Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said,... - FML

By Ren - 30/1/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

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Don't shoot the messenger

Compassion

British Broadcasting Corporation

By okay then - 13/2/2013 22:09 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By crazyman. - 12/5/2012 05:27 - United States - Keller

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By supermanxs1 - 9/3/2010 15:32 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

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By Partners - 22/6/2015 19:55 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By ohemgee - 11/3/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By happyeffingbday202 - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

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By best_mom_ever - 19/10/2012 07:59 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By athlete47 - 3/8/2019 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML

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By pencilring - 4/9/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - 23/1/2010 17:53 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2014 18:51 - United States - Athens

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

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By Ugh - 27/2/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

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By hoo flung pu - 3/10/2013 08:26 - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

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By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

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By lonelyashell - 2/3/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By shortyybrooke - 24/8/2017 04:30

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife - 15/9/2019 12:00

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By AngryBirdman - 22/4/2011 05:53

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

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By biomajor99 - 22/4/2015 21:46 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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By emily - 15/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

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By j_babydoll6520 - 26/8/2011 11:09 - Australia

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

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By Carrie - 11/1/2009 03:52 - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

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By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By sprained neck - 24/11/2015 05:49

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

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By penpendesrapen - 11/3/2010 00:40 - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 21:53 - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2012 14:33 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By JoannaG25 - 17/8/2010 11:43 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By dumbdad - 8/9/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4am to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By idiot - 4/1/2013 10:13 - Sweden

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

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Top comments

By little_musician | 0

#121255 - Saturday 18 April 2009 4:51

"Today, I accidentally sent a text to my sister saying 'Ah... I want you.' FML"

By samisalsa | 0

#11772 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:34

Isn't that a line from a Spice Girls song? Maybe he was trying to bring up some '90s nostalgia.

Comments

By samisalsa | 0

#11772 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:34

Isn't that a line from a Spice Girls song? Maybe he was trying to bring up some '90s nostalgia.

Reply

tattoofano | 0

#2167794 - Thursday 10 March 2011 11:03

haha

By jim_witness | 0

#25119 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 22:35

Are you really that worried??

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#892454 - Thursday 25 February 2010 22:28

exactly! my friend got my phone and texted my mother that i like to touch children get over it

Reply

swagginsister | 0

#2964874 - Sunday 24 July 2011 15:49

by the look of your picture, I have no doubt that, that was probably true..

Reply

PurpleSprite | 7

#6218583 - Monday 2 March 2015 4:18

23 I think you need new friends...lol

By knitbitch | 0

#56120 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 22:49

Oh, hey! Maybe he just meant he wanted to see you? Or maybe he meant, "Ah...I want you to help me buy a gift for my girlfriend?" Oh dear god, for your sake I hope so.

Maybe he was drunk?

By jdkfgkjdfb | 0

#58533 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 23:55

INCEST.

But maybe it was a prank or one of his friends wrote it as a joke.

By redhusk89 | 0

#71222 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:24

that's grounds for homicide... but then I'm not a fan of incest

By hhhhyoyoyo | 1

#103134 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:55

OH GOD....:(

By little_musician | 0

#121255 - Saturday 18 April 2009 4:51

"Today, I accidentally sent a text to my sister saying 'Ah... I want you.' FML"

Reply

smartassking | 0

#4004980 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 16:06

Lol

Reply

chessdude | 8

#6643174 - Monday 4 July 2016 21:28

#44 y the dislikes tho?

By HurriKaty | 4

#123273 - Sunday 19 April 2009 1:44

This sounds more like F HIS life.

By Sasori_fml | 0

#123685 - Sunday 19 April 2009 4:30

God, I hope tthat he did not mean to sen that

By SirAlan | 0

#155208 - Thursday 30 April 2009 1:24

likely to be accident or a prank