Animals: Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream... - FML

By time to buy a gun - United States - Carolina

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

Overbearing much?

By bigmikenyc - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By rimenrezon - United States - Tampa

Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML

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By wtf bro - 20/3/2020 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

King Dick

Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML

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By why - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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By Anonymous

What is the real feeling?

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

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By TheIVkindaruinsthemood - United States - Milford

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By unhappy wifey - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By Tyguy3000 - United States

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

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By erphy21 - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

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By Scarred

Today, my Nana asked me to get her a book from her nightstand, but failed to specify which nightstand was hers. I stumbled across my grandparents' collection of sex toys instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

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By hotelbound - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Divorce?

Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house. It was dark and downpouring so I couldnt see as I was backing out of his driveway. I made it out, but then my phone went off, scaring me, and I accidentally hit the gas pedal, hitting his neighbor's parked car. Turns out he called to warn me to watch out for it. FML

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By bgierczak2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

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By Slayer - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By Blondie - Lebanon

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

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By Anonymous - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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By no_leather_of_any_kind - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

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By Anonymous

Hey Scratchy!

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

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By oddgrrl99 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

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By deadman - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

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By Emma - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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By mybad7 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 02:07

Father material

Today, according to my husband, if I die first he won’t be looking after my son from a previous marriage. Either my sister will have to take him or he’ll go into foster care. He doesn’t want kids of his own, so he’ll be dammed if he has to look after someone else’s just because I’m dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Elkridge

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By bigbill - Canada

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

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By c

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By Lexxiluvstwat

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By drakx88 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

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Top comments

By AlysoninAlaska | 19

#6451169 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

By thatonetribute | 31

#6451166 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

COMMENTS

By thatonetribute | 31

#6451166 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

Reply

saidaswear | 20

#6451218 - Monday 2 November 2015 15:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6451229 - Monday 2 November 2015 16:08

The conjuring starts with a dog being killed

By Zaneal | 8

#6451167 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

Time to invest in some better security to. Is anything stolen?

Reply

MELKOZAR | 27

#6451186 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Why are the good positive comments always thumbed down like this one? Then the dumb ones are thumbed up.

Reply

escapingreality | 19

#6451263 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:19

#10 its because it was the corner of the screen...meaning an animal...no one got in so #2 comment is unfounded and makes absolutely no sense...that's why

Reply

the_real_dvd | 21

#6451270 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:29

Corner of the screen... Next to the door.. supposing someone could reach their hands around to the locks. If OP was certain it was an animal his name probably wouldn't be time to buy a gun.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6451299 - Monday 2 November 2015 18:22

But the screen was busted 'out' meaning something left his house via the screen corner...

Reply

megamonster99 | 18

#6452898 - Wednesday 4 November 2015 7:33

#2spooky4me

By dying_to_know | 25

#6451168 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

I don't think a gun is going to solve your problem this time. XD

By AlysoninAlaska | 19

#6451169 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

By Zufallian | 34

#6451173 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:31

Maybe it was just another animal trying to get to your cat. But try to invest in some security maybe, better safe than sorry.

By Eyeslick | 33

#6451175 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:34

The question is how big is the hole in the busted screen....cat sized? Cougar sized? Burglar sized?

Reply

PurpleMyth | 28

#6451261 - Monday 2 November 2015 17:10

Demonic rape bear sized?

Reply

symboic | 13

#6451473 - Monday 2 November 2015 22:14

Op said it was in the corner so I'm assuming probably a small or medium rodent

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6451590 - Monday 2 November 2015 23:40

I highly doubt a cat would react that way to a rodent...Cats don't puff up and growl over things they can easily hunt.

By APHPrussia | 19

#6451177 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Hope you can find it OP! FYL

By stryder9090 | 28

#6451178 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Aliens

By daz18m | 15

#6451180 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:43

Another cat burglar.

By booman342 | 13

#6451187 - Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Whatever you do, don't go outside by yourself without a flashlight to find it. ESPECIALLY don't go near a lake.