Miscellaneous: Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where...

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 003

You deserved it 5 059

Miscellaneous

Another great day to be alive

Our house, in the middle of our street

Weird reason to leave, but OK

By 20 - 31/12/2009 00:28 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 007

You deserved it 3 094

Three's company

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 07:59

Today, after I searched for three months and found the coolest jacket and was stoked, my fiancé and our guy friend both ordered the same jacket so we can all match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 171

By i2xl - 24/02/2012 15:28 - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 638

You deserved it 33 782

By novapine - 01/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 419

You deserved it 4 016

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 381

You deserved it 2 492

Thanks, I hate this

By creepingjennie - 05/01/2022 14:01

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to the flowering plant my passive-aggressive mother gave me for Christmas. I take two different antihistamines daily for my numerous allergies all year round, and my mother knows this is why I don't have house plants. She said, "You better not get rid of it!" I think she hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 01:30

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 693

You deserved it 328

By SmellyLeg - 20/11/2017 15:00

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 264

You deserved it 306

By curvster daughter - 02/11/2013 18:46 - United States

Today, like every other day, my daughter thinks that degrading skinny people is very "non-conformist" and "edgy". This time, though, a slightly slim girl punched her in the face when she accused her of being anorexic. Now people think I gave my daughter her new black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 300

You deserved it 6 933

The Groucho Marx of Zoom

By Anonymous - 19/03/2021 21:30

Today, I was on a work call when my coworker made an accidental Freudian slip. Thinking I was muted, I muttered, "That’s what she said." I wasn’t muted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 876

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 561

You deserved it 2 355

By StiffPvtParts - 04/06/2019 18:00

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 104

You deserved it 280

Lock in

By Anonymous - 19/11/2021 14:00

Today, my boss told me I could do my university work as long as I served customers when they came in. No customers came in all day, then I realised I’d been so focused on my laptop, I'd never noticed I’d left the bolt on the door, so customers couldn’t get in. My boss sacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 1 799

By Damnsoup - 03/07/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 103

You deserved it 6 947

By pokie - 30/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 800

You deserved it 9 361

By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 911

You deserved it 25 072

By NotRetarded - 11/04/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 968

You deserved it 3 842

Delayed

By inheritance - 05/05/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 3 407

Headphones are a health hazard

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 16:01

Today, only some excellent security footage stopped me being arrested after I bumped into a young girl while looking at my phone and her mother, an Uber Karen, accused me of sexual assault and an off-duty woman police officer tackled me to the ground before I'd even took off my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 154

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 06/04/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 940

You deserved it 6 071

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 04:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 008

You deserved it 27 055

By princess - 12/04/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 454

You deserved it 7 131

By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 547

You deserved it 41 260

By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 666

You deserved it 2 129

Can't win

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 22:00

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 327

By nudesurprise - 16/04/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 768

You deserved it 35 031

By Bito - 21/12/2008 07:00 - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 122

You deserved it 12 222

By drunkenloser - 20/09/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my alcoholism reached a new low when I found myself sitting on the toilet drinking a bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 129

You deserved it 38 426

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 08:33 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 073

You deserved it 3 514

Freaky dreams

By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra Xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 299

You deserved it 10 686

By bakedplum - 01/11/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 745

You deserved it 23 770

By karebear - 09/09/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 615

You deserved it 4 627

By Anonymous - 18/03/2011 09:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 4 153

By FlowerPower - 20/07/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 780

You deserved it 18 258

Exclusivity

By whoops - 10/06/2020 02:00

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 149

Repo Man

By Anonymous - 15/01/2022 11:01 - United States - Moore

Today, I rented rented car from an app for a family function. Turns out it was in default and was repossessed while I was there. I had to ride three hours back home with my girlfriend's dad, who probably thinks I don't pay my bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 92

By Oops - 25/02/2017 00:00 - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 665

You deserved it 1 448

By Ido - 26/08/2010 20:06 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 932

You deserved it 16 093

By JCruz411 - 21/01/2010 13:10 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 023

You deserved it 32 729

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 138

You deserved it 2 888

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Top comments

CharlotteRx 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:17

Mom, Pizza place, brother/sister,grandma,and dog. : )

martic835 2

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:23

Please, I go through times in my life where the only people I talk to are my parents. Friends are highly overrated. Luckily I'm at a point where I'm building friendships so I actually need a phone. FYL OP, FYL.

konny37 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:12

first.

ilovebradiew 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:14

nicee.

konny37 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:14

YDI fir picking that carrier. they suck.

Enoch134 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:22

your not first for long and y do u have to????

lilbyrd43 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:53

Why would they ask you? don't you do it yourself?

Bookhaki 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 13:35

Why does OP even have a phone then?

NOTaFmL 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 14:42

FYL for having no other friends. but don't u do it yourself??? correct me if i'm wrong.

trizzieb 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:00

Those 900 numbers you've been calling don't count?

cartermc17 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:39

fake fml because you do it yourself

Malinkrot 3

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:23

YDI for only having internet friends

Rawwrness 3

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:50

I've seen this one before. this is fake

hpotterluvr 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 3:08

agreed

Zoombus 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 3:57

I can't stand it when people ydi for retarded reasons. and no, it doesn't.

purple3883 0

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Monday 15 February 2010 6:21

what does YDI mean may i ask?

Hanban 0

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Monday 15 February 2010 13:45

Yellow Dancing Iguana.

Hendrixguy 0

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 0:27

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

Rimaa_fml 0

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Monday 19 April 2010 15:18

It stands for you dumb idiot. Lol jk. You deserve it!! (YDI)

jenlynn86 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:17

lol

xJaypex 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 14:45

this is stupid, it's from the office

deathcab7 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:26

haha thats sad,

CharlotteRx 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:17

Mom, Pizza place, brother/sister,grandma,and dog. : )

BigLostBear 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:21

that's just sad, lol those aren't really your pick 5 right?

CharlotteRx 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:31

No, it's actually the Chinese place's number. hahahahaha! naa, I don't like using my cellphone for long conversations, I rather speak in person : )

BigLostBear 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:37

I agree with that but I'm sadly a textaholic :(

Bugatti_Veyron 1

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Saturday 13 February 2010 15:13

ydi for failing at life. your parents should have stomped on your head more when you were a baby.

iSitt 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 15:15

can you text your orders to the Chinese takeout ?

charcoalest 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:16

@40 I think that you are seriously the biggest jerk i've ever had the displeasure to encounter.

eeeeeeee 5

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Saturday 13 February 2010 18:01

#40 made me laugh.

majones 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:24

I agree with 78. Are you a five year old 68?

Hanban 0

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Monday 15 February 2010 13:48

Crap. They moderated #40. What was the message?

martic835 2

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:23

goodstuffboro 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 15:16

uhm did u rele say friends are overated....idk what I wuld do without mi friends....prolly die so I hope u get sum good ones soon cuz dey make de hole world better

YourGoinDown14 2

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Saturday 13 February 2010 15:30

apparently we know what you didn't do with ur friends...you failed to learn how to type and spell! that was so uncomfortable to read lol.

MF12 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:55

snickerdoodles, where are you???!

XR6Falcon 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:23

sucks to be you.

hobrahtakeiteasy 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:28

make friends?

omfgItzme 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:22

lol agreed with number10 you should consider the idea of making some freinds:)

babybubz 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:31

maybe you should've thought that one through first..

maskedman 9

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:36

save some money and choose a plan made for loners.

z3r0nline 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 13:43

haha good one ;)

maskedman 9

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Saturday 13 February 2010 14:10

thanks. I used to work for a long distance carrier so I know they regular plans, family plans, and lonely tv dinner eaters plans. the tv dinner plans are the cheapest.

ylfrettubsxc666 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:37

Dude. Get some friends

Enoch134 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:41

I love ur name

boatkicker 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 18:10

The 5 people you talk to on the phone the most, deserve to be the in the 5, regardless of who they are.

Jen_J_the_J 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:38

just give 4 other random numbers and make friends with who evers on the other end ^.^

BigLostBear 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 12:48

I love this idea... I'm going to try thiis at those points in my life where I loose my friends.

zZPedobearZz 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 15:13

good idea

bustyboi 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:35

make sure one of the numbers is 867-5309!

kayladance101 13

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Saturday 13 February 2010 18:31

haha #70 i love that song... and OP that really stinks. dont you have any brothers or sisters??

icadragoon 11

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Sunday 14 February 2010 1:18

Hey!! That's my number! (my name is Jennie)

Fminetoo 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 4:37

There used to be something intresting, like a recording on the other end if you dialed it with my local area code. I did it for shits and giggles once. Dont know if its still up or not.