Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

Not a geography major

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

Brown and sticky

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me, "Oh, I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a fucking stick for my birthday. FML

My forever home

Today, my father gave me the best birthday gift, a piece of real estate. I got a grave, which is leased. FML

Lower your expectations

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year-olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML