Intimacy: Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective...

By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Social distancing done right

Hi mom!

By Anonymous - United States - Baraboo

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

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By ouchies - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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33637

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By Anonymous

Yelp

Today, I was fired from my job as a waitress, all because someone complained there was too much seasoning in their food. As I said, I'm a waitress. This happened the same week I was hired. FML

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

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By svsksosnns - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bloomfield

Good boy

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

TMI

Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said, "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

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By desigymrat - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

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By Tech Savvy - United States

Today, my ex, whom I haven't seen in two years, contacted me. She was great company back in the day, wild in bed, the most attractive person I've ever dated, and totally uninterested in a serious relationship. She wants me to fix her computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

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39575

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By myleghurts - Australia - Strathfield

Today, on my way to school, I was shouted at by an obnoxious businessman for sitting down on the train when a "full fare paying passenger" was standing. I would normally have given him the seat straight away, except I have a broken leg. I showed him my leg and crutches. He still made me get up. FML

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By mild banana - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2020 18:03 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Clean up in aisle 5 please

Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML

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685

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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663

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By Me - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By Anonyme - France - Laill

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

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By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

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By Fat Dad - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML

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1987

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By Mc2013 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By PanFace - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By Quicky5_ - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

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31057

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

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You deserved it

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By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By MissKitty

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4938

You deserved it

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By boned - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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29325

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By SOMAgirl - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

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Top comments

By JudgeComrade | 17

#6591439 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:22

At least it wasn't from the perspective of the giver.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6591464 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:29

That would really SUCK to walk in on.

COMMENTS

By JudgeComrade | 17

#6591439 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:22

At least it wasn't from the perspective of the giver.

doraquiexplore | 13

#6591504 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:18

Blowjobs r fun to give, killjoy

joeyl2008 | 29

#6592030 - Friday 29 April 2016 5:34

@9 damn straight

grogers311 | 20

#6592960 - Saturday 30 April 2016 6:10

Damn not straight!

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6591447 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:24

shooting a porn scene?

By saxaddict122 | 14

#6591451 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:25

Haha the definition of a NSFW FML, except maybe at your office!

By stingray112 | 24

#6591459 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:26

First time for everything

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6591464 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:29

That would really SUCK to walk in on.

UserError94 | 18

#6591576 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:13

Hopefully he was quick to HEAD out.

sinisterviper | 10

#6591584 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:19

that's going to create a LOAD of problems with the workplace.

COSaikou | 7

#6591594 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:29

damnit..I love these puns

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6591607 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:45

Yeah, they really BLOW me away.

atlien247 | 16

#6591862 - Friday 29 April 2016 2:23

Really? I find them hard to swallow.

PackardBell_fml | 19

#6591923 - Friday 29 April 2016 4:01

these are pretty FUCKING funny

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6591479 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:49

That's hot

tin_cup | 27

#6591606 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:45

I totally agree!

Mysterious_one | 20

#6592726 - Saturday 30 April 2016 0:30

been there ... I was the receiver ..plus some hardcore stuff ..

By spearcom | 13

#6591494 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:05

Damn. That sucked for all 3 of you. Literally.

By klirrivirri | 9

#6591505 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:17

was it a happy ending? did you cheer?

By JimminyCrib | 7

#6591517 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:30

Did you call next??

By trucker2 | 33

#6591527 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:40

Did you stand in line ?