Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We... - FML

By jsw029 - 26/2/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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Family values

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Great guy

By ol faithful - 3/9/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By astalkerindeed - 16/5/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By - 12/1/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By _Emilyy - 12/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By AccidentalToiletSpy - 21/8/2018 20:30

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

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By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By AshWil - 26/6/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By AngryLittleMan - 23/4/2012 03:00 - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

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By beaten - 13/9/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

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By dangerZone - 27/2/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 12:07 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer asked me if I was English, because I was struggling to understand what he saying. I said yes. He then called me a liar, and said I must be "one of them Polish immigrants." Oh, and he also had a thick Scottish accent. FML

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By FFS - 28/5/2015 17:41 - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 22:29 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By Adam - 18/11/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 18:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

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By Joanne - 24/2/2012 13:26 - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By nicetoknow - 26/9/2016 12:57 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

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By anonynomi - 19/11/2015 17:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 09:04 - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

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By sadddddd - 11/9/2011 01:54 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet, waiting to throw up. When I finally did, I violently shit my pants at the same time. I was at my friend's house. FML

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By pantyripper - 24/3/2014 12:39 - Australia - Essendon

Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML

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By LadyGrey - 27/1/2015 11:45

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By frenchpop1960 - 23/2/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By bandeek - 23/10/2016 18:52

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

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By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By well_f_u_too - 30/8/2018 03:30

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 05:00

Abandoned

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 01:00

A good excuse

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me because God said she couldn't have a boyfriend, started dating my friend... Who she always told me she didn't even like. FML

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By JOTA - 7/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Jonah begs to differ

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By LearnGeographyUSA - 12/12/2012 06:45 - United States - Kirkland

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

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By rofld - 14/7/2010 16:47 - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By holyshitsnacks - 18/3/2014 22:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

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Top comments

By Vincere_fml | 0

#7703 - Thursday 26 February 2009 12:17

That guy's pathetic... unbelievable

By gabby1995pena | 4

#3577937 - Saturday 12 November 2011 23:04

She probably got pregnant.

COMMENTS

By Vincere_fml | 0

#7703 - Thursday 26 February 2009 12:17

That guy's pathetic... unbelievable

By Rayn4u_fml | 0

#7705 - Thursday 26 February 2009 12:19

How'd you find out he'd already come? Did he leave the used condom on your nightstand next to the fake phone number?

Reply

gabby1995pena | 4

#3577937 - Saturday 12 November 2011 23:04

She probably got pregnant.

Reply

Adm_Twigs | 19

#5423030 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 14:26

That's probably what happened!

Reply

lccc_ | 18

#6719225 - Monday 5 December 2016 8:22

you know...lol

By Rackergen | 0

#7736 - Thursday 26 February 2009 13:47

#9 is right. I guess you deserve it that way.

By inkstains | 0

#7738 - Thursday 26 February 2009 13:55

Pssh, you didn't deserve it at all. What a jackass.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#7749 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:26

aren't you glad he gave you a wrong number? if you only was lasting not even a min. what fun would that have been for you later. unless your into that kinda thing.

Reply

avery_botts | 3

#6336700 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 23:37

Dumbass. She wants his number because he could have gotten her pregnant and she can never find him now.

By ByFender_fml | 0

#7754 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:40

#14 : +1, i AGREE !

By lewalrus | 4

#7756 - Thursday 26 February 2009 14:56

HAHAHAHAAHA

WOOOOOOOO!

By camis | 0

#7771 - Thursday 26 February 2009 15:47

F*** your life because of this? Why exactly?

By Lick_yer_face | 0

#7784 - Thursday 26 February 2009 16:17

Why are people assuming you didn't use a condom?
He could have quite easily have took it off himself and not made it obvious...

Anyway, I both think the guy is pathetic whilst at the same time think he's a bit of a God.

I recall an earlier FML about a guy who came really prematurely and the girl just laughed and left... so in way he shifted the FML post from him to you. :-P

Reply

Danny Kopcik | 3

#7680788 - Wednesday 22 August 2018 16:15

this man is a genius actually lmao

By nottelling | 0

#7809 - Thursday 26 February 2009 17:19

What do you expect, meeting a guy at a bar? Just sayin..