Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML
Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML
Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML
Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML
Today, my mom's super spoiled small demon dog attacked my 3 year-old daughter, mauling her leg. Out of instinct, I kicked it away, causing it to fly across the room yelping. I picked up my daughter and took her straight to the hospital, where she got stitches. Later that night, I was greeted with a vet bill. FML
Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML
Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML
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Top comments
Poland626 0
Bet she was just practicing if you know what I mean ;D
UncleverName_FYL 0
OP can i have your daughter's number when she turns 18?
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Comments (123)
ryan__h 1
this is why it would be nice to temporarily dislocate our jaw bones like a snake
Self_Induced 0
Sounds like the baby teeth had to come out early. And she was right - it was probably really hilarious.
lexiluffagus 0
WHAT THE ****? how does this make her a ****?
keoct 4
This is what I love about Canada, Ya part of our taxes go to heath care but we don’t pay a dime. I spent 5 days in the hospital getting my appendix removed (it leaked so they kept me to “monitor” me) and all I got in the mail was a questionnaire from the hospital asking me to rate my stay and ask if there was anything else that could have been done.
triplethreat13 0
everything in life is easier to get into than out of. that i have learned in numerous ways. haha that's funny though, a little weird, but funny.
dramakat11 0
LMFAO. That's just too hilarious.
blehargh 0
because supposedly a woman who can fit her fist into her mouth gives really good head. That's the saying where I live, anyway.
Rowena_fml 1
Hmm maybe I'm just out of it, the saying where I live is that if you can fit your fist in your mouth you're a good singer...because, you know, you can raise your soft palette and stuff. But maybe that's just cuz I'm a private school theatre geek.
shnibz101 0
Omg I can do that but I can get my fist out though
12frisbees 0
My friend did that when she was young, I'll have to tell her she's not alone. :P