Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream... - FML

By time to buy a gun - 2/11/2015 04:22 - United States - Carolina

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23898

You deserved it

1673

Tweet

Share

White line fever

British Broadcasting Corporation

Business savvy

By wildwonder808 - 12/8/2013 22:47 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43268

You deserved it

8027

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 18:50 - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33709

You deserved it

3418

Tweet

Share

By never ending story - 20/4/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, it doesn’t matter that I had major surgery on my hand 2 days ago and am supposed to be on bed rest with no hand movement for 3 weeks. According to my father and my husband, it doesn’t excuse me from wifely house duties and being the sole caretaker of our one-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5438

You deserved it

438

Tweet

Share

By J Money - 3/9/2018 04:00 - United States

Today, I'm being paid to watch paint dry. I work for military defense, and the door l just painted is an opening for a secure lab, so has to be monitored nonstop. This cannot happen until the paint dries. The U.S. government is literally paying me to watch paint dry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2865

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By Deli meat prom - 20/4/2015 21:41 - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27380

You deserved it

3401

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 02:48 - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23090

You deserved it

4226

Tweet

Share

By Chia - 10/5/2013 22:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I cancelled our date tonight. I cancelled because I had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62814

You deserved it

3651

Tweet

Share

By Workhorse - 12/7/2014 21:11 - United States - Athens

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48803

You deserved it

17488

Tweet

Share

By silvernights21 - 5/1/2012 23:40 - United States

Today, as I was finishing running a mile, my entire class begun to cheer me on. I felt happy since I don't have many friends. Only when I got closer did I realize that they were cheering for the girl behind me, and in fact, not one person was cheering for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31563

You deserved it

2943

Tweet

Share

By Mofisto - 15/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17215

You deserved it

88693

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed - 4/2/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42173

You deserved it

6671

Tweet

Share

By insightful - 20/3/2012 04:33 - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21137

You deserved it

10957

Tweet

Share

By dieana - 16/5/2014 12:16 - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words: "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41738

You deserved it

9505

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/8/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38720

You deserved it

15469

Tweet

Share

By Ackno - 6/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5885

You deserved it

1682

Tweet

Share

By fucking fratricidal - 13/10/2012 22:25 - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24364

You deserved it

1941

Tweet

Share

By Lio - 12/11/2008 05:25 - France

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21022

You deserved it

41674

Tweet

Share

By knoppad - 13/6/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9798

You deserved it

50919

Tweet

Share

By Just me - 9/9/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26522

You deserved it

4430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

108800

You deserved it

11756

Tweet

Share

By convict possibly - 26/5/2017 18:00

Today, I got to try on a stunning suit that made me the handsomest man in the world. Upcoming prom? No. Wedding? No. I attended a date... A court date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3291

You deserved it

2006

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 20:07 - United States

Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and I complained that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered "Fat girl problems." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40933

You deserved it

13073

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 04:00 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, during a family reunion, my 89 year-old grandma stood up and drunkenly made a speech about how ashamed I should be of myself for still being single. She then passed out at the table. Half my family got up to help her, the other half whispered in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1665

You deserved it

124

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 05:56 - United States

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39097

You deserved it

3096

Tweet

Share

By SophieGray - 20/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38745

You deserved it

5039

Tweet

Share

By killercow - 19/4/2011 16:19 - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30146

You deserved it

22904

Tweet

Share

By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48141

You deserved it

4312

Tweet

Share

By ashleyyyy - 28/10/2011 15:59 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36656

You deserved it

2774

Tweet

Share

By Rhinobro01 - 27/7/2019 10:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was at a friend's house when his dad told me that he had Photoshopped his face onto a woman's body. I looked at the photo and said it was gross, disgusting and weird. Later on, my friend told me that the photo was actually a picture of his dad's twin sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1343

You deserved it

679

Tweet

Share

By erockinthesuburb - 19/2/2013 01:49 - United States

Today, I purchased a box of girl scout cookies from a coworker. I wanted to save them for later at home, so I placed them on my desk and then headed to a meeting. When I returned, there was an empty box sitting there with a post-it note saying, "Thanks!" Nobody will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30305

You deserved it

6312

Tweet

Share

By Tony - 30/11/2010 11:30

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37665

You deserved it

2571

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 05:14 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61546

You deserved it

13628

Tweet

Share

By Bewildered - 10/9/2009 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53467

You deserved it

8595

Tweet

Share

By Catsfordays - 20/8/2015 06:02 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24744

You deserved it

2577

Tweet

Share

By sozzy - 7/7/2012 07:26 - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27377

You deserved it

6969

Tweet

Share

By busted - 5/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

I agree, your life sucks

633

You deserved it

2049

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11758

You deserved it

20692

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/1/2018 19:00

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5423

You deserved it

389

Tweet

Share

By RobinBunny713 - 19/7/2011 03:23 - United States

The Force

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16724

You deserved it

34164

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 04:51 - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36117

You deserved it

2068

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By AlysoninAlaska | 19

#6451169 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

By thatonetribute | 31

#6451166 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

Comments

By thatonetribute | 31

#6451166 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

Reply

saidaswear | 20

#6451218 - Monday 2 November 2015 15:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6451229 - Monday 2 November 2015 16:08

The conjuring starts with a dog being killed

By Zaneal | 8

#6451167 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

Time to invest in some better security to. Is anything stolen?

Reply

MELKOZAR | 27

#6451186 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Why are the good positive comments always thumbed down like this one? Then the dumb ones are thumbed up.

Reply

escapingreality | 19

#6451263 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:19

#10 its because it was the corner of the screen...meaning an animal...no one got in so #2 comment is unfounded and makes absolutely no sense...that's why

Reply

the_real_dvd | 21

#6451270 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:29

Corner of the screen... Next to the door.. supposing someone could reach their hands around to the locks. If OP was certain it was an animal his name probably wouldn't be time to buy a gun.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6451299 - Monday 2 November 2015 18:22

But the screen was busted 'out' meaning something left his house via the screen corner...

Reply

megamonster99 | 18

#6452898 - Wednesday 4 November 2015 7:33

#2spooky4me

By dying_to_know | 25

#6451168 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

I don't think a gun is going to solve your problem this time. XD

By AlysoninAlaska | 19

#6451169 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

By Zufallian | 34

#6451173 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:31

Maybe it was just another animal trying to get to your cat. But try to invest in some security maybe, better safe than sorry.

By Eyeslick | 33

#6451175 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:34

The question is how big is the hole in the busted screen....cat sized? Cougar sized? Burglar sized?

Reply

PurpleMyth | 28

#6451261 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:10

Demonic rape bear sized?

Reply

symboic | 13

#6451473 - Monday 2 November 2015 22:14

Op said it was in the corner so I'm assuming probably a small or medium rodent

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6451590 - Monday 2 November 2015 23:40

I highly doubt a cat would react that way to a rodent...Cats don't puff up and growl over things they can easily hunt.

By APHPrussia | 19

#6451177 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Hope you can find it OP! FYL

By stryder9090 | 28

#6451178 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Aliens

By daz18m | 15

#6451180 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:43

Another cat burglar.

By booman342 | 13

#6451187 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Whatever you do, don't go outside by yourself without a flashlight to find it. ESPECIALLY don't go near a lake.