Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and...

By zoearcu - 17/4/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

In my day…

By Anonymous - 2/5/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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By MarkQ95 - 21/7/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

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By bakergirl - 16/11/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By passedoutpolly - 1/8/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 18:25 - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By ulisha5 - 2/8/2013 21:54 - Bulgaria - Burgas

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

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By fishfloors - 21/4/2017 14:00

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 12:00

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By benander - 15/9/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By donguigeek - 24/12/2015 04:32 - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

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By Machine - 19/2/2009 12:18 - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By SmileAndSayHi - 1/6/2016 19:23 - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

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By Neuronerd - 19/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By feels like an asshole - 9/6/2015 20:03 - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

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By Susan - 28/2/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By Queerbait - 5/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By Loose Ends - 14/9/2016 23:48 - United States - Waltham

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

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By Boyufd - 30/7/2020 23:01

The Dark Knight

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

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By Itchy - 28/2/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Brooke - 9/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

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By bellaskyeb - 8/1/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2016 16:33

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, I was on a plane when I suddenly felt the need to use the toilet. I didn't make it in time and I had to spend the remainder of my trip in soiled clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

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By baberuth - 19/6/2015 22:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

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By peanuts - 3/7/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By crazygirl10 - 28/5/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing "Like a Virgin" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 03:27 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By yay! - 8/11/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

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Top comments

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

COMMENTS

By DanielleSaysHell | 0

#2364854 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:46

beautiful way to wake up(:

PrinceFroggy | 0

#2364907 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:12

Well any longer and you would have a nice face tan!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2364943 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:20

Agreed. Rise and shine op(: enjoy the view :Δ

Bandz_fml | 3

#2365373 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:29

Oh no! How horrible. I can't believe you had to wake up! F your life indeed... F your life!!!!!

ceddyz17 | 10

#2365560 - Monday 18 April 2011 3:19

wakey wakey hands off snakey

spencerchu | 0

#2366100 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:29

well op's dad at least did his job to wake u up

kay2kay | 1

#2367023 - Monday 18 April 2011 10:56

You'll never need to set another alarm clock ever again when you get a Metal-Waker 5000™ Our slogan is: IT WILL WAKE YOU UP 'TIL IT KNOCKS YOU OUT! Warning- May cause concussion

dre_bro11 | 12

#2368015 - Monday 18 April 2011 17:40

kay2kay, where can I buy this 'invention' from? Is it available in Australia?

dre_bro11 | 12

#2370104 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 2:39

49, that's like happened to me everyday of my holidays for one reason or another.

By melissa8998 | 0

#2364866 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

That probably worked a lot better than coffee! Be grateful! lol

andres19 | 0

#2365050 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:58

no, a piping hot pot of coffee to the face does the trick better than anything else

man_in_black08 | 28

#2365389 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:32

oh shiit.. brock whtup

melissa8998 | 0

#2365474 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:56

That's true. A nice trip to the emergency room or burn ward was always a great way to start any morning for me!

danbui | 0

#2366138 - Monday 18 April 2011 5:38

lol-13 that made me laugh ^-^

By takeapieandrun | 9

#2364870 - Sunday 17 April 2011 23:51

Looks like he succeeded.

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2366625 - Monday 18 April 2011 8:06

Maybe OP was giving the dad a hard time getting up, so he just figured he'd drop something metal on OPs head.

MagicGiraffe | 12

#2371096 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 6:22

Wakey wakey hands off the snakey

By KristinaKreme | 0

#2364896 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

You woke up though, right?

mygreenhoodie | 0

#2365092 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:08

no she slept forever

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2365209 - Monday 18 April 2011 1:38

nooo she didnt wake up. she wrote this FML in her sleep.

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2365434 - Monday 18 April 2011 2:46

^Dicks

knightsfb | 0

#2366529 - Monday 18 April 2011 7:29

24 the proper term is penises

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2364898 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:09

When I get woken up like that there is typically bloodshed.

By PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2364917 - Monday 18 April 2011 0:16

I HATE waking up in the morning. That's a fucked way to get woken up OP. I would be seriously pissed. I think you should use an air horn and a bucket of cold water to wake your dad up one of these mornings...