 2011 2:29

Oh no! How horrible. I can't believe you had to wake up! F your life indeed... F your life!!!!!

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Monday 18 April 2011 3:19

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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Monday 18 April 2011 5:29

well op's dad at least did his job to wake u up

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Monday 18 April 2011 10:56

You'll never need to set another alarm clock ever again when you get a Metal-Waker 5000™ Our slogan is: IT WILL WAKE YOU UP 'TIL IT KNOCKS YOU OUT! Warning- May cause concussion

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:40

kay2kay, where can I buy this 'invention' from? Is it available in Australia?

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Tuesday 19 April 2011 2:39

49, that's like happened to me everyday of my holidays for one reason or another.

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Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

That probably worked a lot better than coffee! Be grateful! lol

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:58

no, a piping hot pot of coffee to the face does the trick better than anything else

man_in_black08 28

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Monday 18 April 2011 2:32

oh shiit.. brock whtup

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Monday 18 April 2011 2:56

That's true. A nice trip to the emergency room or burn ward was always a great way to start any morning for me!

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Monday 18 April 2011 5:38

lol-13 that made me laugh ^-^

takeapieandrun 9

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Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

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Monday 18 April 2011 8:06

Maybe OP was giving the dad a hard time getting up, so he just figured he'd drop something metal on OPs head.

MagicGiraffe 12

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Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:22

Wakey wakey hands off the snakey

KristinaKreme 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

mygreenhoodie 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 1:08

no she slept forever

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Monday 18 April 2011 1:38

nooo she didnt wake up. she wrote this FML in her sleep.

Sniper_Fidelis 1

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Monday 18 April 2011 2:46

^Dicks

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Monday 18 April 2011 7:29

24 the proper term is penises

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

When I get woken up like that there is typically bloodshed.

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:16

I HATE waking up in the morning. That's a fucked way to get woken up OP. I would be seriously pissed. I think you should use an air horn and a bucket of cold water to wake your dad up one of these mornings...

briidontgive_ 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:41

Same here, gets me all cranky :T

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Monday 18 April 2011 2:32

i agree. only person i don't get mad at is a really cute girls lol

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:28

Metalhead!

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Monday 18 April 2011 0:55

Hey, he got you up right? His job is done.

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Monday 18 April 2011 1:10

lolll

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Monday 18 April 2011 1:15

Well, it woke you up didn't it?