Miscellaneous: Today, I returned from a half-month long trip to China with a... - FML

By DuCkBuBbLeS - United States

Today, I returned from a half-month long trip to China with a group of friends. After throwing myself into my mother's arms and bursting into tears, she stops me to say 'Listen...these last couple of weeks have been some of the best I've ever had. Can we try to keep it like that?' FML

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Late term

Triage

Dementia or hate? You decide

By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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By Christopher Tobler - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

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By GoldenSteve - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here." FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

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By lizi - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 08:01 - United States - Gloucester

Weird family

Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML

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By cowgurl91 - France

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

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By probablyfired

Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By Jman212 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By WhatTheF

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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By fmlskank93 - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML

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By Mini-wanker - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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By GoneLimp - United States - Havelock

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML

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By Finesse7791 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crawfordville

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

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By babydoll13211 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By honeymooner - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By zaktor

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By Millar - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I witnessed a postal worker with an important parcel stopping before knocking on my door, shrugging, getting back in his van, and driving away. I couldn't get the door open quickly enough before he left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss asked me to take some of the female mannequins and change the outfits. As I was changing them, I realized that this was the most action I've gotten in almost a year. Not only am I twenty-seven, but I'm married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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Top comments

By Cloudy_fml | 0

#4699 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:12

I get that you missed your mom --- and that's natural! But full-on sobbing and throwing yourself into her arms IS a bit much... It just sounds like you might be a BIT overly dependent and clingy towards her. That makes it understandable that she might like a nice break from tending to you every now and again... Her phrasing could have been a tad less harsh though, I suppose.

Also:
http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/4915/futuramawr6.gif

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#5248 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:58

half-month? Are you trying to hide the fact that you cried after two weeks away from your mom? Grow up.

COMMENTS

By shamille | 5

#4651 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:34

wow your mom is mean!

By Apex_fml | 0

#4654 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:36

Wow man that is pretty bad. You should find friends who wouldn't know that sort of thing.

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5924348 - Thursday 24 April 2014 3:17

What?

By wtf_fml | 0

#4667 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:51

#4 and #5 are total cunts

By Amkii | 0

#4668 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:52

#4 - Chill out. Females cry at stuff. It happens. Hell, I cry at certain episodes of Futurama!

Anyway, your mom is definitely a bitch. Reminds me of something my mom would say!

Reply

UserOfTheMind | 24

#6475860 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 19:26

To be fair, everyone cries during the episode where Fry finds his old dog.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#4676 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:12

Maybe if you were a better child your mom would love you more.

Reply

ComaWhiteLove | 18

#5763897 - Friday 22 November 2013 10:43

Wow what an arrogant asshole. "Better than you"? what a fucking joke..

By kier31 | 0

#4692 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:58

Wow. I love how people are so very heartless. I would miss my mom too.
And your mom is ridiculous.

By shadow356 | 0

#4695 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:08

oh wow that totally sucks. your mom is a b*tch for sure.

By Cloudy_fml | 0

#4699 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:12

I get that you missed your mom --- and that's natural! But full-on sobbing and throwing yourself into her arms IS a bit much... It just sounds like you might be a BIT overly dependent and clingy towards her. That makes it understandable that she might like a nice break from tending to you every now and again... Her phrasing could have been a tad less harsh though, I suppose.

Also:
http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/4915/futuramawr6.gif

Reply

ComaWhiteLove | 18

#5763900 - Friday 22 November 2013 10:47

The thing about it though is that we don't know how old OP is. She could be a teen for all we know. That would certainly validate a potential dependent and possibly clingy relationship she may or may not have with her mother.

Reply

evilamoebaattack | 20

#5833016 - Monday 20 January 2014 10:42

yes, but still. i'm 17 and i LIVE alone at college.. havent seen my mom in a few months. crying at two weeks seems a bit much.

By greenman_fml | 0

#4703 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:24

you were adobted

Reply

izzybizzy3098 | 3

#4187888 - Monday 19 March 2012 22:14

adopted***

By uncletom_fml | 0

#4759 - Saturday 21 February 2009 6:30

i would love to high-five your mom. she seems to have a great sense of comedic timing.