Money and Intimacy: Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once...

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 320

You deserved it 332

Money Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

I don't need a Xanny to feel better

By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 953

You deserved it 3 128

By Stumble - 17/01/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 293

You deserved it 27 579

By Luke - 07/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 343

You deserved it 36 306

By Ewwwww - 27/05/2019 11:59

Today, while working the register, I told a kid his total was $2.15. He then took his shoe off and handed me his money. It was damp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 955

You deserved it 103

What the Duck?

By duckyou - 02/04/2018 01:30

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 589

You deserved it 1 329

Cool dude

By Blah - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does, then asked if anyone had a question. One boy raised his hand and asked, "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 288

You deserved it 6 439

Envy

By Anonymous - 26/08/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 171

You deserved it 13 065

By xerrika - 03/06/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 695

You deserved it 8 907

By Philip - 17/02/2017 16:00 - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 742

You deserved it 1 606

By SayItToMyFace - 11/11/2015 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 937

You deserved it 1 514

Sexy morning

By Anonymous - 15/01/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 676

You deserved it 265

By conley19 - 15/09/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 168

You deserved it 4 782

By nothesisforme - 11/03/2015 14:01 - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 915

You deserved it 2 938

Helping hand

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 05:01

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 263

Extreme dating

By umm yeah no! - 20/08/2021 13:59

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my new girlfriend about her terrible hygiene. In the two weeks we’ve been dating, she admitted to only having showered "once or twice." She doesn’t see a problem with this, even though the first (and last) time she came to my place, she smelled like death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 198

By IvyLeague? - 15/01/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 806

You deserved it 10 286

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 936

You deserved it 5 653

By Raela - 04/01/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 688

You deserved it 7 566

By missingphoneproblems - 22/07/2012 05:04 - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 203

You deserved it 1 893

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 810

You deserved it 14 092

By wtf dad - 03/03/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 550

You deserved it 2 326

By Anonymous - 15/05/2017 02:00

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 418

You deserved it 380

Wrong end of the stick

By anonymous - 09/04/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 512

You deserved it 39 477

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 1 545

By Anonymous - 21/05/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, it was raining heavily. I saw a large puddle by the edge of the road near with a passing lady. Thinking it would be funny to splash her, I swerved to hit the puddle. The puddle was deeper than I thought. I lost control of the car, spun out, and hit two parked cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 310

You deserved it 255 137

By RyanM - 10/03/2010 15:00 - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 27 428

By ScrewedOver - 02/01/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 216

You deserved it 4 513

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 06:01 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 942

You deserved it 5 160

Leaking all over the place

By JR. - 08/08/2020 20:02

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 131

By öKANEö - 02/02/2018 08:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 735

You deserved it 248

What?

By Anonymous - 11/08/2021 18:01

Today, I finally confronted my father about how rude and tactless he is. It wasn't until I'd finished my rant that I realized he was ignoring me. He then told me to get him something to drink. I replied, "Since you asked so rudely, you can go get it yourself." As soon as I'd said that, he grunted and repeated himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 114

By douglisk1994 - 10/02/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 042

You deserved it 20 188

By shocked1 - 07/01/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 688

You deserved it 10 979

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Alyce - 06/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 71

By Ser17 - 10/08/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 875

You deserved it 5 884

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 490

You deserved it 3 050

By anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 523

You deserved it 2 184

By penguindude82 - 06/05/2012 07:38 - United States - Dallas

Today, I had a huge yard sale. Since I live in a good neighborhood, I decided to leave the stuff out tonight rather than pack it all in for only a few hours. The news didn't say anything about the impending severe thunderstorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 690

You deserved it 33 683

Fact of scratching

By Anonymous - 24/01/2020 14:00

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 311

You deserved it 281

By laughing-stock - 02/09/2013 21:40 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 883

You deserved it 5 978

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Top comments

whiskey'swino 15

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Friday 16 November 2018 5:06

If while married I hope you mean your soon-to-be Ex-Wife and current ex-friend. Still, anal for a $5er? Even when single thats a cheap hoe.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Friday 19 October 2018 19:20

While you were married? If so, he deserves a smack, and she needs to feel your wrath in another way.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Friday 19 October 2018 19:20

While you were married? If so, he deserves a smack, and she needs to feel your wrath in another way.

whiskey'swino 15

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Friday 16 November 2018 5:06

If while married I hope you mean your soon-to-be Ex-Wife and current ex-friend. Still, anal for a $5er? Even when single thats a cheap hoe.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 17 November 2018 1:27

A cheap ass hoe.

jobekka 18

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Monday 19 November 2018 21:35

the friend is pretty disgusting to agree to something like that, when the girl was so drunk. you're being a dickhead, they were both at fault.

Kameron Kriese 11

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Tuesday 4 December 2018 3:19

He wasn't being a dick head, since they "were both drunk". As OP didn't mention it, it's safe to assume this was before they were dating.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 16 November 2018 5:14

Your wife owes you, big time. About $2.50, I’d say.

pugs 12

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Friday 16 November 2018 5:22

If he was the Loch Ness monster then it would be about three fiddy.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 16 November 2018 5:56

Or she could sue him for stretching out her asshole.

Dave_Davington 33

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Friday 16 November 2018 6:50

This raises an extremely difficult and important question. Does this qualify as a shitty situation? I honestly don't know.

Phillycheeze 20

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Friday 16 November 2018 20:07

Sounds like the friend had it in for this guy...... he he he

sunnyray812 42

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Friday 16 November 2018 7:41

You sure you want to stay married to her? If she did that while you were together, that's definitely divorce-worthy. If you weren't, she still at one point in time fucked your friend and not only that; she did it anally for $5 in a public restroom. That's skanky behavior at its finest! Would you still want to be with her knowing that happened and it's now stuck in the back of your mind?

Phillycheeze 20

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Friday 16 November 2018 20:08

I agree... very skanky behavior.

Harm Varwijk 17

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Friday 16 November 2018 20:11

Why did this Comment received 4 down votes??

sunnyray812 42

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Friday 16 November 2018 21:47

Maybe because people are sensitive to slut shaming, but I don't support that.

Callyn 47

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Friday 16 November 2018 21:53

It's judgmental and sex-negative. If the wife wasn't with the husband at the time and had consensual sex, that's no one else's business. Even anal sex, even in a public place. As long as they aren't cheating (and I am defining cheating as sneaking around behind an exclusive partner(s) back), people should be able to have the sex that they want to have.

Kameron Kriese 11

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Tuesday 4 December 2018 3:22

There wasn't any consent. They were both drunk. It's actually called statutory rape in a legal case.

sunnyray812 42

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Friday 16 November 2018 22:04

Doing it for money is prostitution which is illegal in many places. Plus, she did it with one of his friends. Many people don't want a partner that their friend had previously fucked. It causes issues, and it's gross.

Callyn 47

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Friday 16 November 2018 22:13

Anyone who can't have a relationship with someone who a friend of theirs has had sex with has issues. Most of the relationships I've had have been with people who have been with my friends and it's no big deal. So what, my buddy has seen her naked, if it's not going on now it doesn't matter. I don't know that I've ever met an adult who couldn't deal with that. Yes, the prostitution is likely illegal (not familiar with British sex law), but it's a victimless crime. If the OP wasn't in a relationship with his wife at that point then any negative reaction to this is on OP.

sunnyray812 42

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Friday 16 November 2018 23:15

Sorry that not all of us like sharing with our friends. 😷

mssileas 25

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Monday 19 November 2018 6:30

The law is not always morally right, you know. Making prostitution illegal is actually a perfect example for that - because where I live it's very much legal, sex workers are being registered, they pay taxes, in return they get free health check-ups. Prostitution will always exist, whether you like it or not. But you can give sex workers the opportunity to exist in a manner that's as safe and independent as possible, or you can open the gates towards illegal prostitution that often goes hand in hand with gross exploitation of sex workers putting them at a much greater risk of STDs or being the victims of all kinds of abuse. So who exactly is that law protecting? Except for the feelings of some conservatives who think you can just forbid things out of existence of course.

Itsbeenalong 5

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Friday 16 November 2018 14:16

Firstly that was no accident that he told you. Secondly is it an FML because she charged you 10? Or is it because you now know why she keeps 'finding' fivers everytime she's out?

Itsbeenalong 5

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Friday 16 November 2018 14:21

She was just wanting to preserve her virginity for her husband. You got lucky!

TxKitten79 10

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Friday 16 November 2018 14:28

If you weren't together yet, so what. Almost everyone has had past relationships prior to getting married. If you were together at the time, then a conversation needs to be had.