Animals: Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 142

02/11/2015 04:22

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 947

You deserved it 1 677

Stop talking!

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

16/07/2012 02:00

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 392

You deserved it 2 195

09/09/2009 09:58

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 492

You deserved it 54 515

WTF, dude?

By NNTA - 26/12/2013 23:21

Spicy

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 231

You deserved it 4 502

29/06/2009 19:52

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 219

You deserved it 8 318

12/07/2011 12:19

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 876

You deserved it 3 549

Buyer's market

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 00:01

Today, I found out that my childhood vacation home was on sale for 149K. We sold it for 99K 9 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 186

05/07/2011 00:00

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 052

You deserved it 2 728

29/03/2012 16:19

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 580

You deserved it 2 169

19/08/2010 17:36

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 297

You deserved it 3 573

23/12/2016 08:55

Spicy

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 557

You deserved it 911

02/08/2019 20:00

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 230

04/09/2015 17:01

Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 185

You deserved it 2 877

09/11/2011 12:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 242

You deserved it 9 270

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

By Mxx - 12/03/2020 12:30

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 341

Commando

By Bareital - 03/12/2020 04:01

Today, the same day I decided to stubbornly go commando because my lazy boyfriend hasn’t taken his turn to do our laundry in 4 days was also the day I split my shorts squatting down to pick up my bag at the bus stop. Ten strangers saw my bare asscrack, and two teenagers started cat calling me for my butt tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 1 419

28/01/2011 19:59

Spicy

Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 762

You deserved it 43 419

30/05/2014 22:05

Spicy

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 467

You deserved it 7 509

15/06/2014 20:01

Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 173

You deserved it 9 293

24/07/2011 04:22

Today, I was riding on my bike when I saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying, "Need money, stranded from Oklahoma." I decided to be nice, and hopped off my bike to give him $2. He took the money, and then jacked my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 912

You deserved it 9 417

Stuck

By fuckmyhair - 16/04/2020 23:00

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 206

01/10/2017 04:30

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 995

You deserved it 289

02/06/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 971

You deserved it 1 549

18/10/2010 02:54

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 419

You deserved it 3 141

09/04/2015 05:28

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 080

You deserved it 7 723

12/06/2009 04:44

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 047

You deserved it 3 765

22/02/2013 22:32

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 639

You deserved it 11 785

01/08/2009 00:56

Spicy

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 929

You deserved it 12 251

The client is always right

By Falcka - 12/04/2021 04:59

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 60

01/03/2013 15:52

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 131

You deserved it 2 765

05/09/2018 08:30

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 537

You deserved it 171

19/03/2009 04:22

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 261

You deserved it 73 226

27/10/2014 23:05

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 613

You deserved it 13 780

19/10/2014 03:03

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 423

You deserved it 3 035

Herpes goes to Monaco

By amethyst334 - 24/08/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, after receiving a negative herpes test four months ago, my doctor called me and told me it was a false negative and I’ve been living with herpes for four months. I then had to tell everyone I’ve slept with about it, and worst of all my new boyfriend broke up with me. All in one day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 417

29/07/2012 05:27

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 906

You deserved it 5 047

22/06/2009 18:12

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 907

You deserved it 5 528

There you go

By Anonymous - 04/07/2018 01:30

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 800

You deserved it 1 489

03/01/2010 00:35

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 523

You deserved it 2 534

11/12/2010 14:44

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 432

You deserved it 70 675

15/03/2009 05:07

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 665

You deserved it 20 052

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Top comments

AlysoninAlaska 19

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

thatonetribute 31

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

Comments

thatonetribute 31

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:26

This is how all the horror movies start!

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Monday 2 November 2015 15:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

chrisbeaudoin 26

Monday 2 November 2015 16:08

The conjuring starts with a dog being killed

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

Time to invest in some better security to. Is anything stolen?

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Why are the good positive comments always thumbed down like this one? Then the dumb ones are thumbed up.

escapingreality 19

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Monday 2 November 2015 17:19

#10 its because it was the corner of the screen...meaning an animal...no one got in so #2 comment is unfounded and makes absolutely no sense...that's why

the_real_dvd 21

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Monday 2 November 2015 17:29

Corner of the screen... Next to the door.. supposing someone could reach their hands around to the locks. If OP was certain it was an animal his name probably wouldn't be time to buy a gun.

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 2 November 2015 18:22

But the screen was busted 'out' meaning something left his house via the screen corner...

megamonster99 18

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Wednesday 4 November 2015 7:33

#2spooky4me

dying_to_know 25

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

I don't think a gun is going to solve your problem this time. XD

AlysoninAlaska 19

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:29

It's okay, guard kitty is on the case!

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:31

Maybe it was just another animal trying to get to your cat. But try to invest in some security maybe, better safe than sorry.

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:34

The question is how big is the hole in the busted screen....cat sized? Cougar sized? Burglar sized?

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Monday 2 November 2015 17:10

Demonic rape bear sized?

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Monday 2 November 2015 22:14

Op said it was in the corner so I'm assuming probably a small or medium rodent

LyricaSilvan 29

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Monday 2 November 2015 23:40

I highly doubt a cat would react that way to a rodent...Cats don't puff up and growl over things they can easily hunt.

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Hope you can find it OP! FYL

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:37

Aliens

daz18m 15

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:43

Another cat burglar.

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Monday 2 November 2015 14:58

Whatever you do, don't go outside by yourself without a flashlight to find it. ESPECIALLY don't go near a lake.