Jack-in-the-box

Today, I realized that I'm a better human being when drunk or high, because at least then I don't seem like a wind-up toy about to snap. FML

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

Worst party ever

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

Drunk and orderly

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML

You played yourself

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML