Animals: Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have... - FML

By bill - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

By ahdeadcats - United States

Today, I got to go back into my house after it had been tented. Suddenly, a foul stench filled my house. My husband checked all around the house and finally checked under the house. There were more than 12 dead stray cats under our house, and guess who was in charge of pulling them out? FML

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By brokeasajoke - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By bex - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Sh.H - United States

Today, before a big formal banquet, I went tanning because I wanted to look good in my cocktail dress. I got out of the tanning bed only to realize that I had left my socks on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By PapaW - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By PrinceJ

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By fucking Karens! - 11/8/2020 14:02

Karen strikes again

Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

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By Mick - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

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By frozenpoo - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By I'm an asshole - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

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By chattyloz - United Kingdom

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

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By FunTimes - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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By - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

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By canessadawn - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By Deaf - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML

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By Forgotten - Canada

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

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By "people these days" - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

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By arsenic660 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By nickyy - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

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By skinnybitch

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By nekal - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

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By scarred

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By nic - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By Si123 - 15/8/2020 08:01

Night terrors

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By Ahlph

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By Isa - United States

Today, my boss at my new job asked whether I was fitting in OK. The company is Swedish, so as a joke, I said that at home I now serve all my food as a smorgasbord, chew on fermented herring and Daim chocolate bars, and buy all my furniture at Ikea. She didn't see the funny side. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:02

Clumsy

Today, I was making Cup Noodles for breakfast. After microwaving it for 3 minutes, I carefully grabbed the cup to pour some water out, but my hand gave out and some water spilled on it. Now I have a burned hand and no noodles. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

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By Proprepourtant - France

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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Top comments

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#692306 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:07

They were talking about your wife. :,D

By Ninjaface | 0

#692379 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:56

Your dog is very unruly; it won't even exist when you tell it to!

COMMENTS

By jane99 | 0

#692305 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:05

Odd...

Reply

Cambo9000 | 0

#829271 - Saturday 6 February 2010 4:48

fight the power

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#2942410 - Thursday 21 July 2011 2:46

maybe they sound like a dog when they get an erection...

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#692306 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:07

They were talking about your wife. :,D

Reply

LilDewd | 0

#692312 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:08

LOL

Reply

brutallyhonest24 | 0

#692321 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:11

rofl, its so simple =P

Reply

popoman | 0

#693264 - Saturday 28 November 2009 22:34

I was just going to post that comment.

Reply

sarcdude | 3

#693969 - Sunday 29 November 2009 6:03

lol nice

Reply

AnotherRandomPer | 0

#2209590 - Sunday 20 March 2011 5:20

OP got ownd

By JassyJas | 2

#692326 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:12

bahaha alexendraa! you made me literally Lol

By xoluvinshayxo | 0

#692332 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:18

#2 that was so mean! lol..

By iFerret | 0

#692334 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:18

Do you, perhaps, keep your children on a leash?

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#692350 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:28

Lol win. This didnt even cross my mind.

By jchansfan | 0

#692336 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:20

Maybe you need a haircut? lolz... -bad joke- :P

By Mzzangel | 0

#692346 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:26

lmfao @ #7

By NorfolkDude | 2

#692367 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:42

You should have been like, "Where was the dog?" And they'd be like from your backyard. And you should have replied, "That's odd, my wife been in the kitchen all day." Hahah.

Reply

Shisumu | 0

#692373 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:51

Rofll.

By Cristaderzi | 0

#692371 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:49

Defintley contest it!

By Ninjaface | 0

#692379 - Saturday 28 November 2009 9:56

Your dog is very unruly; it won't even exist when you tell it to!