Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML
Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML
Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my parrot learned how to imitate my baby's crying. Now, every time the baby cries, the parrot joins in, and it sounds like a chorus of screaming. FML
Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML
Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
That is just awesome. Don't tell people before they stay over, trust me, it'll be great.
wootwootimahoot 10
The sitter should have taught it to say "Help! I'm trapped in a parrot's body!"
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Comments (99)
graceinsheepwear 34
Maybe your bird sitter spent the month threatening your parrot and your parrot learned the words that way.
johnthegodfather 3
watch a horror movie with your best friend, while the parrot says that
paigexox0 37
More exciting than my friends bird..it just kicks its food at me through the cage, squawks.. And thats about it
Fuhkyoo 17
maybe the sitter was tired of their shitty children and went to your place to chillax and watch some horror movies on netflix. and hang out with your awesome parrot.
mr_sarcastic416 29
KILL IT! kill it with fire!!!!!
buckdharma 38
Sit him on your shoulder on Halloween. He'll scare the bejesus out of the little boogers.
justme_79 14
Omg that is absolutely brilliant!!
truesarrif 33
I think in the true spirit of the fml community the only logical thing to do now is Sue the bird sitter and dump your parrot.
lashes_to_ashes 14
That's actually really awesome. I wouldn't mind it at all
vic55jets 13
That's awful!