Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to... - FML

By shrimp41 - 14/5/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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Family values

Out of it

Doomed

By thanks sis - 29/8/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

On a leash

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

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By Ginger - 8/7/2017 16:30 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I got married. My dad wanted to see me before the ceremony in my dress. The dress I wore was not my usual kind of dress, strapless. The first thing my dad said, "Ginger! You've got boobs!" Not exactly the father-daughter moment I'd envisioned. FML

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By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

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By elizabethyeo - 20/2/2012 10:01 - Australia

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

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By Steph - 19/8/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

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By Bec99 - 19/4/2020 17:00

Spotted

Today, the pimples on my face are finally clearing up. They seem to have migrated to my ass. FML

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By Whoopsie - 25/7/2018 05:00

Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard she had a seizure and passed out. FML

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By Z'ev - 5/4/2013 16:34 - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By KenzoBVB - 2/9/2015 03:55 - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

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By georgiana072 - 22/9/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 17:00

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

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By colorblind - 5/7/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By RyanM - 13/2/2011 09:01 - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By Beepbeepbeep - 1/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

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By my dumb bro - 17/4/2013 16:13 - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

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By Tom - 10/3/2011 11:09

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

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By MichiganExile - 31/1/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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By ItSucks - 1/1/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2017 20:00

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By joshinbaltimore - 22/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By gali-ma - 7/2/2015 12:52 - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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By wooowmom - 5/6/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By anonymous - 17/6/2011 19:58 - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

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By Anna - 2/7/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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By fml - 21/2/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By BadStuden - 5/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

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By cupcake_butt - 17/10/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, my 28-year-old brother who has been pranking me all my life, put a chocolate cupcake on my chair. I sat on it, with my white dress. On my wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, after lunch with my frail, disabled, 87-year-old father, I reached into my purse for lipstick. I didn't recognize the cute cylinder I pulled out, but thinking it was a flashlight, I pressed the little button, spraying my dad and myself in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By sleeper - 2/3/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By Stress - 24/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was feeling really stressed so I bought some nice stress relieving lotion. When I got home, I took it out of the bag and accidentally dropped it (not realizing it was made of glass). The bottle shattered into pieces and I even cut my finger on one piece. So much for relieving stress. FML

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By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

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By ScorpioQueen - 21/9/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By Broken - 17/6/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was running with my sister's dog. It had the brilliant idea of shooting between my legs and I immediately faceplanted on the cement. I now have a swollen nose and cuts all over my body. I'm a grown man who does martial arts and I got beat up by a dog the size of a baby. FML

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By Economess - 17/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 23:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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Top comments

By Rawrrr14 | 0

#199843 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

Guys at the drive thru can be pretty cool......

By IronBird | 0

#199988 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:57

I work at a tiny greasebox diner. I have been that person for a lot of people. All of you who are being harsh would be surprised. Greasy food=comfort food for a lot of people, I get some of my lonlier customers 3-4 times a week. If your fast food guy is anything like me, he might care. At the same time, a drive through is hardly time enough for talking, so the people that are suggesting that may not have a point. If you need comfort food and are lonely, try a sit down resturaunt or anything indoor where you can at least get to know the people working there.

We're all reclusive sometimes. The people that are harsh are probably in high school. :)

COMMENTS

By Rawrrr14 | 0

#199843 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

Guys at the drive thru can be pretty cool......

Reply

jessthebest3 | 0

#2437425 - Sunday 1 May 2011 5:52

Sex lines are better. OP should call one, it'll make OP feel better ;)

By I2OI3 | 0

#199845 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

Well what did you talk about? Burgers and Fries or did you actually "talk" - about things? Was this guy a friend of yours? More info please!!

By oldskool_fml | 0

#199846 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

LOL!!!!!!!!!! J/K its okay we all have those times..and am I first??

Reply

nike1 | 0

#402800 - Thursday 16 July 2009 22:34

Almost

By Fmylifffeee | 0

#199849 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:34

oh myy.... shrimp41... i'm sorry. call ur mom or something.

Reply

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1638332 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 3:56

ahh she will be alright I once went 5 months talking to my favorite pen(Steve) and my favorite shoe lace(Cory)....

By Fmylifffeee | 0

#199851 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:34

oh myy.... shrimp41... i'm sorry. call ur mom or something.

By amyjp612 | 0

#199868 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:35

YDI, it's not that hard to talk to people, unless you're a recluse or something.

By totoro_fml | 0

#199875 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:36

i know the feeling

:p

By Scotticus117 | 11

#199883 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:37

what are you an unemployed bum who lives by thereself and has no friends i mean no offense fyl, but like they said call your mom, either way by talking does texting count as talking, you dont mean to tell me you haven't texted/communicated internet or any other way to somebody in 3 days, thats impossible unless you were like sleeping that whole time.

By kkkristennnn | 0

#199889 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:38

thats your own fault, get some fucking friends its not that hard

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#945050 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:20

Ohhhh you wouldn't believe how har it is for me... WAHHHH IM A LONER!!

Reply

DrFuzzyPickles | 9

#4879375 - Friday 31 August 2012 6:38

..
Ho

By firebrand111 | 0

#199902 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:40

What the hell have you been doing all that time?